Starting a customer facing job, worried my estranged family will ruin it.

[DublinFerry]

I’ve been estranged from my family for a very long time. They are extremely toxic - coercively controlling, manipulative, devious, emotionally abusive - they lie as easily as they breathe and have smeared my name all over town, they also have stalked me and harassed me in the past.

I am due to start a customer facing job imminently, and I’m terrified they are going to come in and screw it up for me- either through humiliation or with the lies they have been spreading about me or to try and make me feel uncomfortable or like I’m the unreasonable one.

These people present very well. They are very charming and “together” on the surface, but they are very manipulative and devious. They like to treat me as “less than” and do everything in their power to make me feel that way. It’s taken a lot of strength to overcome the damage they have done to me.

How do I deal with them if they come into my place of work? I don’t want to pre-warn my manager as I don’t want him knowing my family are a liability, it also might drop seeds in his head that there is something about me to be concerned about - when there isn’t. It’s not my fault I’m related to these crazy, nasty people. The place I have my job is a place I know they visit from time to time.

Can anyone advise me how to deal with this if they do come in?

Thank you.

I think basically, I would treat them as any other crazy person from the street. Either pretend you don't know them or roll your eyes and make a joke about them being high. Or whatever
Basically, what you mustn't do it show them that you care. Lough it off, or give them a massive smile and a hug... Destabilise them with unpredictability of your response.

This is exactly the sort of thing the smearing/image conscious ones would say. This is the style. They drop seeds of lies and let them grow in the other persons head.

Then it would be a good idea to preempt the lies

I understand now. I was wondering who Jo was! 😂

Yes I think you are right, they want a reaction and I’ve got to try not to give them one.

I also am in a public-facing role. I understand your worries.
Speak to your boss - forewarned is forearmed as they say.
I got our IT department to block their phone number and email so they couldn't contact me (both are public facing on the website). Also security knew so they wouldn't have got in the building.
I'm not sure if you can do anything like this, but you're essentially writing a safety plan so you can do your job without harassment.

Play their game first
They come in.
You express fear that drink or drugs are in play.

Any comments or drama is due to substance abuse

You can be public and firm.
[(Edit) gurr Say you] you say to Jo you cant deal with Jo while he is like this

You have an opening to have your manager or security if any deal with them and you step off into a staff only area if needed

I wouldn't take a customer service job in a small area where several problematic people live including those who stalked me and I would move away, thr DC will have to lump it my happiness and wellbeing is paramount because if I'm good the whole family is good. In your shoes I would prewarn the manager.

I have no real advice op but I know what you are feeling as my family are the same and unless you have been raised in this dynamic you will not understand the fear and anxiety coming across a toxic relative induces. I could barely see my stepfather in his nursing home prior to his death as the crippling anxiety at the thoughts of bumping into one of my family members brought me out in panic attacks.

I think too you will have to raise it with your boss just so if one of them do come in you can say that you cannot deal with that specific customer and maybe go t a different department or somewhere while they are in your workplace. If they are anything like my mother they will try insert themselves any which way possible to undermine you. It is a horrible feeling always being on guard so my empathies.

I would definitely give your boss the heads up. Your situation is not unique, sadly, and if the boss doesn't understand that problem, they won't understand the drama should it happen.
Hold your head high!

This.

I would pre warn your manager re them.

I would also look into moving away going forward; you need physical as well as mental distance between you all.

Your DC are no reason or basis for you to remain in the same town as them and it is also because of them that moving away should be considered. They will go onto scapegoat them and mistreat them in not too dissimilar ways too. If your DC do not already know what they are like give them age appropriate truth re your parents and wider family.

To the people who say move away - our whole life is here and our DC are in high school in critical years so there is no way of moving.

The family members are not reasonable at all. Even if we ripped ourselves away from here they have hired private investigators to follow us in the past and with the world online they would hunt us down in any which way they could. They have used our contacts in the past to track our movements. Most of them are retired with too much time on their hands, they would just ruin our lives from a distance. There is no escape from them, they do not behave like a normal, reasonable person would.

With a name like like Dublin Ferry l am guessing you are lrish. If you are you can be assured your boss being a business man in a small town knows your family. He will be aware of what type they are. He has still hired you. So trust that everything will be OK. Do your job well. Build favour with your boss and hopefully he will stick by you if any unpleasant scenes happen.

@junebirthdaygirl
Yes I am.
Thank you. I think I will do this and hope for the best.

OP, I was going to say the same as Boggpeat. Work hard and make yourself “indispensable” (no such thing, haha) and perhaps introduce the subject in a casual conversation later on. No need to bring drama as soon as you arrive. By the way, I completely understand. Good luck.

@ClaredeBear I think this is the approach I will take, thank you for the good luck wishes.