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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

single violent incident

73 replies

maybeitwillbeok · 13/06/2008 22:15

has anyone's dp been violent towards them once, been shocked by it and it never happened again?

Or if it happens once is it the start of an escalation and always definitely time to get out?

Have namechanged but my dh is unhappy with his life and we argue. He has behaved a bit threatening in the past when angry, twice thrown something soft at me. But the other day he grabbed me round the throat in front of our terrified dd (18mo) then wouldn't let me leave the house with her. When I tried to get out he dragged me back inside and it took quite a long time for things to calm down. He didn't hit me. But he did insist it was my fault for getting him so angry

Now things have cooled down and he is taking it quite seriously, finding out on the net about anger management etc. Is it possible that he can get it under control and it will not happen again?

OP posts:

LuckySalem · 13/06/2008 22:20

I've seen it happen once with my parents and it scared me and and Scarred me. I'm glad they didn't split up but I don't like the fact that i have that image.

In all honesty, that doesn't sound like a single incident. When I first read your first line I thought you meant he'd slapped you or something and then got shocked. However, it went on for a while so I'd be worried.

I think (and remember its upto you) that you should take a break until he has his anger under control. Go to your parents or something for a week?

colette · 13/06/2008 22:25

I don't think he should blame you . This is him not facing up to it. No I don,t think it is a one off it has gone too far. Great he wants to change but you need to get your dd out of his way whilst he proves to you he has changed. Good luck

Original poster

maybeitwillbeok · 13/06/2008 22:25

luckysalem i would love to take a bit of time out but i work fulltime and live 200 miles away from my parents. I don't have annual leave or a car to take that option easily.

I've been looking at cheap rental properties in our area, wondering about leaving...but if I did it would be for good cos we'd default on our mortgage and he'd prob be made bankrupt (i am the main breadwinner). We've been together 8 years and this is the first physical incident. I don't want to over-react and throw it all away when things could get better...he's a fantastic dad and husband most of the time.

OP posts:

LuckySalem · 13/06/2008 22:27

Then ask him to leave for a week? Can either of you stay with a friend or at a hotel?

I honestly think you need to get your DC out of the picture until he proves it won't happen again. I'd be scared to live there.

Original poster

maybeitwillbeok · 13/06/2008 22:30

i'm not scared. i'm bloody furious! but i could talk to him about leaving if he is serious about putting it right, that's not a bad idea.

i'm a bit worried it is his self confidence issues causing him to act like this. So if I batter his self confidence too much, imply he is a crap dad and husband, then it might just make things worse iyswim?

OP posts:

LuckySalem · 13/06/2008 22:33

Don't believe that. There is NEVER a reason for someone to hit another person out of anything but self defence.

It is NOT your fault, no matter what you say. If you were annoying him he should have walked away, calmed down and explained it. Not grabbed you round your throat!!

I'm sorry but i hate how men who batter make their wives/girlfriends think its their fault.

Original poster

maybeitwillbeok · 13/06/2008 22:36

i don't think its my fault. but i do think if he is feeling low, as his partner who loves him i should help him when he is struggling rather than kick him when he's lowest.

like when i have pmt and shout at him, instead of shouting back he understands and gives me a cuddle and puts the kettle on.

A marriage is give and take. What I'm struggling with is, at what point has he crossed the line and I should just give up on him and leave?

OP posts:

LuckySalem · 13/06/2008 22:41

ok (I understand what you mean now, lol. In my opinion, you leave the marriage if he touches you in an angry way again. As this proves that his temper is beyond his control and dangerous.

harpomarx · 13/06/2008 22:43

I think he has crossed the line already because the incident was drawn out - he grabbed you round the throat, stopped you from leaving the house, dragged you back inside. I can understand a flash in the pan violent reaction but I think this went on too long.

we all shout, as you say, but we don't physically assault or intimidate our partners.

LuckySalem · 13/06/2008 22:44

harpomax - that is my feeling TBH, however, I also think everyone should have a second chance. I just think the OP should do it away from the house.

tess321 · 13/06/2008 22:49

Anger management classes are a waste of time and counter-productive for men who are domestic abusers. His violence isnt about anger.

