Downsizing after divorce

[Angelstrawberry]

Just looking for any (hopefully!) positive experiences!

My exDH and I split up a couple of years ago. I am currently living in the family home and exDH lives in a rented house in the same town. ExDH and I share custody of our teen dc, it's around 70/30 split (me 70 him 30)

We're going to have to sell the family home this summer. I won't be able to afford to buy anywhere in our current town, so I'm going to have to move somewhere around 45 minutes away. At the moment we're in a lovely spacious home with a nice garden. The next place I buy will probably be a small flat, with no garden in a not very nice area.

I know I am lucky to be able to afford to buy anywhere at all.
But I'm worried about the dc. They are 13, 16 and 17. They love the space we have in our house, and having friends over. They love the town we live in.

I'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar position eg having to downsize to a much smaller property with dc, and if you have done this, how did it go? Did the dc adapt or did they really miss their old house and town?

The youngest will still go to the same school when I move, one will be going to sixth form college and the eldest is starting an apprenticeship.

Would be great to hear of any experiences or advice for this situation!

I think you're right to have concerns about the impact this will have on your DC at their ages.
Has your divorce and financial settlement gone through? Is your existing property bigger than the flat you would be buying? If you rented would you be able to afford anything bigger?

I suppose I'm just saying is there any way round it, which isn't what you asked! Sorry. When I divorced I moved out of the family home and luckily was able to buy a similar sized property, and I do think it makes a big difference to how your children cope with the change.

@YourFairCyanReader thanks for your reply.

Did you feel that having enough space was very important for your dc? And staying in the same area?

When I sell our family home, I will have 50% of the equity and my ex will have 50%. We are then going to split our savings.

I can only get a small mortgage as I'm on minimum wage. So basically I have worked out that I will only be able to buy a small flat.

I could rent, but I'm not sure if that's financially viable. If I put my lump sum from the equity into savings I would then pay tax on the interest. Also I guess if house prices go up then I want to buy somewhere in a few years time, I would end up with even less for my money.

I did think about maybe looking into a shared ownership scheme.

I don't really know what would be best!

Why is the equity being split 50/50?

That’s my question too. If you’re having the kids more, and your H is earning more than minimum wage, and especially if you’ve sacrificed your career to prioritise the kids, you need more than 50%.

@freudenschaude my ex and I came to that agreement ourselves. We haven't had lawyers. It is a bit tense between us sometimes but I'm really trying to keep it amicable for the dc.

Basically he was the breadwinner whilst I was a SAHM for our dc, two of whom have SEN. I then only worked part time when the dc were at school, and minimum wage jobs.

my ex and I have agreed to split the equity of the house, our savings and pensions (all of which are fairly minimal.)

My ex used to be a high earner but a few years ago he was signed off work though stress and hasn't worked since. I think realistically it's unlikely that he will work much again, and definitely not at the level he was at before.

So I think we both thought 50/50 was fair. The only thing is that in a few years time my ex is planning to move away to another county as he feels he will get more for his money there. It's going to be a six hour drive from here. So I'm really not sure how often he will see the dc, but at that point all but the youngest will be over 18 so I guess they will be able to decide themselves.

Have you had a Financial Order done? I would say a judge would not sign this off if you haven’t as it seems v unfair to you and your children. You don’t have to have lawyers, you can use mediation?

Are you actually divorced yet?
Sorry - again I know this isn't why you posted- but you do need to seriously think about getting a fair financial settlement. It's 5 years until your youngest is 18 - at least for that period you should do all you can to be in a decent sized home in the town where you live. It isn't about antagonising your ex, it's about providing the best home you can given that they're with you 70% of the time.
I would honestly see a solicitor.

@Strictlyfan74 No we haven't had a financial order done.

I'm honestly interested why this might be very unfair to me and the dc? I just thought, neither he nor I can earn much money going forward, so 50/50 seemed fair. That's what my ex thinks as well. I mean to be fair, he did earn the majority of the money in the relationship. I know I worked hard as a SAHM and then in my past time jobs too, we both worked hard.

He's going to be moving away when the dc will be around 16, 19 and 20, so I wouldn't have thought that a judge would take the dc into account at that point?

Now I'm thinking about it though - I think if my ex does go ahead with his plan to move away, my dc will be living with me a lot more. I think they will all probably be living with me until their 20s given the current state of property prices! So that will be more expensive for me. And I will need a bigger place for us all, whereas if the dc are only going to visit him occasionally he really wouldn't need such a big place.

I think partly I haven't wanted to create animosity between my ex and I. At the moment things are reasonably amicable. I think he'd go mad if I tried to get more than 50/50. But maybe I should look into it.

@YourFairCyanReader no we're not divorced yet. We were going to do it all at the same time as settling the house and splitting the finances.

No honestly, thank you, that's really helpful for me to think about getting a fair financial settlement! I think I have been so focussed on just trying to find somewhere and work with 50% of the finances that I didn't even think much about trying to get more from the settlement. But what you said here "It isn't about antagonising your ex, it's about providing the best home you can given that they're with you 70% of the time." is really helpful. The priority is the stability and the quality of life for the children, not just how my ex feels about it.

You need to get legal advice before you agree to anything with your ex. If the dc are staying with you 70% of the time you may well be entitled to more than 50% of the equity.

