Please hold my hand and tell me the truth

[Misteeq121]

I (40F) lost my DH of 1.5 years just before Christmas. We were together 2 years, including the time we were married. I’ve been sorting through his estate and have therefore been going through his phone. I’ve just found the watsapp conversations between him and his ex. They were together about 12 years and officially finished in 2022 but started declining around 2017. They had a very fiery relationship, particularly the last few years.

Anyway, going through his phone I’ve seen that in July 23 he sent her a bunch of messages which he subsequently deleted. I met him in August 23 and had a bit of a whirlwind romance which led to our wedding in April 24. I checked his conversation with his ex’s DD (20) to see if I could figure out what had been going on as he still had quite a close relationship with her. It seems he had just found out the ex was on her second holiday with a new BF and he wasn’t happy about it. This was a month before we met so I feel like a rebound but it could be argued that it’s not my concern if it happened before we met (I suppose??)

We got engaged in November 23 and married in April 24. From November to March 24 he sent her seven messages. Just a link to a tic tok video calling the viewer a “see you next Tuesday”. In July 24 and July 25 he sent her a happy birthday message which made me think WTF.

It’s worth noting that from July 23 onwards he’s been blocked so she didn’t receive any of the messages from him so theres no replies. This is why he deleted all the messages in July 23 (he mentioned this to the DD).

Our whole relationship and marriage he’s treated me nothing short of amazing. My previous relationship was very toxic and I was emotionally abused and lied to so I know what a bad relationship looks like. My relationship with him was the polar opposite. He’s always given me full access to his phone and has left it with me with no concerns, I’ve just never felt the need to go through it in any detail.

But my question is - was I just a rebound? Was he still pining after her? Do you think he regretted being with me rather than her? Or was he trying to mend things with her for closure?

obviously no one can say 100% what he was thinking but please be honest with your thoughts. If it seems he never really loved me it might help me move on from my grief quicker?? 🤷🏼‍♀️

It does not matter. Just remember the good times.
Speak to your bereavement counsellor for suport

I don't know but it does seem to have moved very quickly between the two of you.

Oh dear. From what you say your marriage sounds very happy and your late DH was also happy. I'm so sorry you lost him so soon, he sounds like a good man.
We obviously can't tell what he was thinking, but he married YOU. And it seems you made him happy. I hope you can take some comfort from that.

I don't think you were rebound.

He could have been sending messages because she is the mother of his child and therefore there's always a bond. For some, the bond is negative and full.of pain or anger and spite. He may have been trying to make a positive bond to benefit his DD. I don't think it detracts at all for the love and life he had with you.

It must hurt and be frustrating that you can't ask him. But don't let your mind go into overdrive on these WhatsApp messages.

I am sorry and I hope you are ok. Sending a UnMNet hug.

He left you the majority of his estate....that is love

You can love more than one person at the same time. Sorry for your loss. I don’t think this is going anywhere positive by thinking about it like this. I don’t think it will help you move on easily or feel better. Also it’s a bit disrespectful in a way. Hope you can feel better.

I’m very sorry to hear that you’ve lost your husband. It must an incredibly difficult time for you.

I doubt you were a rebound. Based on my own experience (I met my DP when I was just after an extremely toxic situation with a man I’d had a tempestuous on-off sometimes-relationship-sometimes-FWB thing with for years) I suspect it was more a case of him meeting you and realising very quickly what a relationship that isn’t toxic looks like and that when you stumble across something that good, you seize it. That’s certainly what I did. Meeting DP wasn’t a rebound, it was a revelation, and I suspect you were your husband’s revelation.

You had a whirlwind romance and two happy years together. I’m sorry it was such a short time. You’re grieving right now - please don’t make things harder for yourself by convincing yourself that there was something wrong with your marriage. If you were happy, there was nothing wrong xx

So what? Sometimes that just how things work out. It happens and it doesn’t mean it’s a rebound. It’s just life.

You weren’t just a rebound if you were married for almost two years. Maybe initially but he obviously really loved you. Sorry for your loss.

What really is a ''rebound''? We are all entitled to find happiness as painlessly as possible - and there is no time limit on ''moving on'' - but some people like to judge this matter.

There doesn’t seem anything suspicious - we all delete messages from time to time ? He treated you like a Princess so remember him as the good man he was x

Isn't what those messages show that in July he was messed up and probably did want her, but then he met you and everything changed.

Two things can be true at once. He probably thought he still wanted her. But then he made a connection with you that totally changed his life.

I know that when I first met my husband there was a FWB situation that I had wanted to go further. It didn't but hadn't fully ended either - because I was stupidly hanging on because I was lonely and miserable, even though I knew we weren't a good fit.

But from almost the first conversation with my husband it was clear what I was really missing and I never looked back. Although I am still in passing contact with the other person 20 years later because we live in close proximity. I might wish him a happy birthday because we both moved on decades ago.

