Starting a customer facing job, worried my estranged family will ruin it.

[DublinFerry]

I’ve been estranged from my family for a very long time. They are extremely toxic - coercively controlling, manipulative, devious, emotionally abusive - they lie as easily as they breathe and have smeared my name all over town, they also have stalked me and harassed me in the past.

I am due to start a customer facing job imminently, and I’m terrified they are going to come in and screw it up for me- either through humiliation or with the lies they have been spreading about me or to try and make me feel uncomfortable or like I’m the unreasonable one.

These people present very well. They are very charming and “together” on the surface, but they are very manipulative and devious. They like to treat me as “less than” and do everything in their power to make me feel that way. It’s taken a lot of strength to overcome the damage they have done to me.

How do I deal with them if they come into my place of work? I don’t want to pre-warn my manager as I don’t want him knowing my family are a liability, it also might drop seeds in his head that there is something about me to be concerned about - when there isn’t. It’s not my fault I’m related to these crazy, nasty people. The place I have my job is a place I know they visit from time to time.

Can anyone advise me how to deal with this if they do come in?

Thank you.

If you are estranged, how would they know where you are working?

Because I live in a very small town and they have stalked me in the past, and because it’s customer facing so someone they know might see me.

I should add - they live in the same small town as me.

I think that you might want to reconsider prewarning the manager as that is your chance to get your story across in a controlled way. Also, if you name the likely lies, this will make him more likely to believe you. Perhaps you can have a security plan if they escalate their behaviour.
Are there enough staff in the shop that you could ask someone else to serve them?

I would just build your reputation before they come in. Show you are reliable, hard working and completely honest. Then when they come in you can say if need be, my family are extremely difficult so I distance myself.

I agree you should warn your employer.

Warm your employer. Suggest agreeing an innocuous code sentence that means they are in the vicinity.

Stalking is a crime. Have you reported them to the police? Tried to get an injunction or whatever they're called to stop them coming near you.

I didn't mean to sound preachy - just trying to read the legal landscape.

Sympathy, OP. Yes, say something to get ahead of it with your manager.

"Just to give you a heads up since I'm customer-facing... I have a slightly bonkers family member who likes to turn up and, ahem, share their feeling about whatever job I'm doing. They're not local so I'm not expecting it to be frequent or a problem for the business, but just letting you know just in case they start acting weirdly."

Keeping it non-specific and gender-neutral means you can cover you whole family without making it sound like it's your whole family (which as you say may plant a seed).

If you do get more than one person visiting, you can roll your eyes and say, "It's not cousin Steve's fault really. To be honest, they're all a bit scared of the bonkers one and it's easier for Steve to go along than to catch it himself. I do feel sorry for them, but... <shrug>"

I’ve reported some of their behaviour. A lot of it they do in a way that there is plausible deniability. But the smirk on their face as they do it tells a different story.

I wouldn't be warning anyone. Just do your job really well.

This pretty much sums it up actually. There is one ringleader and the others follow suit for a quiet life.

Sorry, don't know how I decided they weren't local. 1/10 for reading comprehension for me!

This

If there are issues, call the police

Warn your employer if it is a small town its just as likely he knows more than you think.

Lots of business managers will still use their friendship networks to check out employees as part of the job offer.

I would just open with some of the family being dramalama and if it Ok can you tell them as you are at work and you are not allowed to socialise or serve them as part of your job but your manager should be able to help them.

Every family has drama just remember you were picked as the best person for the job.

I know you're the victim in this and shouldn't have to leave but honestly, this would make me think twice about living in a small town.

They will have this hold on you forever while you live there too. No-one should have that power, you should be excited about a new job, not dreading how your crazy family might screw it up for you.

How to deal with this... It very much depends on what they are likely to do IF they come in. Are they going to try and make a scene? Call security. Are they going to drop in for a polite chat? Then smile and wave. "Hi mum, long time no see. Can't talk, busy". Then get on with the job.
I wouldn't pre warn the manager unless you expect serious trouble.

I know. I hate every minute of living here because of them, but am tied here because of my DC.

It spoils everything and takes the shine off everything that should be nice.

I envy people with normal extended families. I should be able to live, work and do things with the freedom other people have, but they won’t let me. They sabotage things. NC means nothing with psychos like my relatives.

They are a mix. Some are very image conscious and are more likely to spout the lies to make me look bad and them look good, others are the type to make a scene.

I don’t know what words to use if they come at me like that IYSWIM. If they come in and immediately shout the odds or start manipulating, what do I say?

Either you be up front and say you're estranged from your family due to abusive behavior and harassment on their side, so if they do come into the workplace you would be unwilling to serve them. For your own safety.

Or, wait and hope they don't come in and cause a scene. If they do you'll have to explain it to your boss anyway just so they can either be barred or you can be excused from being near them.

Oh dear is Jo high as a kite again?

The sort of thing my bonkers family member would do is turn up, all smiles and friendliness and butter-wouldn't-melt, and say loudly in front of my colleagues, "Oh I'm SO glad you were able to find work again, after what happened."

And when the colleagues looked askance at them, follow it up with: "Oh no, it wasn't really DublinFerry's fault. And anyway, nothing was proved."

Nothing you can do about it, after all they're just being nice!

If @DublinFerry 's family are anything like that, it's well worth getting out in front of it and establishing yourself as the mature, reliable one who just eye-rolls at the crazy. (Not taking the bait in the moment is easier said than done of course...)

I would just repeat incredibly calmly “Is there anything related to [shop] that I can help you with today”? But I think you have to find a script that works for you.

Huh??