Original poster

maybeitwillbeok · 13/06/2008 22:49

would you consider this grounds to end a marriage harpo?

i am furious at him, but when I think of leaving i consider what is at stake. over the years we have built up our life together. we worked hard to get a modest house in a nice area with good schools, and then we had dd. she is much wanted and loved and fortunately has the opportunity to grow up in a nice place.

if i leave now i won't be able to maintain this lifestyle for her. she will end up in a small rented place in a dodgy area and go to a mediocre or poor school, because thats the best i can do for her on a single salary. and she won't have any brothers or sisters in the near future. its not what i had planned for her. i grew up very poor so i know what i'm talking about.

to break up our marriage and put dd in this situation is a big deal. i need to have a really good reason, and be very sure, before i do this

OP posts:

harpomarx · 13/06/2008 22:52

you're right LuckySalem, and possibly third and fourth chances too. I couldn't tell the OP whether to leave or not, only she really knows the situation. The incident she described did sound serious though, as did the fact that he blamed her for getting him so angry.

colette · 13/06/2008 22:54

It is better to go to a mediocre school and come home to a loving calm poor house than watch scenes you will remember all your life.

Quattrocento · 13/06/2008 22:54

Don't many abused women think "well it's only happened once?" Then twice, then rarely, then often ...

harpomarx · 13/06/2008 22:55

as i said, maybe, only you know that.

I stayed with my ex through much worse and only left when I finally got it into my head that things weren't going to change. I doubt I could have made that decision straight away, though in retrospect maybe I should have. I certainly wouldn't stay with someone for the sake of schools or house etc.

madamez · 13/06/2008 22:56

You have a very good reason to kick him out of the house. that's not just assault it's close to attempted murder. He was trying to strangle you and then he prevented you from escaping, and he did all this in front of your DD. That's not just a loss of temper it's a sustained and serious attack. Bollocks to his self esteem and his fragile ego, he's dangerous.
If he is remotely serious about his remorse and determination to learn control over his temper, then he should leave the house. right now he thinks he was justified in trying to strangle you because you 'annoyed' him. Small children can be very annoying sometimes, do you think it would be OK for him to grab your DD round the throat for annoying him? And if now, why is it OK for him to do it to you?

CarGirl · 13/06/2008 22:56

In the past my dh was sometimes a bit physical when we rowed however I was being very very horrid & nasty to him at the time - I can always win an arguement verbally, get it going around in circles etc. I think I got a couple of hard shoves against the worktop and different times that kind of thing. I probably did ask him to leave at the time, it was really really horrible.

It completely stopped, I can't see either of us ever revisiting that sort of behaviour again. It's so long ago I can't remember what it was about or how he hurt me but I am no vitim of domestic violence/abuse believe me.

Your dh sounds under a lot of pressure and you both need to learn to communicate differently. I can't advise you whether he ha crossed a line though.

Original poster

maybeitwillbeok · 13/06/2008 22:56

this is the reason for my op really. i've seen so many women on here talking about the escalation from one incident to many, to routine and systematic abuse.

so what i'm asking is, has anyone's dp crossed this line briefly and then got themselves under control and it not happened again? or should i reasonably expect that this is the beginning of the end?

OP posts:

LuckySalem · 13/06/2008 22:57

I'm really agreeing with everyone who's posting.

Esp harpo - You need to know for sure, don't make how your DD will live her life why you will or will not stay with your partner. you need to be secure in where you are living.

Your DD will have a worse life having all the nice things in life but watching her dad beating her mum than she will going to a mediocre school and not havin the bestest things possible but just the ok things.

Firstly, you need to speak to him and tell him that you're not happy with how you were treated (whether he is sad or not) and that you would appreciate it if he moved out for a week while he seeked counselling etc.

Original poster

maybeitwillbeok · 13/06/2008 22:58

sorry cargirl crossed posts

OP posts:

CarGirl · 13/06/2008 22:59

I'd say my dh crossed the line briefly - I vaguely remember bruises etc (it's within the last 6 years as it was in this house).

I suppose you should be on your guard and financially make sure you could leave quickly if you had to? Now it's all calmed down are you both capable of talking about what is really going on openly & honestly?

husbandbeater · 13/06/2008 22:59

In answer to OP, I slapped DP across the face once, hard, after too many drinks.

It was 13 years ago. I've been drunk often since. I've been angry since, on occasion, but I have never hit him apart from that one time.

I can't explain why I did it, but I was appalled. I have no "issues", no background. It came from nowhere. I am very ashamed thinking about it, and now I'm changing back to my usual name and re-burying this dirty secret.

Good Luck.

dittany · 13/06/2008 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

husbandbeater · 13/06/2008 23:01

I see reading through the thread that your situation isn't quite the same, it seems there has been a build-up towards that violent incident.

That's worrying.

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