From the way you describe your relationship your husband clearly loved you. At some point in his past he loved his ex too but don't we all feel like that? And doesn't the benefit of hindsight and a better relationship also show us that what we thought was love at the time doesn't compare to finding someone you are really compatible with?

Sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry your husband died, OP. I wouldn't be too worried by what he felt for his ex. From what you tell us, he loved you and you were both happy together. That's all that counts. How sad that it was cut short so quickly. But as others have said, remember all the good times, and treasure those happy memories.

I hope you find happiness again xx

As someone that still has a lot of love for her ex, I just wanted to say that it is entirely possible to have love for someone but recognise you don't want to be with them.. And then to also have love, a new love, for someone else and be very happy in a new relationship.

Don't cut yourself to pieces trying to work this out. He loved you and he married you, but he also had a long history with his ex.

Sorry for your loss x

Why are you trying to remake history when he's gone and won't be able to tell you any of his side?

Drop it, OP. He's gone and you should remember him fondly, and it sounds like you had a lovely time with him while married so just focus on that and also grieving him. I pray for all the best for you. I can't imagine the pain you're in and I am sorry :(

@Misteeq121 it feels
like you’re trying to make your relationship less real in an attempt to make the
loss hurt less. You seem to want to believe that your husband didn’t truly love you so that you ca convince yourself that it’s not as painful that he’s gone.

Your loss is very recent, you are no doubt in pain and are looking for a way to alleviate it, this isn’t it. It won’t help, unfortunately the only way to deal with loss is to feel the emotions and allow yourself to grieve.

Im sorry you are in this position but don’t ruin your memories of your wonderful husband in a desperate bid to alleviate your pain in the short term.

Be very careful OP you could drive yourself mad by thinking in this manner. Cut it out

He married you. He chose you. I’m so sorry that you face your life without this love, but do cherish that you shared it xx

I agree with this. I am very happily married but there are two Men from my past that I still think fondly of, and still exchange the occasional light ‘happy birthday’ or ‘saw this meme and thought of you’ message with. One is my first boyfriend and the other my first real love.

There is no hankering after them, no regret, but they each meant something to me once and each taught me things that have brought me to the relationship I’m in now. I’m grateful to them and hope they’re both happy in their lives now and in the future. That doesn’t mean I love my Husband any less.

Try to focus on the happy time you had together, I’m sorry it was so short x

It sounds like you probably were a rebound. I don’t know if that really matters? Many successful relationships start out that way. It sounds like he still had some attachment to her, but that’s got to be normal after a 12 year relationship.

He loved you and married you. Emotions can be complicated, but please don't diminish what you had.

You're sabotaging happy memories of what you were to each other.

I messaged an ex out of habit and subconsciously out of wanting to be wanted/good enough as he had ended it.

It wasn't because I wanted to be with him or loved him, would have never got back together and it slowly faded and I stopped messaging.

You don't have the full picture, so please focus on what you truly know, the love you shared.

@Misteeq121 you cannot live your life by ‘what if’ or ‘if only’ - you will tie yourself in knots. You can only hold on to how you felt when you were together and the way he treated, supported you and made you feel. Him staying in touch with the mother of his child doesn’t mean he had less intense feelings for you. It must be so hard but try not to let these doubts in. You will get through this.

It sounds like he wants alot of attention.

Thank you. I know you’re right and did make me feel very special and it always felt very ‘right’. Right from the beginning.

I should have have been clearer, she’s not actually his child, only the ex’s from a previous relationship. But he was the only father figure she ever knew and they always maintained a good relationship so I guess what you is still relevant.

sorry for your loss op.
unfortunately you cannot escape the grief. it catches up with you. his feelings for you makes no odds. you loved him and hes gone.

i dont think he was pining for her. there would be more messages if he was.

i would like to message my ex to wish him happy birthday. i’d never want to kiss (bleuch) or date him again but i still like him and i miss his company like a brother. But after he started dating her now i hold back as i know his current gf wouldn’t like that and i get it.

people start dating to move on. they never mean for a relationship to be a rebound it just sometimes happens.

yours was longer than a rebound. and he married you. therefore he loved you and gave up any thoughts of anyone else, and in his will he left you his money and possessions.

so that makes me think his feelings for you were real and maybe like me he still liked his ex but didnt fancy her and just wanted to be polite and friendly. i have friends that still hang with their exes and they all have new partners. ithibk it’s a bit OTT and not for me, but they are all happy so that’s their business.

i think you need to grieve and i’d suggest not dating for a good while so you don’t rebound yourself!

ps the little girl must miss her sort-of-dad a lot too. i dont know if he left her anything but she might like a keepsake from his estate or some money in an account if there is any spare to help her in the future. if you think he might have liked that.