Downsizing after divorce

[Angelstrawberry]

Just looking for any (hopefully!) positive experiences!

My exDH and I split up a couple of years ago. I am currently living in the family home and exDH lives in a rented house in the same town. ExDH and I share custody of our teen dc, it's around 70/30 split (me 70 him 30)

We're going to have to sell the family home this summer. I won't be able to afford to buy anywhere in our current town, so I'm going to have to move somewhere around 45 minutes away. At the moment we're in a lovely spacious home with a nice garden. The next place I buy will probably be a small flat, with no garden in a not very nice area.

I know I am lucky to be able to afford to buy anywhere at all.
But I'm worried about the dc. They are 13, 16 and 17. They love the space we have in our house, and having friends over. They love the town we live in.

I'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar position eg having to downsize to a much smaller property with dc, and if you have done this, how did it go? Did the dc adapt or did they really miss their old house and town?

The youngest will still go to the same school when I move, one will be going to sixth form college and the eldest is starting an apprenticeship.

Would be great to hear of any experiences or advice for this situation!

Have a check on the turntous calculator NOW! If you have children and are on a low wage, you will most likely be entitled to some UC! Are you getting your 25% off council tax? You may also be entitled to further council tax benefit too.

Submit a claim ASAP (it might be able to be backdated). Also nake an appointment with CAB to ensure you are getting everything you are entitled to, including utilities social tariffs and a food bank referral.

How much savings do you have? This may affect some things.

Do you ckaim DLA for the children?

Family Justice Council - Sorting out Finances on Divorce 2024 FAQs page 11

one partner may have greater needs than the other and be less able to meet those needs alone, for example, if he or she is looking after the couple’s children and cannot work full-time. In those situations, the court would not just divide the money 50/50. In those cases, one partner may receive more than half of the assets to ensure that his or her needs and the needs of the children are met.
Needs of the children are the first and primary consideration-speak to a solicitor and ask for Form E for a full and frank fiancial disclosure, this way you will see the value of his pension(s) etc. You cannot be expected to make such a life-altering decision without all the information to discuss with a solicitor

https://www.judiciary.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/06/1.-Sorting-Out-Finances-on-Divorce-2024.final-for-publication.pdf

In these circumstances, you just cannot DIY with the finance. You need to consider the dc. Obviously your ex isn’t thinking about them by planning to move so far away. You will of course need to sell this house but you need something better than your plan.

As Ex isn’t working, you are not likely to get 75%. He has needs too. However you should expect more than 50%. Id also not expect an ongoing interest in this house as that’s not a clean break divorce. Most are these days - for good reason. So negotiate hard now.

Everyone seems to be missing the point that the ex doesn’t work and hasn’t done for years (for medical reasons) for years. I wouldn’t waste time or money on a solicitor when he can probably quite easily demonstrate that whilst he used to be a higher earner than you he is now unable to work. You could argue that he has more needs than you as you are able to work. Take the 50% and move on

Thank you everyone for all the advice. I'm currently looking into what I am entitled to re any benefits, discounts etc

Yes, I was wondering about this. My ex has made it clear that he doesn't want to work any more. I honestly don't know if he is able to or not. He never enjoyed working and always wanted a life where he could just potter around and relax. And he was diagnosed with a mental health breakdown and signed off work a few years ago.

I think to be honest he could do some sort of work but just not at the level he was at. I'm only on minimum wage so I'm sure he could do something similar. He has very high professional qualifications so I think he could do something with them if he wanted to. But I have no idea how I could prove that he was capable of working.

Capable of working? He may well be but you won't be able to prove it and he's highly unlikely to do so until he's safely divorced.

I’m going to answer your original question. I left the family home which was a big, detached, massive garden, five bed “dream home”. And to be quite honest, I’ve never felt so free. I have managed to buy a place which has enough bedrooms for us. But there’s no spare space. If I have someone to stay, one of the kids has to sleep in with me 😂 but there is a lot to be said for a smaller place with less cleaning, easier bills, etc. With your kids ready to move onto sixth form provision it might also be worth looking further afield. Particularly if you’re soon to be ex-husband is gonna disappear into the sunset at some point.

(As a sidenote, if your ex doesn’t work and isn’t going to work I might be inclined to take the 50% (having checked that his pension genuinely isn’t any bigger than yours) and get a clean break financial agreement. What you don’t want is his circumstances deteriorating and him coming back to you for money after a period of time. You do need a financial order or either one of you can open it at any point, divorced or not.)

Try to get a free half hour slot with a solicitor. That's not at all fair. You are still going to need space for 3 people. He only needs one. Don't let your fear of him getting angry mean that he can covertly bully you into agreeing an unfair arrangement. Even id you have to pay for a solicitor it will be worth it in the long run. It will be very hard for you to get a house if you have already got a flat.

I do agree with being careful given your is no longer working. Your kids are older so they may suggest your future earning potential is higher as he cannot work at all. Would he be willing to wait a few years to allow the DC to remain in the family home? Can you start looking for a better paid role? I know easier said than done, but will be helpful.

Prompted to put my oar in to say a close friend was on a similar situation a few years ago, 3 teens and, like you, splitting value of family home. She did end up going for shared ownership after months of hunting for anything affordable. She compromised a bit on location but it worked out well. She ended up with a house not a flat and some garden rather than none.

Good luck, I hope you find somewhere you can all really feel at home.

He is moving away because he doesn’t give a fuck about his children. He will probably discover that he can go back to work and resume being a high earner when he has shed sll his family responsibilities. Get legal advice.

(As a sidenote, if your ex doesn’t work and isn’t going to work I might be inclined to take the 50% (having checked that his pension genuinely isn’t any bigger than yours) and get a clean break financial agreement. What you don’t want is his circumstances deteriorating and him coming back to you for money after a period of time. You do need a financial order or either one of you can open it at any point, divorced or not.)

This would be my main concern too. And would he want spousal support from OP.

All in all I think shared ownership would be a good option if you can’t stay in your present home for a few more years.

There are huge numbers of cases where women are expected to work post divorce. Most divorces are now clean break. He would have to live off benefits. A solicitor would advise on this but earning capacity could be assessed and it’s reasonable he works. As many women do!

OP says he has health issues and judging from a case in my wider family he’ll barely be asked to prove that and as that inhibits his future earning it could go his way. Seems very wrong but I’ve seen it happen.

@OneOfEachPlease Not necessarily if there’s a barrister working for op. Claims like that are tested. One party cs not just refuse to work without assessment.

Doesn’t everyone want to potter around and relax instead of working but we all have bills to pay. He still has responsibilities for your kids.

The primary concern of the courts when dividing assets is the housing needs of the kids. You can’t have four people in a tiny flat the kids need to be adequately housed. EXH might not be able to go back to his old job but presumably he can do something. Also many work places are much better in not burning their staff out and making accommodations for people with mental health issues.

I think he would have legal counsel as well, don't you?

I can only tell you my experience. And my experience is that the lawyers (who aren’t barristers) argue it out in front of a judge. And if someone’s been on long-term sick or retired on sickness or has been not working for a long time and has any sort of benefits on health grounds linked to that then that is taken into account as a fact. It doesn’t sound like the OP and her ex-husband are very wealthy, that’s not an insult at all, but the average person is not affording a barrister.