Surviving a narcissist - please help

[sapphirenight]

Name changed. A bit of background - 4 children between us, none together. We are married but separated 4 weeks ago and still living in same house. I am desperately looking for a home to rent for me and my children. We rent currently so no house to sell etc.

I have no idea how I let this happen, but due to therapy (ongoing) I can clearly see that I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship with this person for years. It’s only the last 12 months that things have really escalated, and I am seeing the true person.

He is controlling and coercive and with hindsight, I can see this has been present throughout the relationship at a lower, less frequent level of abuse.

Since separation, he is constantly messaging me when at work - long, long messages. Demanding answers about my whereabouts, who I’m in contact with and why. Threatening to turn up at my workplace if I don’t reply to the messages so he can speak to me in person. I have been staying at various friends houses when my children are with their dad and he doesn’t like the fact that he doesn’t know where I am/what I’m doing. Believes I should tell him.

I’ve been locked out of my home. Told I’m mentally ill. My family and friends have been contacted about his ‘concern for me’. He says he still loves me and cares about me and hopes I get the help I need. I’m also an alcoholic (I’m not). He still tries to have sex with me. Sometimes I’ve done it to just keep the peace whilst biding my time until I can get out. He calls me names (lying slag amongst others) and says he’s trying not to despise me but I make it hard for him. His narrative is very much that he is the victim in all this, and it’s because of my actions that we have split up. Just to note, it was him that called it a day after I went on a rare night out with friends and got home later than anticipated.

Is this narcissistic abuse? My head is such a mess and I wonder sometimes if everything he’s saying about me is true. I feel like I’m going crazy.

In addition to the above, threats have been made that he will ruin me should I disrespect him. He thinks I’ve been seeing someone - I haven’t. I have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship with anyone other than myself, whilst doing the absolute best for my children. This is how it will be until my children are adults living their own lives. I just want peace and calm.

How do I navigate these next few weeks?? I feel exhausted and absolutely lost. Is this my fault? Am I a bad person? Please be gentle with me. Any advice, practical or otherwise, would be really appreciated.

Great news! Well done, you’ve got this! Your life will be so much better without him.

That’s excellent news. Well done to you. Please keep up with WA and get a water tight safety plan in place as each step you take will enrage him further and his behaviours will likely escalate. Make sure you have a ring doorbell and a dash cam on your car. Alert your colleagues, neighbours and family that you are under threat and cut out all communication with him except on a new email address about the divorce that you will read once a week after a friend has filtered. Let him know this and block him everywhere. Expect a health scare (him or a family member of his) or another manufactured incident to get your attention and draw you in. Don’t feel any obligation to fall for it - even if it’s real. Classic is threatening suizide - if he does this call the police for a welfare check - pass it over to the professionals to smoke him out. Be careful he doesn’t manipulate your DCs or use his to manipulate you or yours.

Well done. But please keep safe and on high alert for a significant amount of time.

All very good practical advice.

Read or listen to book ‘it’s not you’ by dr ramani and look at influencer @lalalaletmeexplainrecent
insta post and ok mag column which advises on this exact topic she is qualified to give advice btw

I had the misfortune to have a parent who did everything you describe plus everything the OP describes. He was also financially abusive and violent. What a prize. I would assume that what op has told us is the tip of the iceberg and these behaviours may well be present but she may not be in a place to understand that yet.

I not long ago had a conversation with my mother in which she said 'your father was really good at x.' I asked her how she knew that, given that there was absolutely no evidence of it. He claimed to have a genius creative talent but never produced anything. Imagine someone who says they are brilliant at writing songs but never writes any and says they can't because other people don't support them. My mother said 'well because he always said he was good at it.' She couldn't get her head round it when I told her he lied. So 25+ years post divorce my mother still believes the bollocks and can't see the truth.

A massive thank you for all your responses. You are correct in that each step I take to break away is enraging him further. I’ve had tears and begging. Then complete change to name calling and pure anger. Today- nothing. Just silence and already dreading going home.
@Connemaraa, great advice and practical steps for me to take, thank you. I’m hoping to get the keys for my new house next week. My children will be staying with their dad and I have a room at a friend’s house until I can move.

You can't defeat a narcissist. Google Grey Rocking. It makes a huge difference and genuinely confuses them. Fun fact.. using the word Indifferent will result in some of the most interesting facial expressions you will ever witness. Best of luck 🍀

Please keep yourself safe. The risk of murder to women is escalated from partners is at the point of leaving for up to two years.

Read up on coercive control, harassment and stalking - all of which are crimes and can escalate in to physical violence. I would guess he has already committed crimes. If you ask someone to stop contacting you and they persist more than two more times that meets the threshold for stalking and the police will take this seriously.

Please totally detach and instruct him that there is one route of contact only (new email, divorce content only that will be screened by someone else first) and you will report him for stalking if he doesn’t comply.

You need to take yourself out of punching distance as his only aim in life now is to punish you. You need to cut him out so that you can rebuild your emotional capacity for your DCs. There is no time, emotional energy, headspace to allocate to his games.

Don’t underestimate the damage he will have done to you and your DCs and prioritise all of your healing. Might well need professional support - also normal rules don’t apply when dealing with these types. He’s damaged, dangerous and out to destroy you emotionally, financially, socially or physically. Know that and batten down the hatches.