Real life v sex life

[Fatrascal27]

I am in my 50s. I love my husband and he’s a good man and father but we haven’t had sex in a long time. This has been difficult as you might imagine. The issue is me. I have realised that I cant reconcile the daily grind of life and maintain sexual desire.

i think I’ve always been like this. Sex for me is the best when it’s new and exciting. When daily life creeps in, I lose desire. I just find it hard to be attracted to the man you see taking the bins out or whose pants you pick up off the floor.

i have been reading alot about sexuality recently. Maybe i am aromantic? Are labels even important? Anyway it doesn’t help me now. I want to regain desire for my husband but have no idea how? I am pretty inhibited and tbh even having a conversation about this will be hard for me. But I am getting old, I don’t want to remain in a sexless state. I also don’t want to blow up my marriage.

Where do I start? I have been reading alot but sex toys and lingerie just are not me. Though I don’t even know what is me? I have completely lost sight of my sexual self.

one thing that’s interesting is that an old male friend came to stay last year. We’re close but both of us married and seldom see each other. We were chatting in the kitchen and physically got in each others way, it was a very charged moment. Neither of us acted on it but it felt so exciting. To feel that again is what I want.

Do you voice appreciation for each other in the ‘daily grind’? We’re also in our fifties but still fancy each other after thirty odd years. DH has always been really good about thanking me when I do little things and I try to do the same for him. Do you tell each other what you like and appreciate about each other? Do you have a laugh together? We tell each other funny things that have happened in our day or read out ridiculous things that we see in the news etc. We also find opportunities to touch each other - cuddling up on the sofa to watch something on tv or holding hands when we go out for a walk. It builds an ‘us against the world’ vibe that draws us together and builds desire.

It’s different than when we were in our twenties though. We no longer have sex on the stairs because we don’t want to wait thirty seconds more to get to the bedroom (pre-kids obvs!) and we’re not tearing each other’s clothes off every day. I think if this sort of intensity is the only thing that promotes desire in you, you need to adjust your expectations. Our minds and desires are not fixed and we can train them to some extent to think and respond differently. I’m very much an over thinker and can be easily turned off by DH doing something annoying like forgetting to put the bins out or leaving his gym kit everywhere again, but I actively don’t want to dwell on it because it affects other parts of our lives when I do. So instead I will say something like ‘I’ve very kindly put your gym kit in the wash’ whilst smiling and he will jump up and say ‘Oh so sorry, I didn’t mean for you to do it…I got distracted with x. Can I get you a cup of tea?’ He will give me a kiss and a hug and tell me I'm the best wife or something silly and it’s been an opportunity for a connection rather than driving a wedge. Don’t get me wrong, if he was taking me for granted I’d be having serious words but he isn’t and it cuts both ways. I don’t really see it as a daily grind, it’s just doing life together.

If we are in a bit of a dry spell, because it happens when you're ill, the kids aren't sleeping, work is manic and so on cos you're exhausted, I bring out "THOSE" PJ's. My normal PJ's are just... normal. And these aren't particularly sexy, they're just shorts rather than trousers but they are short shorts. DH knows when those come out it's either stupidly hot (UK, so unlikely) or sexy times are ahead. Daft, but works.

Or, just say it. "It's been a while hasn't it, what would help?".

Can’t you have separate bedrooms? We do and we still have plenty of sex. I think you need to see him as a person and try to get to know him again rather than the dad and husband who takes the bins out. Do you show emotional vulnerability to each other? Are you interested in what he has to say? Does he tell you how attractive you are? Could you start a conversation with him about your intimate relationship-which includes other things not just sex. If you don’t want to leave your marriage, you can carry on as you are or do something different-which may feel uncomfortable at first. But none of this matters unless you actually like each other and find things in each other you find attractive. And forget about only finding new relationships exciting-that’s unrealistic unless you want a series of friends with benefits/nothing wrong with that but it doesn’t appear to be why you want.

I am on hrt and it has helped. I do feel more inclined to want sex now. I just want to have sex with DH and I just can’t find a way back to desiring him at the moment

Start by having sex with yourself . Buy those sex toys but for solo use . Find out with turns you on , have fantasies in your head , have lots of orgasms .

Once you've done all that start dating your dh , dress up to go out as you would if dating , have conversations about anything other than the kids , the house , everyday stuff . Find out new things about each other , hold hands , kiss whilst your out in public . Fall in love all over again to get the spark back .
Once you've done that you might find that you want to take things further with him and start to have sex again . Build up to it , don't rush , explore each other .

It can be difficult. I don't live with my partner at the moment, but we spend half of each month together. What we have said to each other is that touch is very important. In our previous marriages we didn't touch and could go months without any physical intimacy. So now we have each other, we touch a lot. Just a hand on the leg, a hug, a hand hold. When he is working from home I kiss the top of his head when I bring him a cuppa.

But I would recommend sex toys. I can't orgasm any other way to be honest since the menopause, and he loves watching me play with it. It is now part of our sex life and I can't recommend them enough. My partner says they are a tag team now. The toy gets me ready for what follows.

If you feel awkward approaching it in an obvious way then how about a light-hearted text during the day?

Sometimes me and DH will text each other "early night tonight??" if we want to have sex. It's something to look forward to during the day and then means we both know to get everything sorted and get up to the bedroom a bit earlier!

Otherwise like you say, you end up knackered and falling asleep straight away.

With these things - and if you want to change them, which it sounds like you do - you just need to make a small effort.

I felt like this so vowed to never live with a man again, it keeps things fresh and things can be c more easily ended if it goes stale.

@Fatrascal27 I do think that having the difficult conversation with DH is easier than trying to make small changes. I initially did the same and for us it didn’t work.

Out of the difficult conversation came difficult answers. One of which was some of my behaviours that were contributing to dare I say it the ick snoring being one of them. This was also related to a few extra pounds I gained. So got back into being fitter and bought some new clothes and a nice aftershave .Which helped greatly. Booked a table in town and started to actually make time for us. DW listened to me and we met in the middle .

My point here is I’d hadn’t seen any of this and would have kept on making it worse if we hadn’t discussed it.

It does sound like you have some hang-ups around sex, have you though about seeing someone for your own mid set. Many people are able remain interested in sex despite the daily grind, it could be the way you are approaching things are waring you down more than they should. Speaking to someone may be able to help you develop ways to be happier in life. This may not work but it is worth trying.

I am in the same situation.
It's nothing to do with DH, really. He's fit, in shape, attractive, funny, doesn't leave his pants for me to pick up.
I just have no desire, not even for solo sex, I'm happy without.
I do think daily life is the cause though - small things make me stressed and fed up and sex is at the bottom of the list.

I just find it hard to be attracted to the man you see taking the bins out

I’m the opposite. I’d shag any man who offered to take my bins out!

How has this affected your marriage?

Agree a capable helpful man is a turn on but accept not everyone is the same. This is a bit of chicken and egg. Can you start having sex regularly? You say you want it so just crack on and the desire will return, when you link him to the feelings. Until then use your imagination and concentrate on the feelings.

If its someone new you would desire remember that guy would one day become the same guy putting the bins out snoring etc. I look at my wife every day and just think how beautiful she is i fancy her like crazy and would even if she was wearing a bin bag.

Why not suggest something different a night in a hotel a bit of roleplay where you could be sat in the bar he comes down to chat you up and you become completely different characters than real life get out of the comfort zone. If I was your husband after a while the rejection becomes tough to take so he will stop making a move you have to be brave and take that step to bring that exciting time back.