How do you accept a breakup caused by fundamental differences without carrying guilt, anger, or fear into future relationships?

[PotatoesAndCarrots]

A little over 3 months ago I ended a relationship that lasted about 10 months. I had just turned 40, he was the same age. I had really high hopes for us, finally building a family and a life together. Unfortunately, no matter how much we tried, we ended up breaking up because we were just deeply incompatible.

He struggled with emotional availability and I couldn’t stay in an emotionally empty relationship anymore. That also showed up in our sex life. There was very little connection or playfulness and by the end it wasn’t enjoyable for me at all. I need emotional connection for good sex, that’s a core need for me. He was very focused on geopolitics, business, work, and was constantly stressed, which started stressing me out too. I wanted a cozy home and a certain lifestyle, and he genuinely didn’t care about that. Even though we both wanted a family, our ways of living were so different that spending time together became exhausting. We started resenting each other. Neither of us was a bad person or malicious, we were just a really poor match.

Now, 3 months after the breakup, I’m honestly doing much better. The first weeks were rough, but I’ve accepted that we simply weren’t meant to be together. I sleep better, eat better, I never cry over him anymore, and I feel like I’m back to myself. And yet I’m still carrying a lot of anger and fear.

I’m angry at myself for not seeing it sooner and for trying to fix something that couldn’t really be fixed. And I’m angry at him because he had a very fixated personality, he knew who he was, and still chose to date me, who was basically his polar opposite in many important ways. He broke up 4 times, all of them due to incompatibility. You'd think he'd know by now... I also know anger is a normal phase after a breakup, especially once the active grief fades and you’re integrating the experience, but it’s still uncomfortable (consulted with ChatGPT about this, that is what I received, haha).

So I guess I’m looking for reassurance and perspective. What helped you let go of the anger after a breakup where the issue wasn’t abuse or betrayal, but deep emotional, sexual, or lifestyle incompatibility? How did you integrate it as a normal life experience instead of seeing it as a personal failure? That's my first question.

At the same time, I’ve started very slowly dating again. Nothing intense or desperate. If someone asks me out for a coffee and I like them, I consider saying yes. But the moment it becomes real, I get scared. Like, I don’t want another disappointment, another incompatibility, another heartbreak. So I cancel or back out as a way to protect myself.

I don’t want to be stuck like this. Coffee is just a low stakes way to get out of the house and have a positive interaction. But I still feel a bit injured and guarded. For those who’ve been through something similar, how did you get past that fear and start moving on naturally, without forcing it? So that's my second question.

Literally stop.
Stop stressing about it all.
Stop fixating on relationships, find other outlets.
We are all here for a short time.
You are already bringing your last relationship with him into your future ones which is mad really.
Your future depends on drawing a line under this failed relationship.
He's past, you have a whole future to do things differently, go out and do them x

If you were 25 and met this guy you would have run after a month. Just write him off as totally not your type , relax and enjoy meeting new people. The right one comes along when you least expect it. Both of you did nothing wrong except maybe stretch it out too long against your own better judgement. Next time listen to your heart.

100% this.

No man is ever worth fretting over, well that was my mind set when dating.

Issue is you are probably in panic mode as seems like you want children. Better a break up. Two of my friends both married men they were not compatible with because they wanted children. One was 36 and the other almost 40. One divorced after 10 years and the child they have suffers from anxiety, he is a young adult now. The other is now part way through the most awful acrimonious divorce ever.

Breaking up was the right decision but just make your mind up more quickly if needs be.

You’re right, and it wasn’t the first time I waited too long. I tend to get attached very quickly, and once I do, it becomes extremely difficult for me to walk away, as I want to keep trying.

In that particular case, it was rather extreme. I had never before been so emotionally out of sync with someone, and we should have ended things much earlier. That said, it was a lesson learned, and I am now trying not to see it as a personal failure.

My thoughts are that it is better to end something that is wrong....so you have done well.

Maybe think about why you try to make the shoe fit when it doesn't?

I did that once - lovely guy, handsome, treated me very well but I just knew he wasn't for me - yet I carried on anyway - and when it inevitably ended, I blamed myself for going against my 'inner knowing.' I promised myself I would never go against my own wisdom again.

Why not make that promise to yourself as well? It is not bad to be where you are, it is good. You are unencumbered and you have acted well.

@something2say I'm with you, it's better. May I ask more about the "I just knew he wasn't for me" part? What were the signs? How did that feel for you?

I met him in a pub and as I walked up to him, inside I just went 'no.' I then brushed that aside and had a lovely first date, in fact I used to say it was the best first date I'd ever been on - huge rugby build guy, very respectful, gentle, kind, funny, quiet, looked at me like I was all he'd ever wanted.

In reality he WAS a good guy, but just not the good guy for me. Five years later we split very amicably and I would say he did me good (he raised my dating bar) and I did him good (I helped him get out of debt as he lived at my place and paid it off).

