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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would this bother you? My friend and my ex husband

48 replies

Keypop · 26/01/2026 12:51

Ex husband cheated on me 3 years ago, had numerous affairs which I was completely oblivious too, all sorts of deceit and betrayal. Our 3 children were all under 5 then. He moved out, we divorced and we co parent now as best as possible, which isn’t always easy.

my close friends really have the man, and rightly so, in my eyes, if their husbands did the same I would not maintain any sort of friendship.

I have a really good friend, she has been a great support to me, I confide in her and we meet up often. She knows all the heartache I’ve been through, she only knows ex husband through me.

ex husband has told me twice now over past few months that my friend has messaged him. Once was to ask for a restaurant recommendation (for the city we live in?) and second was to ask for a physio recommendation. Ex husband has no real links to these things. Oh and he also showed me the messages while telling me, not that I asked but we we at an appointment with our son when one of them came through and it was like “oh there’s Sarah has messaged, that’s random, she’s asking where’s good for food”

I’ve felt quite bothered by this because my friend would fully support me to my fave but is then randomly messaging my ex, but has never told me that. In fact would actively imply she would never even speak to him if she seen him.

this may all sound very petty but it has bothered me a lot

OP posts:
WinterSunglasses · 26/01/2026 12:52

I wouldn't like that either OP. What is your friend's relationship status?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 26/01/2026 12:52

Have you asked her about it?

FuzzyWolf · 26/01/2026 12:54

You know the answer to this. She’s interested in him and is trying to instigate a conversation that will lead somewhere.

It comes down to whether you can separate your friendship with someone you have trusted with someone you have trusted going after and potentially dating your ex (whilst knowing all of your side of things about the breakup of your relationship).

Keypop · 26/01/2026 12:54

WinterSunglasses · 26/01/2026 12:52

I wouldn't like that either OP. What is your friend's relationship status?

shes happily married. I don’t see this as a romantic thing from her end

OP posts:
Keypop · 26/01/2026 12:55

ToKittyornottoKitty · 26/01/2026 12:52

Have you asked her about it?

I did the first time, as in I said I didn’t realise they kept in touch and she said she just wanted a recommendation

OP posts:
Branleuse · 26/01/2026 12:56

Ask her to stop messaging him and tell her that he tells you, so not sure what's going on, but you'll be upfront that you would prefer her to not stay friends with him as you don't want divided loyalties.
If it continued, I'd cut her off.

Error4O4 · 26/01/2026 12:58

There's nothing petty about this at all, she's no friend, she's a snake and fishing for attention 🙄 plain and simple. Guess what there is a Google to find places and recommendations. Also she could of asked you since you live in the same area. I am sorry but if my friend messaged my ex who they only knew through me and had no real relationship with them whatsoever, I would be having a serious talk with them. Also it seems like your ex is taking great pleasure in showing you these messages as well and he knows what he's doing.

Starlight1979 · 26/01/2026 13:11

Keypop · 26/01/2026 12:54

shes happily married. I don’t see this as a romantic thing from her end

Really? What would you see it as....?

Because if a bloke was randomly messaging a woman for random reasons then everyone would suspect it's because he was interested in her / wanted to shag her.

Keypop · 26/01/2026 13:12

Starlight1979 · 26/01/2026 13:11

Really? What would you see it as....?

Because if a bloke was randomly messaging a woman for random reasons then everyone would suspect it's because he was interested in her / wanted to shag her.

I don’t know. Maybe it is

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 26/01/2026 13:14

Would she think it was appropriate and okay for you to start messaging her husband for recommendations?

Tinsofbeans · 26/01/2026 13:17

How did she get his number? She didn't tell you that she was messaging. So disloyal. I'd not bother with her again when you've trusted her and she's let you down. I dont think you're being petty at all. I can't even see why she'd do it unless she's hoping to start up a conversation and find out more about your relationship?

TheThingOnTheIce · 26/01/2026 13:17

That’s so weird
surely she would message you with these questions
my guess is she’s not as happily married as she claims and she’s trying to open a link with your ex
I’d be furious to be honest.

TheThingOnTheIce · 26/01/2026 13:18

FuzzyWolf · 26/01/2026 13:14

Would she think it was appropriate and okay for you to start messaging her husband for recommendations?

Indeed

RealEagle · 26/01/2026 13:20

You’re friends a snake ,don’t confide in her .

FriendsWithoutBenefits12 · 26/01/2026 13:20

Keypop · 26/01/2026 12:54

shes happily married. I don’t see this as a romantic thing from her end

Really? What DO you see it as? He has no skin in either game so ....why message him.? She's a snake imo. Wise up

stealthninjamum · 26/01/2026 13:21

It’s wrong whether she wants a platonic friendship or something a bit more romantic / physical. If I had seen a close friend hurt by someone cheating I wouldn’t dream of contacting the cheater.

OriginalUsername2 · 26/01/2026 13:30

It would bother me a lot because she’s finding reasons to message him. Has she heard of google, reviews, asking people she actually knows..? I’d ask her why she feels the need.

TheIceBear · 26/01/2026 13:35

Yeh I’m easy going but this would bother me. There is absolutely no good reason for her to be texting him looking for recommendations on such things. Sounds like she is making excuses to text him hoping for something more to come out of it.

Delphiniumandlupins · 26/01/2026 13:40

I'm pretty sure I would delete the number of my friend's cheating ex. I wouldn't keep any links to them.

outerspacepotato · 26/01/2026 13:41

Your "friend" is interested in your ex and she's very, very, very two faced lying snake, apologies to snakes.

Don't trust her. Women don't randomly text their friends' exes asking about things they're not even involved in. She's using those as an excuse to start contact with him.

Short version, she is Bad News.

TheThingOnTheIce · 26/01/2026 13:44

Delphiniumandlupins · 26/01/2026 13:40

I'm pretty sure I would delete the number of my friend's cheating ex. I wouldn't keep any links to them.

Yup when I think about it whenever a friend has been cheated on I’ve deleted their ex from Facebook etc immediately . Absolutely no excuse for a friend contacting a cheating ex

Empress13 · 26/01/2026 13:46

Sorry but I think this is weird as hell. Why not Google / ask you if she wants recommendations. I’d keep your distance she’s up to something

Wickedlittledancer · 26/01/2026 13:47

I’m afraid I’d also assume she’s interested and wanting to open conversation with him. I’d not challenge her but I’d be very circumspect on whay you say to her. I would drop in oh jimmy said you texted him again, finds it a bit random and laugh and move the convo on.

VikingLady · 26/01/2026 13:48

She knows he’s a fan of secret affairs, so it looks like she’s after one herself. I suspect she assumes he’ll be likely to keep it quiet.

MonsteraDeliciosa · 26/01/2026 13:51

There is no innocent reason whatsoever to message a friend’s bastard ex-husband and ask him things he knows nothing about. None.

She’s trying to get his attention and instigate contact. Good restaurant? Probably hoping for “I’ll take you if you like”

Distance yourself from this “friend”