Partner proposed and left me a month later

[afterlifee]

My partner and I had an amazing relationship, together only 18 months but we were so good together, quite literally best friends. He had some problems with his mental health and leant on me very heavily for support in all sorts of ways, with work, emotionally, for his son, his mum, he had health problems. I did everything for him, neglecting my own life and needs for him because I love him. We’d row, and by row, I mean I would try to work through our problems, never raising my voice or being juvenile, I really tried for us whereas he would fight against me. He would shout, scream, act irrationally, even hurt himself. I really tried for this man, communicating in the best way possible, but it was never enough.

He proposed in November, I was so so happy with that because I thought I was getting through to him in helping him. However the day after new years, he left me completely out the blue. There was no warning, no talk in the weeks leading up to it about any issues he may have had, just got up, said he was never coming back and left. I was completely distraught, and I have really worked on myself these past few weeks. But I am still so upset, it’s only been 3 weeks and I just can’t believe it. He has been so cold, like he just doesn’t care. I am 31 and have kids from a previous (abusive) relationship. I have the capacity to rationalise situations, and I am comfortable being present in my emotions which I try to exercise when they come along me, but I just need a hand hold really. I am just still so shocked and hurt. I have no idea why he did this. I feel like I will never be enough.

You're not the problem.
I would suggest counselling, though, to process the end of the relationship any why you needed to save him. That's not healthy.
You might be subconsciously seeking and attracting damaged/abusive partners. Alternately, these types look for women they can treat like shit.
Focus on your kids and yourself for a while. 💐

You gave everything to this man and he didnt give it back.

This wasn’t a healthy or equal relationship.

Like the previous poster said I would advise counselling. You need to work on your self esteem and self worth so that you won’t fall back into an abusive or dysfunctional relationship.

A healthy relationship should be both people supporting each other and being able to communicate calmly. It shouldn’t be one person doing everything for the other.

Thank you for responding! I did have counselling, I have been in on and off for 14 years, full believer in therapy! But I’ve had my weekly sessions afterwards too, and it’s all very confusing for everyone because of how sudden it’s happened and out of the blue. And following advice, the attention I put into him, I am now putting into myself. Which I am loving! However I just can’t stop this overwhelming feeling of sadness and confusion.

You went from someone who was abusive to someone who needed you for everything. They’re polar opposites and you probably let a lot of unhealthy behaviour pass in this new relationship because it was so different to the last. But that being said it doesn’t make it healthy or ok.

Do not date anyone for at least 6 months. Do not go out with anyone for at least 6 months. You have a pattern of getting into a relationship with abusers and you need to address this pattern, and fix it, before even thinking about letting another man into your life, especially since you have CHILDREN so your choices will have an impact on them too.

I left an abusive relationship 8 months ago and its hard being single, but its better than being with someone who is selfish and a user who is masquerading around as "the love of your life."

Focus on your children, volunteer, give your time and love to people who need it and will appreciate it. These men are clowns.

Sorry, but the fact that you were still with him by the time he proposed, after all his shouting and screaming, and the fact that you neglected your own life and needs, are a sign that you have extremely poor boundaries and a dysfunctional attitude to relationships. I understand you are sad now, but this was in no way a healthy relationship.

I am going to be quite blunt with you only because I've been through similar seven months ago. You said it was an amazing relationship (and I thought so too) but which part exactly was amazing? Not the mental health issues or your caring role, not the shouting and threats to hurt himself, surely. And you will see all that yourself given enough time. It took me a couple of months but I got there.
This is not an amazing relationship by any stretch of imagination and you've had a lucky escape. I bet my arse he will try to weasel his way back in very soon..if you have any respect for yourself, don't let him.

Just to add some context, I left the abusive relationship 6 years ago, I can be alone and was happy alone but the new relationship who I am talking about was an old school friend and we just clicked. I understand that I need to be alone now and I really appreciate everyone’s input, any advice is welcome and I will take on board.

Sorry I'm failing to see what you got out of the relationship other than feeling needed?

its not whether your good enough, you’re letting in the wrong type of partners, they are abusive damaged people that wouldn’t be able to work a relationship with anyone for long, you were love bombed and rushed into engagement, he was never going to be capable of a loving long term marriage.
Use this time to heal, reflect what you would do differently.

