Surviving a narcissist - please help

[sapphirenight]

Name changed. A bit of background - 4 children between us, none together. We are married but separated 4 weeks ago and still living in same house. I am desperately looking for a home to rent for me and my children. We rent currently so no house to sell etc.

I have no idea how I let this happen, but due to therapy (ongoing) I can clearly see that I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship with this person for years. It’s only the last 12 months that things have really escalated, and I am seeing the true person.

He is controlling and coercive and with hindsight, I can see this has been present throughout the relationship at a lower, less frequent level of abuse.

Since separation, he is constantly messaging me when at work - long, long messages. Demanding answers about my whereabouts, who I’m in contact with and why. Threatening to turn up at my workplace if I don’t reply to the messages so he can speak to me in person. I have been staying at various friends houses when my children are with their dad and he doesn’t like the fact that he doesn’t know where I am/what I’m doing. Believes I should tell him.

I’ve been locked out of my home. Told I’m mentally ill. My family and friends have been contacted about his ‘concern for me’. He says he still loves me and cares about me and hopes I get the help I need. I’m also an alcoholic (I’m not). He still tries to have sex with me. Sometimes I’ve done it to just keep the peace whilst biding my time until I can get out. He calls me names (lying slag amongst others) and says he’s trying not to despise me but I make it hard for him. His narrative is very much that he is the victim in all this, and it’s because of my actions that we have split up. Just to note, it was him that called it a day after I went on a rare night out with friends and got home later than anticipated.

Is this narcissistic abuse? My head is such a mess and I wonder sometimes if everything he’s saying about me is true. I feel like I’m going crazy.

In addition to the above, threats have been made that he will ruin me should I disrespect him. He thinks I’ve been seeing someone - I haven’t. I have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship with anyone other than myself, whilst doing the absolute best for my children. This is how it will be until my children are adults living their own lives. I just want peace and calm.

How do I navigate these next few weeks?? I feel exhausted and absolutely lost. Is this my fault? Am I a bad person? Please be gentle with me. Any advice, practical or otherwise, would be really appreciated.

Just agree with him!

There's no point in trying to 'win' this or change his opinion. It's just noise he's making because he's shocked that anyone could reject him.

Useful phrases:
Oh, dear
I see what you mean
Sorry you feel that way
Uh-huh
I'll get back to you on that.

Get your therapist to help you build a 'force field' (psychological trick to save you being upset by angry people's noise).

Try firing off a standard response to his emails, something like "Got your message. Will reply at the end of the day." Save them all up to read (or not) after work.

With his absurd demands for information, come up with a bland answer like "That information isn't necessary" in whatever form will sound least triggering to him, and reply always the same. Ensure you sound detached, uninterested, unemotional.

Hope you find somewhere soon!

Sounds like pretty standard coercive control. He tried to control you by ending the relationship and it backfired and he’s too dumb to know he can’t claw it back. Refusing to accept it’s over.

Are you afraid of him? Trying to understand how you can end up having sex if you’re not.

Have you filed for divorce?advised landlord you are leaving? Can he stay there on his own? Can you use this time to untangle any finances and get paperwork in order?

Yes he sounds awful. Stop having sex with him! Build on your self esteem.

It's abuse but there is absolutely no need to label someone as a narcissist. You don't describe any narcissistic traits in your post and it's important that you don't go down the rabbit hole of looking up things which may or may not be relevant in your situation.
It's good to hear that you are in therapy. Are you also in contact with womens aid?
What are your housing options? Are you able to rent a much smaller place for now just to get out of the house? You may have to bunk with your kids in a one bed or a studio but it will still be better than going through this. You may also get a priority for housing if escaping DV.
If you haven't been in touch with womens aid yet, Is do it ASAP. They will advise further.
Essentially, you need to get out of the house sharpish. Then block and delete his number.
Can your kids stay with their dad for an extended period of time until you sort the practicalities out?

Ask your children’s dad to keep the children until you find a new house to rent so they are kept away from their step dad. Do you have a family who you could stay with temporarily?

Can you get help with women’s aid?

If he's forcing you to have sex, that is rape, I'm very sorry to say. I would genuinely ring the police next time that happens, and (hopefully) they would remove him from your home, and stop him coming back.

If not, do you have any family who could have you to stay with the kids? Let your landlord know you're moving out if so, so you're not on the hook for any owed rent.