I look back now and think, yes another training guy, good for both of us but not long term. I should have had the date and come away and not seen him again, and waited for a man who was more compatible. I should have had the courage and humility to accept what my instincts told me, but I over rode it in my brain.

After doing that, when it ended, I blamed myself because I KNEW. I vowed never to do that again, and I have not. I must respond to my inner knowing. It is there to help me.

In your shoes, I would put this behind me, be thankful for the experience and move forwards with a clear heart and clear eyes. You know who you are and what you are looking for. There is nothing wrong with you. This man wasn't right for you - well done for seeing that and acting on it - move forward and do not compromise on what you need.

I know friends who have 'gone ahead anyway' and are now stuck in marriages that are not quite right, and boy does that show. Arguments, sadness, irritation. Every conversation. I thank my lucky stars that I did not marry my guy. I am now married to a man who ticked boxes right from the start, just easy and naturally, right from the first date.

I think at your age, 40, you are getting serious about your choices, and that is great. You have acted on what didn't work - don't feel angry, ten months isn't very long to waste. You won't do it again. Be grateful for your intuition. Be grateful for your backbone. And keep affirming what you want to the universe who is listening. Be the absolute best you can be and 'know' that you will find the man who can build a life you want. x

You need proper therapy to find out why you accepted crumbs and tried to make something work when it should have been so obvious it would never work. You broke up FOUR times in 10 MONTHS - most people wouldn't have got back together after the second break up so you really need to work out why you went back the second time, the third time and the fourth!! You say he was unemotional but then you said you fall hard so maybe he was protecting himself from you trying to love bomb him? Sorry if it sounds harsh but you are the walking red flag in this instance and that is maybe why you have this fear, you are ripe for an abusive man to walk into your life. Try doing The Freedom Programme to strengthen your boundaries before dating again.

@PotatoesAndCarrots huge credit to you for walking away from a relationship that wasn't right for you. This takes immense courage. You chose yourself when you ended the relationship and that is a very powerful thing to do. I think you need to be giving yourself a lot more pats on the back for this.

Of course you are going to reflect and wonder lots of things. That is a really natural thing to do and can also be helpful as often there are lessons we need to learn about ourselves. You just need to make sure you are learning any lessons kindly and not beating yourself up.

If you are feeling angry, fearful etc, then you are probably not ready to embark on a new relationship. Would you want to be dating someone who was dragging anger, fear and guilt from their recently ended relationship? Probably not. Just give yourself a bit of time to grieve the end of the last relationship and focus on yourself. You'll know when you are genuinely ready to get out there and be open to a new relationship again.

@LifeSurvior put it best. Wholeheartedly agree.

We can grow and learn from any and all experience, but that should be about ourselves. Anything you got accustomed to or "learned" about a past partner needs to stay there. The next person has nothing to do with the previous one, they are not responsible for each others' way of life, how they treat/treated you, literally anything. People who are not conscious of this fall into the pit of generalisations of "all men are pigs", "all men cheat", or "all women care about is money", etc... Example: I have a friend (F) who had 5 failed relationships in the last 10 years, and in all 5 cases the men have lied to her or cheated on her. She started contemplating that all men are like that. And that had to stop. Because it's not fair for anyone who would genuinely treat her nice and not lie, but because John, Jim and Jonathan lied to her years ago, he is labelled the same.

@INeedAnotherName First of all, thanks for taking the time to comment on my thread.

He didn’t break up with me 4 times. What I meant was his relationship history. BEFORE me, he broke up with four women, all due to incompatibility. And from what I know, they were all very similar to me in terms of character, hobbies, and general way of being. That’s why, after this relationship ended, I keep questioning why he chose to date me at all, when four previous relationships with very similar people hadn’t worked out.

As for love bombing, no, I didn’t love bomb him and I've never love bombed anyone. At all. If you’re curious, please just ask questions. You don’t need to come into someone else’s thread and start diagnosing them based assumptions you’ve made in your head. Asking questions is actually a lot more helpful.

i think it’s all about hormones. your age is relevant. if you were 25 or something you’d be shrugging this off but when the biological click is ticking ever louder in our ear it’s harder when you want to be a family wirh a nice guy and a baby.

if you want children you might have to go it alone.

if you expect to meet someone, date for say a year, get engaged for a year, married for a year, have a baby - that might not be possible at your age sorry.

my hormones shouted at me when i was at the same age. i thibk they do to many women whether they already have children or not. the shouting does go away. in time. but deciding if having a baby is what you want may be the first priority. the rejationship may be secondary.

well done for not settling for a guy that wasn’t right. we all carry pain etc with us. maybe counselling will help with both relationship and children concerns.

