How do you accept a breakup caused by fundamental differences without carrying guilt, anger, or fear into future relationships?

[PotatoesAndCarrots]

A little over 3 months ago I ended a relationship that lasted about 10 months. I had just turned 40, he was the same age. I had really high hopes for us, finally building a family and a life together. Unfortunately, no matter how much we tried, we ended up breaking up because we were just deeply incompatible.

He struggled with emotional availability and I couldn’t stay in an emotionally empty relationship anymore. That also showed up in our sex life. There was very little connection or playfulness and by the end it wasn’t enjoyable for me at all. I need emotional connection for good sex, that’s a core need for me. He was very focused on geopolitics, business, work, and was constantly stressed, which started stressing me out too. I wanted a cozy home and a certain lifestyle, and he genuinely didn’t care about that. Even though we both wanted a family, our ways of living were so different that spending time together became exhausting. We started resenting each other. Neither of us was a bad person or malicious, we were just a really poor match.

Now, 3 months after the breakup, I’m honestly doing much better. The first weeks were rough, but I’ve accepted that we simply weren’t meant to be together. I sleep better, eat better, I never cry over him anymore, and I feel like I’m back to myself. And yet I’m still carrying a lot of anger and fear.

I’m angry at myself for not seeing it sooner and for trying to fix something that couldn’t really be fixed. And I’m angry at him because he had a very fixated personality, he knew who he was, and still chose to date me, who was basically his polar opposite in many important ways. He broke up 4 times, all of them due to incompatibility. You'd think he'd know by now... I also know anger is a normal phase after a breakup, especially once the active grief fades and you’re integrating the experience, but it’s still uncomfortable (consulted with ChatGPT about this, that is what I received, haha).

So I guess I’m looking for reassurance and perspective. What helped you let go of the anger after a breakup where the issue wasn’t abuse or betrayal, but deep emotional, sexual, or lifestyle incompatibility? How did you integrate it as a normal life experience instead of seeing it as a personal failure? That's my first question.

At the same time, I’ve started very slowly dating again. Nothing intense or desperate. If someone asks me out for a coffee and I like them, I consider saying yes. But the moment it becomes real, I get scared. Like, I don’t want another disappointment, another incompatibility, another heartbreak. So I cancel or back out as a way to protect myself.

I don’t want to be stuck like this. Coffee is just a low stakes way to get out of the house and have a positive interaction. But I still feel a bit injured and guarded. For those who’ve been through something similar, how did you get past that fear and start moving on naturally, without forcing it? So that's my second question.

Then I think that's the way to reframe this relationship, that it taught you something important that you can bring forward to future relationships.

Good post from @MargoLivebetter, too.

It’s really helpful reading other people’s perspectives, and yours makes a lot of sense. The thing is, on a rational level I know it was the right decision. But feelings are feelings, they are not rational, and they are not meant to be. My anger is very quiet, but it's directed towards both of us. My therapist says that anger is a natural phase of any breakup, whether it was a very toxic one, where the anger can be really strong, or one where nobody is at fault, where it’s quieter and comes and goes, even though you know logically it was for everyone’s good.

I’m working on my own stuff, because unfortunately this is a pattern for me. A few times before I knew someone wasn’t right for me, but for one reason or another I carried on. Usually it was along the lines of, “OK, we’re actually quite different, but he’s a good guy, he treats me well, he’s nice, we’ll probably be fine.” And then, of course, it never worked out.

I can’t wait to reach that stage. Honestly, I wish I was there from day one. Feeling happy for him, happy for myself, and at peace with both of us moving on. But I know it takes time.

I’ve always struggled with letting people go, whether it’s an ex, a family member, a former friend, or even a colleague I had conflict with. I tend to get stuck in the anger phase and find it hard to move into acceptance and peace. I know that’s my own stuff, and I’m the only one who can work through it.

In a weird way, I’m actually grateful for this relationship because it’s forced me to see a lot of my own patterns that aren’t helpful, not in life and not in relationships either.

Can I ask what helped you get to acceptance? Did you do any kind of self work?

Re “I just knew”: I think there is a danger of post-hoc rationalisation.

At the beginning of any relationship, even back to the first date, there will be moments of trepidation which, if the relationship later fails to work out, can be seized upon as “I just knew”.

But what of the counterfactual?

I’m not saying that we should ignore our instincts entirely. Gut feelings are useful primal protections.

But in this case, the proof of incompatibility didn’t come from the gut. You could describe it perfectly well, and you have learned from it.

You’re looking for shortcuts because the biological clock is ticking. But the best place from which to make future judgments, in my opinion, is to have forgiven yourself for not having learned everything yet.

Onwards and upwards!

Ufff, that makes so much sense. I believe in both. Sometimes our gut is really telling, but other times, as you say, we only realise later. I think my case was a mix of both. I had a sense of things, but of course I also learned a lot afterwards.

Do you have any advice on how not to fall into the trap of being put off by every little thing someone does? I think once we’ve been heartbroken a few times, there’s a real risk of misreading someone’s actions as a sign of danger or incompatibility.

@PotatoesAndCarrots one thing that helped me was my dad saying "you can only work with the information you have at the time of the event". Hindsight is wonderful but I found I was beating myself up over things I had no control over and didn't know about until we had split.
Edited to add Sorry I can't suggest anything about future relationships

No worries, the first piece was really relevant. Need to remind myself of that more often. Cheers!

Do you have any advice on how not to fall into the trap of being put off by every little thing someone does? I think once we’ve been heartbroken a few times, there’s a real risk of misreading someone’s actions as a sign of danger or incompatibility.

But earlier you also said:

I tend to get attached very quickly, and once I do, it becomes extremely difficult for me to walk away, as I want to keep trying.

It sounds as though you're concerned that you're going to try to over-correct. But I don't think you will, because you're now cognisant of both excesses. You may be over-thinking it at the moment, but thinking is exactly the right thing to be doing. I reckon you're going to be just fine.

Hoping so.

How can you be angry with someone just for being incompatible with you?
It's not his fault, nor yours. It has been resolved.
I've never been angry after a break up due to incompatability.

Op, are you the lovely lady who received the book after the break up?

It sounds to me like you're angry that it didn't work out even though you know on a conscious level you did nothing wrong, neither did he. You just weren't compatible.
It's totally natural to feel angry, it's part of grieving a relationship ending.
You had high hopes of this relationship working out but it wasn't meant to be.
So give yourself some slack, perhaps go for a run, get a punch bag, scream & shout.
Take away the knowledge that you've gained from it & apply it in future.
You will eventually meet the right person for you.
Trust me you will

This. Great advice.