The other stuff is also abusive, and (supposedly) courts take a dimmer view of it all than they used to, although I have very little faith in the legal system.

I would give Women's Aid a call, to see where you stand. How are the children faring in all this?

P.s Keep all the messages from him. Show them to the police. Maybe they could start the process to issue some sort of order to keep him away from you?

He’s far worse than a narcissist!

Yes, this sounds like narcissistic abuse. Yanbu to call it what it is if that's helpful for you.

People have really taken a dislike to the term as its so overused unfortunately.

Engage as little as possible. Try and keep it just to the kids. Try and block out the noise of what he's saying to other people, he's doing that to wind you up.

I've been there.

you must grey rock. Can you talk to your therapist and ask for some help with this?

Wow this sounds like my ex.

we haven’t been together for two years and I still get questioned on whether I’m seeing someone if I’m talking to someone. It’s extremely draining but I’ve learnt to give simple plain answers like no, yes and ok. He tries constantly to start rows with me and I don’t entertain it anymore no matter how horrible he gets and if he uses certain tactics to get a rise I just ignore it. I have as little conversation with him as possible and use the grey rock term with him, I know exactly how you feel as I had this and unfortunately for me I had a child with ‘it’ so I have some sort of bound to him until our child is 18 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

I’ve been through court numerous times to to stop it all as he would turn up outside my home, constantly buy me gifts, put on water works, wait round the corner when I was due to do school runs and threaten to keep our child and go for full custody if he didn’t like something I said. He even got people to spy on me when I went food shopping and went out he was always saying I was seen and he was told of things I was up to. (I Never did anything) it got to the point where I felt paranoid and anxious about being watched and I would stay in and not go out only for school runs and appointments. Then one day I was like no this isn’t ok anymore and put my foot down hence the court hearings. He didn’t like that tried everything to portray me as a shit mum and use our child as ammo didn’t get him very far. He even went to the extent of stopping me taking her abroad so I had to put in for an emergency order as he ‘had proof’ I was ‘mentally unstable’ yet was ok to always give our child back even after threatening to keep our child because of this, he.also never rang social for welfare checks and so on so his claims of me being unstable was seen as him being a prick, it was just a way of him punishing me and trying to portray me as some nutty psycho as he always used to call me names like this too. I’ve been reading a book on co parenting with a narcissist and it’s literally my ex to a tee these people use the same shit all the time, things like shit mum, crazy psycho and cheating slag are their favourite abusive tactics.

Thank you l for your replies. @January2026Bluesoohsthis sounds awful but you on the other hand sound so strong. That is where I need to get to. Yes I have people who are supposedly feeding back ‘information’ to him on whatever I’m doing. Which is not a right lot!
My children are staying with their dad until I secure our own home. They are mid teens and we have a good, honest relationship. I tell them what I absolutely need to and have said that if they want to know anything more, they can ask me whatever they want and I will answer honestly. They are both looking forward to it being just the 3 of us.

ive started divorce proceedings. I’ve enrolled on the freedom program. I’m working towards a calm, happy and healthy future for me and my children.

I will make sure I document everything. I have screenshots of all the messages in case he deleted them. They are vile. If it continues, I will contact the police.

Thank you everyone, really helpful replies.

just a small note of advice to add. If you can, record your conversations on your phone. It can be reassuring for you to know you have evidence of his behaviour and can check back if he tries to twist things and gaslight you about what was and wasn’t said etc. You may well not want to listen back, but knowing you have proof can strengthen resolve and knowing the truth.
You can get through this 💪

I wasn’t to start with. I was like you confused and thought it was me and that I was going crazy, I would put up and be quiet just so I didn’t trigger him or set him off, walked on egg shells all the time, he would gas light me and then say things and then say he didnt say them and I had made them up and was going mad it got to the point I thought I was because he would then love bomb me everytime after and shower me with gifts and shout his love for me and cry. It was a proper head fuck. He still til this day buys me things I say thanks then come home and bin them. No doubt he will get me stuff for Valentine’s Day, then it will follow with abuse and again I’ll just ignore it and throw it all away. I’ve learnt his patterns. He’s not as bad as he was because of the grey rock technique I’ve learned but he will do little things to try and get a rise out of me and I literally just ignore it. Defo wrote things down date and times and keep all the messages and call logs you need evidence of the harassment and abuse when eventually it goes to court as they don’t care about what he says or she says it’s about solid evidence of the abuse and threats. You will get there, defo get yourself out of the house and start divorce proceedings it will get ugly to start with because your fighting back and he will do everything in his power to stop it and make out he’s the victim but don’t rise to it ignore ignore ignore. I know it’s harder said than done but trust me simple yes, no and ok for messages that need an answer everything else just ignore even if he gets really nasty. Simple ignore it and do not reply.