I’m sorry I don’t know how to reply to comments lol… @Catzai appreciate blunt, I can deal with solid criticism and advice since it’s something to work with. We just got on very well together, but I have been told (and I didn’t notice) that he’d follow me around like a puppy. I am very outgoing, confident, happy. Or I was. But I agree, it wasn’t a healthy relationship looking at it from that point of view. Thank you! <3

sorry that happened to you. sounds like he love bombed you but the shouting stuff is really bad. you couldn’t have had kids around that. just bad news. he is the one who needs counselling but i doubt he will go as prob too busy finding a whipping boy (ie new gf) he can shout at to replace you as you were presumably starting to stand up for yourself using common sense, truth, rational explanations and evidence-and he didn’t like that.

he needs to win. to have someone submissive he can bully.

so i’d suggest youve come a long way through your own journey after the things you went through previously snd you should be proud of that.

it sucked he left but the rubbish took itself out tbh. you deserve better.

i learned from my last rejationship that in future i should keep my boundaries strong and dont solve all their problems as they look at you differently.

focus on doimg things that make you happy and even if the prick comes back do not go near him. the time you spend with him is wasted. you deserve to be happy.

What reason did he give for leaving? Have you had contact since?

From yr comments I wonder how similar you were. You appear to have taken on the roll, to a degree as his sounding board - and not in a good way.

His about face will have been confusing, but long term he’s done you a massive favour I feel. Glad to read you realise you now need time alone. Given time you’ll appreciate not having to wade through life dealing with his problems.

How can you say you had an amazing relationship when you also say he would shout at you and behave irrationality and lean on you heavily emotionally, all while you have children? That is not an amazing relationship at all.
If you have children (and even if you do not) any relationship should be a positive, supportive addition to your life not something that you have to prop up and that takes from you so heavily.
I suggest kindly that you think of have some further counselling in order to explore why you feel it is your role to fix someone (not possible anyway...people can only fix themselves)
I mean this kindly but you have children so have a responsibility not to bring unhealthy relationships into their lives.

Sadness and confusion is understandable. You are pining and sad for the relationship you hoped to have, the idealised one in your head. It's ok to grieve that. But it doesn't represent the reality of your relationship

1000% this

this was not a healthy relationship and you mistook it for one which requires help to understand pick

@TalulahJPthanks so much for this, I feel
like I was actually getting weaker if I’m honest, more so because size I was not just treading on eggshells it was more like glass so I wouldn’t try and resolve as such, moreso just comfort towards the end, I’d still try for him but I just tried to survive at that point. He did get physical with me at one point but blamed it on me? So it is a good thing but I can’t shift the feeling.

The trash took itself out.

You really need to think hard about why you described this relationship as amazing when to us reading it, your ex sounds like a selfish, emotionally immature, volatile, manchild.

You have a lot going for you and it's really sad to hear how he sucked all your energy away and how desperate you were for him to recognise how much you did for him.

Do not contact him, do not offer help, a sounding board or any of your time and effort ever again. Please.

Wow you have had therapy for 14 years...hmmm???

I don’t get it - it sounds like a terrible relationship?

Bullet dodged - he sounds awful.

Oh, dear. I’m sorry this happened but I promise you will soon realize that you are so much better off without all of his issues. Find someone that makes life easy!

@ForCoralScroller on and off for 14 years for different and very specific topics/reasons I have overcome through therapy, such as a traumatic event as a child, I had my first bout of counselling when I was 17. Subsequently had counselling for an abusive relationship and postnatal depression. My latest was because of different things all happening at the same time last year and it was a lot for me to deal with so took the appropriate approach. I have worked hard at myself and I don’t feel comfortable with your comment.

For everyone asking why I describe it as amazing, it was for the first 8 months, not much in terms of arguments, and even when he did start, I thought I handled things well, and thought (being the key word) he had taken my help on board, but realised he was just using this as a get out of jail free. We just really got on when he was good with me.

He would shout, scream, act irrationally, even hurt himself.

It's a gift he's out of your life, and especially a gift to your DC that he funked off. In your position I would be throwing a party to celebrate.

Celebrate OP, get a pizza and have a kitchen disco with the kids, dance like loons, sing and laugh. It's a joy that he's gone, embrace it.