Please hold my hand and tell me the truth

[Misteeq121]

I (40F) lost my DH of 1.5 years just before Christmas. We were together 2 years, including the time we were married. I’ve been sorting through his estate and have therefore been going through his phone. I’ve just found the watsapp conversations between him and his ex. They were together about 12 years and officially finished in 2022 but started declining around 2017. They had a very fiery relationship, particularly the last few years.

Anyway, going through his phone I’ve seen that in July 23 he sent her a bunch of messages which he subsequently deleted. I met him in August 23 and had a bit of a whirlwind romance which led to our wedding in April 24. I checked his conversation with his ex’s DD (20) to see if I could figure out what had been going on as he still had quite a close relationship with her. It seems he had just found out the ex was on her second holiday with a new BF and he wasn’t happy about it. This was a month before we met so I feel like a rebound but it could be argued that it’s not my concern if it happened before we met (I suppose??)

We got engaged in November 23 and married in April 24. From November to March 24 he sent her seven messages. Just a link to a tic tok video calling the viewer a “see you next Tuesday”. In July 24 and July 25 he sent her a happy birthday message which made me think WTF.

It’s worth noting that from July 23 onwards he’s been blocked so she didn’t receive any of the messages from him so theres no replies. This is why he deleted all the messages in July 23 (he mentioned this to the DD).

Our whole relationship and marriage he’s treated me nothing short of amazing. My previous relationship was very toxic and I was emotionally abused and lied to so I know what a bad relationship looks like. My relationship with him was the polar opposite. He’s always given me full access to his phone and has left it with me with no concerns, I’ve just never felt the need to go through it in any detail.

But my question is - was I just a rebound? Was he still pining after her? Do you think he regretted being with me rather than her? Or was he trying to mend things with her for closure?

obviously no one can say 100% what he was thinking but please be honest with your thoughts. If it seems he never really loved me it might help me move on from my grief quicker?? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Have I got this right - he sent multiple messages to an ex, over months, where the message clicks to video calling the viewer/her a cunt????

If I have read the correctly, I’d be more unhappy that he’d thought that behaviour ever acceptable than worrying if I was a rebound. At the end of the day you had only known him for a short time in total, maybe he was different with you or maybe he was still on good behaviour as you/him were pretty new still…you have to accept you will never know, and that without acceptance it will eat away at you.

For what it’s worth - I met the love of my life whilst at the end of an unpleasant relationship…he was never a rebound, whatever it may have looked like to others, he was simply completely right for me.

Grief is hard, and losing your husband unexpectedly must have been (and continue to be) shocking…please be kind to yourself.

The idea of going through your deceased husband’s private messages makes me really uncomfortable. Just seems like a really bad idea. Surely he wouldn’t have liked this.

Id hate anyone to go through my phone.

I'm also a widow, though I'm coming up to 2 years since I lost him.

I also went through a period of doubting our relationship, I think it's quite normal really. When they are by your side every day you feel the love in every interaction but once that fades and all you have are memories doubt starts to creep in and he's not there to reassure you anymore.

I also went through his phone, and emails, just trying to feel connected again I didn't find anything but I'm sure I'd be spiraling like you are if I had.

Trust your memories,feel the grief, and know that it does get better. I remember reading that in the early weeks and screaming "fuck off no it won't", but they were right.

It doesn’t matter, you loved him and he made you happy. He sent some birthday texts - not a big deal. You might have been a wonderful re-bound - nothing wrong with finding yourself in a happier and better relationship, so good that you want to get married quickly.
im sorry for your loss I hope you can hold onto the happy memories

I think you need to stop overthinking this and focus on the memories. Sounds like you had a whirlwind romance and clearly madly in love to have married so quickly. Sorry for your loss.

I think you nailed it on the head he was trying to mend for closure probably and only because of the daughter. It sounds like you swept him off his feet which is lovely so enjoy those memories

I am sorry for your deep loss. This emotional flip flopping would be consistent with the sequence of grief which encompasses shock, denial, bargaining before depression and acceptance. It would make sense to try to put memories back together of something that is so cruelly upended and taken away.

I rebounded straight into a relationship when I got divorced. I was worried that it was a rebound for the first couple of years (for both of us, our first date was 4 months after we had both separated and a month before our divorces were finalised.

but nearly 10 years later we are married and I can honestly say he’s the love of my life. Rebound relationships can be the right relationships

Then trust your gut feelings about it feeling right. He sounds lovely and caring. I am very sorry for your loss @Misteeq121

He treated you with love and kindness so why torture yourself now? Think only of the good times and keep those in your heart. Sorry for your loss.

I know it sounds really shocking when you say it like that and I really don’t approve. But when I said their relationship was pretty fiery towards the end that’s what I meant. There was a bit of name calling with that word thrown around regularly. He was known to have a bit of a short temper but everyone around him acknowledged how he was a lot a lot calmer and more content with me.

Thank you all for your very thoughtful replies. I think I’m a bit sore that she had him for 12 of his best years and I only had him for 2. And it was the beginning of the second year that his health started deteriorating. So it feels like not only did she have him at his best but she still had pieces of him.

Quality over quantity, right.

I was with my ex for around 20 years and I can assure you he certainly wasn't at his best. We have both changed a lot since splitting up.

Anger and bargaining are a very normal part of the grieving process, but please don't be mistaken that she had the best 12 years ever with him.. He was an ex for a reason.

I can recommend Cruse bereavement support for guidance, counselling etc.

I did read your previous post and I think you got a lot of good advice there.

I totally agree the picture is odd, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s maybe a tech thing, old pic still showing from a time she blocked him (when they just broke up?), or an old number? Maybe I’m naive.

In the end, you did have a relationship very quickly after his previous one ended, so I don’t think messaging an ex partner is that unheard of. It doesn’t seem super inappropriate a happy birthday, and it’s hard to imagine someone processes a relationship in a month. Is it fair to you, maybe not. But he did treat you well and I think that’s important.

I personally moved on from a relationship at one point - my choice - but did freak out a little when I realized he had a new gf! Even if I would never get back with him again. The final realization that it really was the end, so to speak.

Love isn’t as black & white as we make it out to be!

And - I should have started with this - I’m so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself, you are by no means a rebound, everyone has a past. You two seemed very happy. ❤️

It doesn't matter, OP, because he chose you. He married you. Please remember your good times together.

I don’t think you were a rebound.
I do think marriages are deep and complex, especially long ones, and that those ties don’t all end with divorce. I’m not surprised he messaged her at points and she messaged him. They were together a long time. It doesn’t mean he didn’t love you

Doesn’t matter. He sounds like he was a good husband to you and a horrible ex to her. So leave it there.