This is my ex-husband. A vile individual who is now a ‘wounded narcissist’ by me leaving. Getting out was hard, accepting you will always be ‘in their sights’ is harder.

I had all the same accusations, the same control, the same belittling until mental and physical health was shattered. Be so, so thankful you have no children together. I am not so lucky.

There will be much good advice on here. Firstly, it is important to become non-reactive in any communication. Reply only when required and not at all if you can. Check all your devices, log out of everything and change passwords. Remove access to any shared calendars. Check and check again - social media, come off it if necessary and slowly withdraw information about you away from him.

Tell your work if you have a sympathetic boss. Keep a record of contact somewhere only you can access it.

Protect your finances, start looking for all emotional, mental, financial support you can. Retrieve any sentimental items or personal item from the home now - they will be lost to you otherwise.

This is a narcissistic. The details already written on this thread it’s clear he is an abusive narcissistic. No not all men/women are but this thread it’s very clear he 110% is.

Agree. Get some support from WA. Do some research on the CRIME that is coercive control, log all the incidents and go to the police.

Right now your life is in danger.

His behaviour is on the well established trajectory of VAWG where the biggest risk to their lives is in the TWO years after the relationship ends and the stalking and harassment ramps up.

You need professional external support and a safety plan in place.

Please take the first step.

Is it the case that if you are the victim of DA (which is what the emotional violence, coercive control and harassment behaviours described here are) - emergency housing is prioritised and court costs are reduced?

Narcissistic personality disorder:
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions). 4. Requires excessive admiration.
4. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
5. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
6. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
7. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.
8. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

If you are on a low income and have proof of things you can get help towards these. I went for a non mole order which I was told by the police to go ahead with when it should have been a restraining order really, then when he refused to allow me to take out child abroad I had to pay some of the costs towards this order and get a hearing asap but because he didn’t get his way and ruin the holiday he then said to the judge I want full custody and now we are having child arrangement hearings.

There are many different types of narcissists. What you have listed is just one variation of a narcissist. I’m reading a book on this matter and there are quite a few different variations of a narcissist.

I’ve been there.
You are doing really well with how you are coping. I agree with others who suggested grey rock and you have the massive advantage of not having any kids with him and not owning property.
As others have said here, it’s about control, possession etc, so even though I haven’t been with ex for years, and have only seen him once at a funeral in years (and have dated, lived with and eventually married a person I met soon after I split with ex) because we had a child together he still tried to get occasional ‘favours’ out of me based on this connection - Even though he has since married , had another child and divorced (that was an interesting conversation with the ex wife!) .

He is highly manipulative, bizarrely plausible to people that don’t know him/don't see him. Even towards his own adult child who finally, with the help of therapy is beginning to see him - unsurprisingly child visits rarely and mainly to see wider family.

He no longer has power over me, hasn’t for years, but he can still cause disruption down the line for any major events concerning son. Again I have had to let go of that and take heart that I am the parent involved regularly, not just when there is something to boast about to others.

I always describe ex as a cardboard cut out personality. As in, unless he is on show or has something to gain he just shuts down in to a one dimensional entity.

His ex wife concurred. Neither of us are unintelligent women.

Anyway I see him as the sad pathetic lonely man he really is. I can almost feel sorry for him but not quite. Im not generally a cruel person but he is one person I’ve frequently thought the world would not miss.
If you can, move anywhere as soon as you can, a room in a house if that’s what you can afford now. Don’t worry about possessions you can’t easily take with you. Life is to short and it’s just stuff. Peace is worth more than any amount of stuff. Good luck for a brilliant future. You have no ties with him. Presume you are doing online no fault divorce?

I have secured a house! I can move in as soon as I’m able. Paid holding deposit. I’m going to do everything in my power to be in my new home with my children as soon as I can. I’ve started the online divorce process. I’m going to contact WA tonight.
Thank you all for taking the time to respond, your posts have spurred me on today.

I cannot wait for peace and calm.

Oh what terrific news! Well done woman!
onwards and upwards ….