What would you think if you received this message?

[MakingPositiveChanges]

Hi all

A bit of a background...

I am 50 and have worked for 20 years in a field that is known for high workload, long hours and high mental load. This has worsened significantly in the last couple of years and I'm afraid to say that, during that time, a lot of my life as 'slipped'. Over the past 6-12 months my health (physical and mental) has also dipped due to work related stress. I've dealt with it by keeping my head down, putting the blinkers on and just getting on with things.

I slowly dropped all of my hobbies as I just didn't have the time/mental capacity to do them anymore and friendships have either fallen by the wayside or not been fully developed as a result. I have just withdrawn from life really.

My work has changed since Christmas. I'm working fewer hours with less stress, I've been to the GP and my health issues are now being addressed and, as a result, I feel more positive about life and I'm ready to make tentative steps into putting some of this right...

I reconnected with an old friend recently who I haven't seen in 25 years and it was lovely.

It's given me a bit of a boost and also made me see what I've missed out on by being so all consumed by work (I haven't really had much choice. As a single parent, the options for changing work work limited given it was a professional role i specifically trained for).

Due to this change, I've been wondering about trying to reconnect with a few women I've met over recent years, who I now only see because we have bumped into each other or have been to the same gigs/weddings rather than actively planning to do so. It's always nice and there are always tentative, "I've missed you, we should meet up properly" type exchanges but I get back to work and it's gone. We're very friendly but not friends because of this.

These are women whose company I enjoy and have fun with when I see them but haven't seen them often due to work.

I know that some of their lives also have become less frantic over recent years due to significant life changes and many have more time as a result.

So I was thinking of sending a message to a couple to briefly say there have been changes, I have more time and headspace and I would love to meet up if they'd like to.

I have significantly more time and mental capacity to be a friend and a good one now than I have for years and I'd really like to make some positive changes in my life to this effect.

I know (well, assume!) these women like me even if we haven't become good friends or friendships have drifted and would just like to give it a chance. I appreciate that they might not be interested or will have new/other demands on their lives.

I really just want to know how you'd feel if you received a message like this?
I think I'd feel pleased that they were in a better place and, if I genuinely liked them as a person, I'd meet up at least once just to see how it went.

I don't have many friends and I really think I need to do this.

I would very much welcome it and would think you were brave and honest to send it

Sounds sensible

Don’t expect a whoosh of enthusiasm as they will have their one lives, families and likely friendship groups, but definitely worth reaching out.

Hello op. Glad to hear you’re in a better place now!

Id be pleased to receive a message like that and I’d be happy to meet up. But I know lots of people on mn are very transactional about friendship and count minutely the give and take in a friendship.

But what have you got to lose?

Why not frame it as “fancy a coffee on Tuesday?” And see What the reaction is. Make it something firm. You can always explain more fully when you meet.

I’d keep it light, no need to lay on thick about drastic life changes etc which might feel a bit much coming from somebody they don’t see regularly. Ultimately if they like you and want to spend time with you they will take you up on your offer of having a coffee / lunch / whatever. Good luck OP!

I think it's a great idea! So glad you're feeling better.

I'd advise against saying you now have more time and headspace - it sounds a bit like you couldn't be bothered with them, but are now looking to fill some spare time.

"I've missed you, we should meet up properly" is much nicer. By all means show that you've managed to claw some time back from your insane work demands, and hope your friend's also feeling able to catch up on long-missed friendships. Basically, be honest.

I imagine you’ll get a mix of responses - some will be chasing to get to the position you’re in and too busy or aren’t so good at reconnecting but I imagine you’ll also get responses from people who would jump at the change and will be thrilled that someone has taken the first step. Well done you xx

I would be flattered that someone felt that making contact with me was their positive move

I'd be pleased.
I think maybe have something low key in mind that you want to do that you think they'll be into (gig, pictures) if you get a good response. Eg. I've been dying to see x, dunno if it's your sort of thing but I'm going to go next week if you fancy joining?

Hi I’m glad you had the courage to get advice and that you are feeling healthier, mentally and physically.

I would love to hear from you were I your friend. I can’t promise I would feel the same as you do, but it’s always lovely when people want to connect, I think.

I wonder why you feel the need to explain? Just send out some messages, hope they bear fruit and you see old friends and if it progresses to a closer friendship and the time is right, explain. I don’t know that you need a reason to want to spend time with those you like.

Well nothing ventured nothing gained. What have you possibly got to lose?. I probably wouldn’t go into big spiel explaining in a message but tell them you’ve missed them and try and fix a date to meet. Friends are important - I’ve been really lax in the past about staying in touch with people and I really regret that. I wish I’d stayed in touch with a couple of school friends. However I do have a pretty good group of women around me now and I conscious I don’t want to lose that.

