What would you think if you received this message?

[MakingPositiveChanges]

Hi all

A bit of a background...

I am 50 and have worked for 20 years in a field that is known for high workload, long hours and high mental load. This has worsened significantly in the last couple of years and I'm afraid to say that, during that time, a lot of my life as 'slipped'. Over the past 6-12 months my health (physical and mental) has also dipped due to work related stress. I've dealt with it by keeping my head down, putting the blinkers on and just getting on with things.

I slowly dropped all of my hobbies as I just didn't have the time/mental capacity to do them anymore and friendships have either fallen by the wayside or not been fully developed as a result. I have just withdrawn from life really.

My work has changed since Christmas. I'm working fewer hours with less stress, I've been to the GP and my health issues are now being addressed and, as a result, I feel more positive about life and I'm ready to make tentative steps into putting some of this right...

I reconnected with an old friend recently who I haven't seen in 25 years and it was lovely.

It's given me a bit of a boost and also made me see what I've missed out on by being so all consumed by work (I haven't really had much choice. As a single parent, the options for changing work work limited given it was a professional role i specifically trained for).

Due to this change, I've been wondering about trying to reconnect with a few women I've met over recent years, who I now only see because we have bumped into each other or have been to the same gigs/weddings rather than actively planning to do so. It's always nice and there are always tentative, "I've missed you, we should meet up properly" type exchanges but I get back to work and it's gone. We're very friendly but not friends because of this.

These are women whose company I enjoy and have fun with when I see them but haven't seen them often due to work.

I know that some of their lives also have become less frantic over recent years due to significant life changes and many have more time as a result.

So I was thinking of sending a message to a couple to briefly say there have been changes, I have more time and headspace and I would love to meet up if they'd like to.

I have significantly more time and mental capacity to be a friend and a good one now than I have for years and I'd really like to make some positive changes in my life to this effect.

I know (well, assume!) these women like me even if we haven't become good friends or friendships have drifted and would just like to give it a chance. I appreciate that they might not be interested or will have new/other demands on their lives.

I really just want to know how you'd feel if you received a message like this?
I think I'd feel pleased that they were in a better place and, if I genuinely liked them as a person, I'd meet up at least once just to see how it went.

I don't have many friends and I really think I need to do this.

I'm so glad it worked out for you!

Are they longer term friendships that have drifted, or people you’ve occasionally chatted to at various parties etc?

Definitely contact your old friendships, but the more casual aquantices may find it odd to receive the message.

Yes 😪

I would love it! A lot of women get consumed by work and/or young kids for a while and friendships and social life drift as a result. Over the last couple of years a couple of people have reached out to me and in turn that has reminded me to reach out to others. It’s been lovely to reconnect and rebuild friendships. Go for it, OP, you have nothing to lose!

I wouldn’t make a thing of the change in your circumstances by message. You might choose to share that when you meet up, but it seems a bit harsh to actually state in writing that you were too busy/ill for them before but now you want the friendship back.

I think actions speak louder than words. Message with an invitation you think each person might like and have time for. Message and ask them round/out for a coffee. Or for a walk with the dogs, or to see a film you both would enjoy. Something concrete they can say yes to rather than a vague “I have more time/capacity now and it’d be great to see you”, which is really just the same as your current verbal “we should meet up” interactions.

Me too! I recognised the signs in your posts 🤣

A bit of both.

Obviously, I wouldn't message people I've have only chatted to occasionally at parties but more potential friendships with women I got on well with and saw fairly frequently and got on woth well where we were always pleased to see each other but weren't close enough for the impact of work to not be problematic. Some of them also worked in similar roles but have now retired and got it.

Friends I have had for a few years, it would be easier, yes.

But there is one I saw weekly and was Friends with for 10 years but haven't seen at all for the last 2 (life pressures on both sides) and I don't know where the time has gone, tbh.

OP, are you male or female?

it isn’t clear from your posts and I suspect if you were male then the responses would be very different.

I agree with the PPs about not explaining.

I would text and say you’d love to have a proper catch up over a coffee or something and to let you know when they’re free so you can arrange something.

You could even literally say - are you free next weekend to meet for a coffee for a catch up in person - as sometimes it’s very easy to keep saying you’ll let each other know when you’re free and it never actually happening.

Female 👍

work can be like that sometimes, something for prolonged periods. In my friendship circles it’s not so unusual for someone to drop out of sight for a while then reemerge with a ‘fancy a coffee, it’s been a while’ type of message.

perfectly normal, real friends ie decent people will be glad to pick up where you left off.

It’s all good. The way you demonstrate your availability is to not flake on agreements. Enjoy.

Great ideas.

There is one woman who spends a lot of time out walking her dog. Maybe I'll see if she fancies some company and a coffee afterwards!

Thank you.

Thanks. No, I definitely don't ever flake on agreements. It's making the arrangements in the first place that the issue!

i would cut the long reasons of ‘why’ OP if seeing them — because if you are a teacher my first thought would have been why couldn’t she spare me half a half an hour coffee in the holidays - of which there are multiple. Not trying to be nasty, I just think a few might ‘think’ it . I’ve got a lovely friend who always seems very full on but that’s because she chooses to make it that way and has far far more friends than me, so doesn’t prioritise me, I’ve learnt not to feel ‘aggrieved’ if she doesn’t get in touch for 5 weeks etc - you should get in touch with people but I wouldn’t build it up as a big thing, often if you don’t maintain friendships the connection isn’t always what you think it will be and yes I gave had friends who seem keener on getting together when they suddenly have a lot more headspace/time to fill -

I’d just say ‘I’ve made it a New Year’s resolution to reconnect with all my amazing women friends. I’d love to see more of you in 2026 - free on xyz?’

I'd keep it quite light - 'hey, hope you're well. It's been a while since we caught up, life takes over sometimes doesn't it! It would be great to catch up over a coffee in the next couple of weeks if you are free?

I have done this recently after a tough mental health period that lasted a lot longer than I had acknowledged at the time.

Once you do reach out and start seeing people, something a few of us (my friends) have found helpful is to get another date in the diary each time we meet up. Sometimes that’s 6 or 8 weeks away, with one friend who lives further away it’s 4 or 5 months away and we pencil it in. I find this helps me not to procrastinate arranging a meet up. Of course we’re flexible and will move things if something comes up but it really helps.

I‘m glad you’re feeling better. Reconnecting with friends has been a much needed turning point for me.

I think this is a great time of year to restart a social life. I’ve approached this by saying ‘we always say let’s get together but life moves fast and before we know it another year has passed and we still haven’t put a date in. So how about xx/when works for you.’
Give it a try and good luck!

Go for it!

Since retiring & our youngest going to Uni, I have reconnected with old friends that I simply didn't have the time or headspace for in the past. It wasn't because I didn't want to know them, I simply didn't have the capacity. That's life.

Have fun!

Bit baffled by why the answers would be different if you were male.

Anyway, hope it all works out and you enjoy reconnecting

I’d be happy to receive a message to meet up but would think it odd (and be put off) by explanations. There’s really no need. We’re all busy. We all have a million reasons why we don’t get round to organising meet ups. There’s usually one person in every friendship group who’s the organiser. If they didn’t do it, stuff would never happen. Just get in touch. People will engage with you or they won’t.

That's the problem though. I could spare a couple of hours in the holidays but only that.

If they were on holiday, looking after grandchildren or elderly parents, or working themselves, there was no mother time to meet.

I love that suggestion. Thanks!

That's exactly it. I'm glad it's worked for you. Thanks.

I suppose it's because I specifically mentioned wanting to reconnect with female friends.