I downsized to a small 2 bed house from a 4 bed detached when I divorced and it was doable but we struggle for space if the dc want friends round and that has got worse as they have got older.

@Angelstrawberry this is just throwing ideas out but could you buy time? By that I mean ask to stay put for a few more years until your children are older? They have been through a lot of upheaval and are at quite pivotal ages. Most children stay at home longer now (into twenties) and if your ex is planning to leave the country then where are they going?
You are soon going to have issues if you are all in a flat cramped and away from their friends.
It’s an option maybe?

That was what I was going to suggest, given DC are still in school and you’d need to move away.

If you and your ex both intend to house the dc when they are with you and have similar housing needs and mortgage capacity then maybe it’s fair. If the plan is dc will live with you and your mortgage capacity is lower then it’s less fair. If your dc Sen mean they won’t be able to live independently at 18 and will need to live with you into adulthood the court is obligated to take that into account. It’s not just about what’s fair between you and your ex its about whether the children’s housing needs can be met by at least one but preferably both parents. You need legal advice. Also if he can build up a pension and you will continue to be a carer and low income that needs taking into account. 4 people in one flat - 2 with Sen doesn’t sound like a good outcome.

You need a solicitor OP! You’re entitled to more than 50% of the equity, you have sacrificed your career for your husband’s. My friend just got divorced with a 70/30 split in her favour.

You need some legal advice on the kind of split that could be reasonable in your circumstances. It may well be more than 50:50.

Thanks for the idea. To be honest I would love to stay where we are, in the family house, but the mortgage and bills are just getting too expensive. I just can't see how it would be doable as the only way I'm affording it now is by using savings to top up my income for all the bills etc, and the savings are now running out. So I will need to sell the house this year.

My ex is planning to stay in the country (we're in the UK) but he's moving around 6 hours away (that's another thread but I just can't understand why he'd want to move so far away from the dc, they are still going to need us as young adults, (especially the two with SEN) and they will have to trek up and down the country to see both me and him).

I'm guessing the dc will want to mainly live with me until their twenties, and yes that's my exact worry, if I can only afford a small flat, it's going to be very cramped.

Thank you everyone for all the advice - it's really helpful! Honestly, I hadn't even considered getting legal advice about this, I was just trying to do it amicably between me and my ex. But my priority in all this is the dc and I want to provide them with as much stability as possible.

I don't think my ex is going to work much in the future. And I am on minimum wage, so both of us have limited earning potential. If the dc are going to be with mainly me for the foreseeable future, that does make sense that I would maybe need more equity to buy somewhere bigger. I can imagine my ex saying "but what about in 5 - 10 years time when they all move out, you'd have a bigger, more expensive property than I would, that wouldn't be fair" !?! Goodness knows how it would all be worked out, I think that's why it would be good to see a solicitor!

You absolutely need legal advice. Don't undervalue yourself in your role as a SAHM, you doing that enabled him to go out to work and earn the money! I think you should get more than 50-50 split.

My friend was a SAHM and got 75% to be able to accommodate the two DC albeit they were younger at the time. Good luck. You have to think of yourself and the DC here not your ex. He will be thinking of himself!

@Channellingsophistication Thank you. I can't help feeling guilty about this towards my ex - and I know he's going to get really angry when i tell him. But I know that if a 50/50 split meant that I would be able to buy a modest 3 bed property with a reasonable amount of space - I wouldn't be asking for anything more! It's just that 50% of the equity and assets I would receive would not be able to buy that!

And yes definitely, I need to start prioritising the dc and myself. It was a pattern in my marriage that I didn't prioritise myself so I think that's probably why I'm finding it hard!

Are you claiming everything you're entitled to, UC etc, referral to a food bank. DLA for your children??

Do either of you gave a pension also?

@herbetta no I don't claim any of that. I wasn't sure if I'd be entitled to UC if I had my own property? But that's another thing I need to go, go to Citizens Advice and see if I can find out if I would be able to claim anything.

Ex dh and I each have a small pension (his is higher than mine as he was working more) and we had said that we would split the pensions 50/50 each, as with everything else

I'm in a similar situation and honestly, you need to see a solicitor. I earn well. But ex earns over 30k more, has kids 15% of the time and they're both SEN, a bit younger, but we came to an agreement for me to have 70% of the equity because I need to buy somewhere for them long term. He is co habiting but obviously has more mortgage potential, I have to work part time to be around for my daughter. He wasn't happy, it's been a horrible 8 months trying to sort it, but it's been signed...now just waiting for a judge to hopefully sign it off. Doesn't matter that he earnt the money. You both were in a partnership and your part in that was raising his children, just as valid.

I'm also downsizing but I would never have walked away with only enough to buy a flat, it would have been very unfair if he then had the mortgage potential and equity to buy a massive house for them only to stay every other weekend.

And I get UC, because of the eldests entitlement to DLA. It really helps and meant I could drop to 4 days a week which got us through a tough patch when she stopped going to school at 14.
Do a manual calculation, Facebook groups will help you, ignore the gov calculator, It told me I wouldn't get anything. I owns house, if you live in it it doesn't matter, you just won't get help towards the mortgage.

I echo what everyone else says. Get a solicitor who will advocate for what you and your DC need to live a comfortable life, think of them before your ex. And absolutely claim UC if you can. Some mortgage companies include this in your income when calculating what you can borrow.