Flagging romance in a lopsided marriage

[BakedAlaskaSmarty]

I'm really struggling to remain romantically interested in my wife, and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm 50, and she's 47.

She has long-term mental health issues, including severe depression and anxiety. She is able to work part-time (and loves her job, which helps), but she is not very resilient at dealing with life's stresses. As time goes by, I need to take on more and more responsibility for things she cannot cope with. Not the end of the world, as I'm a pretty chilled-out person, but not always easy.

She no longer has any interest in intimacy. I don't think we've had sex or even kissed since 2024, and very rarely for a decade or more before that. We did have counselling for the intimacy, but it stressed her out so much that the therapist said that it would be wrong to continue because it was risking worsening her mental health. She does have a therapist to help her with her other issues.

I'm definitely not looking to leave, but the loss of intimacy combined with the increasing amount of support I need to give her (practically and emotionally) makes it hard to view her romantically. I think she would be heartbroken if she knew that - she always says we are soulmates.

Does anyone have any advice on how to keep the flame of romance burning in this kind of relationship? Right now if I do anything romantic for her (e.g. bring her flowers, give her a valentines card, take her out for dinner) it feels like a bit of an act, rather than feeling authentic.

OP you always must put your mask on first before the person sitting next to you, such as your wife. If you don't then you'll be risking your own life instead of being able to help hers and in the end it's not going to help anyone. You need to put yourself first before your wife's needs, and risking your mental and physical help doesn't make hers better. I would suggest seeing a therapist immediately, because you need guard rails in your life right now to protect yourself. Do it for your children if you won't do it for you. They're likely relying on you anyway instead of your wife, so seriously help your mental health first and foremost.

I am periodically in shoes similar, if not identical, to yours.
I did the things DP found challenging and anxiety inducing without blinking for years (luckily he's a champ at housework). Change began when I consciously started to name the interactions when I was doing something actively 'in support of' his difficulties. It involved two things:
•specific tasks he found stressful: "DP, I want you to sit next to me as I fill in this long-winded online form about your dental insurance claim." "You need to stay here with me as we hang on the line to speak to the x-adviser and you need to listen to the conversation and perhaps contribute."
I basically insisted that the time I spent doing things for him was matched by his physical presence in real time as I was completing the task. Previously, he might have cracked on with something else useful in the meantime but I got really clear that some tasks he would pass on to me sat firmly entrenched in the 'avoidance' set, with the inferred consequence of worsened anxiety unless I stepped in.
•emotional support and reassurance: I felt heartless placing boundaries around this but as DP struggles with quite intense spirals of rumination when low, which if unchecked can eat up hours of our time, talking through issues and perceptions, only to loop back to the starting point, I would say something like: "I have half an hour now, if you'd like to chat through x, but can you pick up the x or y in that case, so I can have time to do z (something for myself)."
I forced myself to vocalise it in order to illustrate that numerous 'chats' (rumination checking and reassurance) each day came out of 'my' time to do things, both for the household and, crucially, for myself, and like you, I would compensate by going to bed later and getting up earlier. I also verbalised that listening to what can be quite exhausting descriptions of his perceptions of things also takes a toll on me, and he needs to be mindful of this too: I'm not an infinite resource of placidity and calm -it costs me. This, although it felt quite transactional and entirely did away with what has previously seemed like my altruistic, Queen of Emotional Support badge, made the 'lop-sidedness' of our relationship much clearer.
We are still periodically intimate, but I got honest with myself (and DP) about this too and started communicating from a place of creating greater balance: "I'm sorry, I'm out of energy after that long chat about issue x / spending time filling in your application earlier -I'm just not feeling it."
I really recommend bringing your dynamic into the light by narrating the expectations in a transactional, but kind and compassionate, way. See what changes. It has been nothing but positive for us, with DP finding a new confidence and motivation.

id love to talk to you about this. this was the situation in my marriage and eventually it put such a drain on me and took so much time from ym lief that I ended up having a psychotic breakdwon myself when I had been the one carrying everythign. I had zero boundaries and my husband would ruminate for hours every single day. there was no time for us to discuss practical things or even very stressful thigns I was facing which led to this terribel breakdwon nine years ago form which I have never recovered.

The fact is you will not feel romantic while the marriage is in its current state. Support from professionals like therapists and social workers should have clear time plans and goals. Support is not meant to be open ended or for life. When it is, it’s often because that person has become dependent or exploitative and it kills romantic feelings.

The support you initially offered had no time limits, no plan and has now hardened into the role you have today, which is you organising yourself around her. The relationship is no longer reciprocal which is why there’s no romantic feelings.

Personally i would not stay and be exploited. But if you want to stay and improve things I would insist on a new therapist with a firm plan for treatment. Someone who can work part time should be capable of emotional reciprocity and basic household contribution. If she wasn’t willing to try i
would leave.

Romance wears lots of different hats. For us - DP bringing a thermos of tea and a biscuit on our daily walk is romantic, or running me a hot bath, or him de-icing my car when he doesn’t have to go out…all far more “romantic” than when he’s occasionally bought me flowers. He stopped in the street today for no reason apart from giving me a quick kiss. That’s romantic, for me. It’s intimacy and warmth. We are very different though as a lot older than you but still have a very happy life in the bedroom…but when there are periods when we aren’t through illness etc it’s these moments of gentle intimacy that keep us a loving couple rather than companions. A cup of tea made with love.

You need to talk, honestly and calmly.
And maybe look at if you’ve been enabling unhealthy avoidance.

Every time, without fail, I've heard stories like these, they are always improved by the enabling partner getting tougher with the enabled partner.

Good luck.

Also I think the enabler has to ask themselves very honestly what they got out of this situation for so long, before it turned bad.

I know that’s hard because it usually looks like, from the outside, that they are carrying the entire load, but some other halves, like the sense of being in control.

I am not saying that is true in op’s case but dependent relationships like this usually have a pay off ok both sides; until they don’t! And then the recipient of all of the care tends to get all of the blame.