Thanks for sharing, there’s a really valuable lesson in that. My situation was quite similar. He treated me well, was lovely and all that, but deep down I knew it was a no, I just couldn’t explain why at the time. As time went on, the reasons became clearer.

Ohhh, well that wasn't very clear regarding the breakups. However I do accept i misread regarding the lovebombing based on the 4 breakups in 10 months and him being emotionally unavailable. I still stand by my recommendations of therapy to explore your anger/fear and The Freedom Programme. I'll leave the thread though and I wish you well.

There you are then. Thanks to Mother Nature and all that. You'll see why one day. And the men deserve to be with someone whose soul shouts 'Yes!' at them, as do you. Now the way is clear. Part of success is failure of course, but you have another shot now.

Maybe to stop thinking about it as well? It is a no win thinking situation, and it's stealing your precious time. You have the answer, and you have acted on it - there is nothing more to gain. Your task is to get back on your feet and be wonderful again. Get back on your feet and start affirming for what you want.

I do understand that breaking up was the right decision. We both could see it wasn’t working, and we both agreed we’d tried enough.

As for dating, thanks for sharing your perspective. I just want to clarify something. I’m not visibly angry, and I’m not angry all the time or constantly ruminating. Most people around me do not even know I’ve broken up, most of my friends don't even know I was in a relationship. It’s not active anger or overthinking. It just pops up quietly in my head from time to time, which I think is pretty normal when you remember someone or something and feel a bit emotional. I still remember my first boss from 20 years ago. I know I was young and made mistakes, and he wasn’t a great boss, and I still feel a bit of quiet anger about that now and then. Of course, it hardly ever crosses my mind. With my former boyfriend, it’s similar, just a bit more frequent.

When I talk about meeting new people, I’m not talking about anything high stakes. I just mean meeting people I already know and like. I am not even sure it counts as dating if it’s just a coffee or a walk during a lunch break. Still, I panic even then and end up cancelling, even though it’s nowhere near dating at that point. That’s what I mean 🙂

It sounds like you’re blaming him, that he had all the control. Much better to ask yourself what need he was fulfilling for you - you says it didn’t feel right but you continued anyway.

It sounds like he’s repeating the same relationship patterns over and over again, that’s his business and his issue to resolve. You stayed in it despite it not feeling right, that’s your issue to resolve so you don’t keep going against your gut instinct.

In any event neither of you did anything wrong, you had a relationship that didn’t work out - it happens. Better 10 months than 10 years.

That’s rough. And yeah, it’s easy to understand this stuff in theory, but when you’ve actually been through it, not generalising is really hard. I try not to, and thankfully my relationships have been quite different pattern-wise, although with the last 2 there were some similarities and I’m trying not to fall into that trap either.

Therapy is helping me recognise those patterns, so hopefully in the future the chances are better of meeting someone kind and compatible and not ending up questioning everything again. I really wish your friend well. It’s tough, but maybe learning about her patterns could help her stop being drawn to certain qualities in men that keep leading to them being womanisers.

@PotatoesAndCarrots I think you must be talking to someone else - not my post!

I like this way of thinking, sounds very Buddhist to me (in a good way) :)

I think you need to take a bit more objectively, rather than personally. This wasn’t a situation with one person being cruel, cheating, lying etc, you just weren’t compatible, not everybody is and not everybody is meant to be, that doesn’t make either of you wrong or faulty just different and that’s okay.

It’s easier said than done when you feel the clock is ticking and you want children but the thing I would say to work on in therapy if needed is figuring out your non-negotiable’s and be firm on them, walk away from something or someone that doesn’t match those.

@exhaustDAD That’s rough. And yeah, it’s easy to understand this stuff in theory, but when you’ve actually been through it, not generalising is really hard. I try not to, and thankfully my relationships have been quite different pattern-wise, although with the last 2 there were some similarities and I’m trying not to fall into that trap either.

Therapy is helping me recognise those patterns, so hopefully in the future the chances are better of meeting someone kind and compatible and not ending up questioning everything again. I really wish your friend well. It’s tough, but maybe learning about her patterns could help her stop being drawn to certain qualities in men that keep leading to them being womanisers.

You will slip into acceptance. Of his limitations. Anger can be replaced by actually caring for the person and the life they will lead, with no expectation of a relationship rekindling. When I get to that stage, I feel a huge peace and a blessing, as we are all just trying, and let go of the ‘reasons why’. My ex called up over Xmas for a cup of tea. Together many many years. I felt a peace from it. I knew he was in storytelling mode, and I knew my cue to laugh even though I’ve heard the punchline so many times. He wasn’t there to tell me his tales. He was there to check I was alright. It felt good. I laughed on cue. No resentment. I can wish him well now. Will start dating soon, and see what that kicks up!

I think you are approaching this with a very unique level of maturity, therapy is also great.. I have no doubt that you will be fine on this front. Just merely recognising the potential issue and trying to be proactive is an excellent step.