Real life v sex life

[Fatrascal27]

I am in my 50s. I love my husband and he’s a good man and father but we haven’t had sex in a long time. This has been difficult as you might imagine. The issue is me. I have realised that I cant reconcile the daily grind of life and maintain sexual desire.

i think I’ve always been like this. Sex for me is the best when it’s new and exciting. When daily life creeps in, I lose desire. I just find it hard to be attracted to the man you see taking the bins out or whose pants you pick up off the floor.

i have been reading alot about sexuality recently. Maybe i am aromantic? Are labels even important? Anyway it doesn’t help me now. I want to regain desire for my husband but have no idea how? I am pretty inhibited and tbh even having a conversation about this will be hard for me. But I am getting old, I don’t want to remain in a sexless state. I also don’t want to blow up my marriage.

Where do I start? I have been reading alot but sex toys and lingerie just are not me. Though I don’t even know what is me? I have completely lost sight of my sexual self.

one thing that’s interesting is that an old male friend came to stay last year. We’re close but both of us married and seldom see each other. We were chatting in the kitchen and physically got in each others way, it was a very charged moment. Neither of us acted on it but it felt so exciting. To feel that again is what I want.

If you go abroad on holiday, do any of those feelings come back?

Actually don’t know. We have t done very much as a couple in a long time. Never mind go on holiday without the kids. That is probably not helping.

Sounds like you need a nice weekend away from daily life. Enjoy some time together without oute getting in the way. No pressure, just get to know each other again outside of home.

Surely the issue is both of you?

Have you looked into physical reasons? Have you had bloods done? Are you on HRT? I started testosterone around 8 months ago and my libido recently has shot through the roof.

You definitely need to be in the right frame of mind for sex
if you love your husband, perhaps think of all the things you love and value in him
spend some nice time together, going out for lunch or dinner without chores
and then you could find things that turn you on and think of those to get yourself in the mood. Newness obviously won’t last with anyone, so if you have a good life with your husband, love and value him, perhaps begin to think about sex differently.

Does he want to have sex again?

I’m similar but for me it also includes how I feel about my own body. I’m a 16 rather than a 12 and it matters.

OP can you get time to yourself to rediscover what lights your fire?
The weekend away thing adds pressure IMO. I’m optimistic that when DC are grown and out more I might start to get ‘feelings’ again!

Sorry, OP. Not very helpful, but hopefully knowing it’s not just you might help.

Thanks. I assuming he does want sex but maybe he doesn’t, after me rejecting him for so long.

I am on hrt and it has helped. I do feel more inclined to want sex now. I just want to have sex with DH and I just can’t find a way back to desiring him at the moment.

I know you said you’re not interested in toys but I wasn’t either for a long time just didn’t do anything for me. Found the right one and it actually really helped me want sex and actually feel something. Also you need to feel hot and sexy just for you find what makes you feel good. Mine is (I know you not interested) but nice lingerie

You need time to date. Just the tel of you. No kids. Rekindle it, make it exciting!

Do you find yourself attractive?

What’s your problem with sex toys? Lots of people find them very helpful and it could kick-start your desire. It certainly did for me. If you’ve never used them, why not give something a try? What’s to lose?
Be bold and have the conversation with your husband and see where it goes.
If you want the current situation to change, you need to take some sort of action

I think you should talk to your dh, ask (with no judgment) how he feels about regaining your sex lif would it be something he would like to do. Discuss ways you could build intimacy again, going on dates, weekends away, romantic gestures. It might be helpful for you to get a vibrator, if you can have some solo orgasams it might help you see yourself as a sexual person again.

I find DH sexiest when he's doing domestic things tbh. I see him doing things for me and DD and if I take a beat to see beyond the fact it's just the "daily grind" of vacuuming or putting up shelves etc. I see a man who loves us more than the "fun" he could be having as a (still very handsome) man with no responsibility who wouldn't have to be bathing the dog or making packed lunches for everyone.

Reframe your thinking of what the daily grind actually means.

Thanks all. Some good ideas. We need to communicate firstly I guess.

Have you read Esther Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity. It’s all about this. She is brilliant! She also does podcasts about various relationship/sex issues, but this book is about just what you’re describing

I think this is a common situation.
I felt much the same with both my husbands.
I said to the second one at the outset that if I had to act like his mum (ie cooking, cleaning, mental load) I would end up not wanting to shag him because who wants to have sex with a son?

I have been the DH in your situation. I was desperately sad we’d lost our way . I didn’t post on here but I did read and listen and take the good advice given and put my big boy pants on and had the difficult conversation.

We have massively turned things around and in our early 50’s with two primary children are possibly the best we’ve ever been in and out of the bedroom.

Esther Perel is amazing and mating in captivity is excellent. I / we started with Emiily Nagoski. Come As You Are which helped us understand desire and to get my DW out of her head and present in the moment.

It’s good you have recognised it and it is so worth the effort as it does Just improves all aspects of life and if your both on the same page then you can do it.

Did your GP prescribe this? I'm in the same boat as OP. I think mine is menopause related though as I'm mid 50s. I can't take HRT but think testosterone would help.

I was your DH in my marriage, lots of rejection- ultimately we we became housemates and subsequently separated.

Personally I would say forget about sex for now and go back to touching, touch his arm , hold his hand, touch his back- reinforcing touch is so important- make sure you cuddle in bed and rest will fall into place-
but after lots of rejection- you might need to be the one to initiate sex

I think this is a very common experience for women and then men actually find it easier to sustain long term desire, despite the societal perception that they're much more like to have affairs etc.

I too think this is incredibly common.

What's less common however is a) the insight and self-awareness and b) the honesty that the OP has shown in owning it.

It's tempting and generally far easier to look around for other things to blame. Usually the husband.

Can I just say I appreciate the comments and I have been very mindfully trying to connect in small ways with DH. But I’m completely out of the habit and feel so awkward. Also I was lying in bed last night and he was lying next to me snoring his head off. That’s not conducive! How do people in long term relationships get past this?? How do you still find desire amongst the domestic grind of life?

OP, this podcast discusses what you describe about desire (or lack of).

https://go.skimresources.com/?id=470X756&isjs=1&jv=15.9.1&sref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.mumsnet.com%2Ftalk%2Frelationships%2F5480430-wife-not-intrested-in-sex&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.dontbuyherflowers.com%2Fpodcast%2Fthe-dont-buy-her-flowers-podcast-ep-020%2F&xs=1&xtz=0&xuuid=abcdc9821f1864338b0a5b5a8df7c726&xjsf=other_click__contextmenu%20%5B-1%5D

It's from a different thread posted this week.

Pop your earphones in and have a listen.

Ps, I find it very sexy to see a man take the bins out... Providing I haven't had to tell him to! 😉