I would be delighted to hear from you but I would find it a bit intense and possibly a bit arrogant to receive one about you having more headspace.

you can go into this when you see them but everyone has shit they are dealing with (health issues/workload/elderly parents/difficult children) and the message you are planning to send may be received a little as though you are discounting any heavy life shit they may have had and that yours is more important.

I would be please to receive that message.

Lots of people on SM say they can’t make friends, so I’d think you might get some positive replies.

Thank you!

I wasn't thinking of going into chapter and verse about everything - not in a message anyway!

I suppose I wanted to say something that communicated I do have more time now - even the ones I saw more regularly, we only saw each other every couple of months and had little contact in between. It was little more than a coffee and felt like a bit of a what's been happening in your life? information exchange rather than a friendship.

So I suppose I want to communicate that I'm in a different place now and do have more time. I was literally working 12 hour+ days and at weekends too. Even time off work was spent working (not by choice) and I was too exhausted to do anything more than function on a early basic level and, given the impact on my health, wasn't doing that very well! None of it was a choice on my part.

I was thinking a coffee or a drink in a local bar we all like. Something low key and low demand! It feels very tentative from my side.

I would be flattered that someone felt that making contact with me was their positive move

Thank you and that's how I hope they'd see it because that's what it is.

I agree with the keep it light suggestions. Just a, it was so good to bump into you let's meet up, type message is best.

I agree with this. I'd be happy to hear from you but the "more headspace" bit isn't necessary and does sound a bit intense - like "I'm ready to invest in you as a friend now" rather than "let's have a coffee"

For the love of God, do not send a message about having time and headspace or any long back story like above.

Just say something like ‘Hi how are you, would you like to grab a coffee some time?’

I would also leave out the big explanation but maybe a "sorry I've not been in touch for ages, would love to meet up again, do you fancy a coffee sometime next month?" sort of thing instead. Just be aware that some people will have their own stuff going on that means they don't want to or can't right now. But I think getting in touch is a good idea.

From your update it sounds like the limited meet ups were fairly mutual anyway so perhaps you're overthinking it by wanting to explain.

The comments about not explaining are fair enough and, tbh, that's why I asked here.

Part of the work pressure has been excessive and unwarranted scrutiny and constant criticism (not just to me, its not personal or related to my performance, it's just how my profession has evolved) it's hard to escape that feeling that you constantly need to over justify yourself!

I have done something similar, recently, OP. I said something along the lines of ‘I would really love to see you! When are you free?’ to convey its not a ‘we must meet for coffee some time…’ holding text.

I’ve met up with 3 old friends in the past 3 weeks off the back of it - they were all delighted to hear from me / see me.

Life is hectic and a lot of us end up sidelining ourselves and our friends at different points in life. Most people understand that.

Yes to suggesting a meet up- and maybe throw out some semi concrete suggestions ie “I don’t work Fridays if that could work for you?” so they know it’s a real offer.

Don’t do the “I now have time for this” bit. It sounds a bit patronising and, tbh- everyone has their shit going on!

In some respects they were mutual and largely came out of my free time and capacity being very limited and then it not aligning with theirs due to ongoing family commitments.

Eg I would have 1 or 2 days in a 2-3 month period when I was able to meet up but they were the days they looked after their grandchild or cared for an elderly parent or worked themselves or just had made other plans and I didn't have the flexibility or capacity to change my availability.

It wasn't fault on either part. It was just life.

I know that some of them have more time now because of things like grandchildren starting school, retirement/semi retirement. So whilst I don't assume for a second that they no longer have demands on their time, there is just more hope/chance that we all have a bit more capacity really. Not just me.

Obviously I know they're not all in the same position. I'm thinking of a few people and a few different scenarios. I'm aware of their ongoing life demands.

But I also think there maybe a few whose lives have become a little less full and, to be blunt, I do have more time now so I do have more flexibility even if they don't so I'm in a better place to work around them.

I think I feel a lot of it has been down to my work and that is why I suppose I thought I needed to explain that.

It's not that I now have more time and so can concede to gifting some of it to them, just that I now have the capacity to he present in life and won't just be someone who only pops up every couple of months!

They understood it was mostly my work demands that got in the way.

But fair enough, I won't say anything like that.

I would have meant it as an apology/explanation rather than a 'right, I now have some time and I want you to fill it for me!'

OP, are you a teacher? Just got a feeling!

Yeah I think leave out long explanations and just message along if they fancy coffee. If I was them, I’d be pleased!