AIBU to slowly stop doing so much for DH?

[Hetty24]

Married 4 years with a 4 year old and a 6 month old. I’m a SAHM and he works outdoors in all weathers, long hours Monday to Friday. I’ve decided I don’t mind doing all housework and childcare but I have decided I to stop picking up his clothes off the floor and putting them in the wash and putting them away. They stay where he leaves them, we currently have a pile of dirty muddy in the hallway and the odd sock in the bathroom. He’s moaned he has no clothes, so he’s noticed but I didn’t say a word. If he wants than washed he can leave them in the wash basket or wash them himself? I’ve also decided I’m not buying his family gifts / cards for occasions. AIBU?

He won’t be remotely bothered
It will drive you insane

Start as you mean to go on. He will get the memo 😁

You’d be better off going to counselling with him

what’s he like otherwise?

Yeah.. I think so, you’re a SAHM - you either pick up the house admin/ work, or you go out to work and share the house work.

whilst you’re not working, that is surely your job? (And a very valid and valuable one - you just don’t get your cake and eat it)

Just tell him that you will only wash clothes that are put in the laundry basket. It’s his choice what he does next.

Fuuuuuck, just because the OP is a SAHM doesn’t mean her H can behave like another child of hers and leave his shit everywhere!

Carry on OP.

Don't play games. Communicate or leave

OPs 'job' to pick her husbands dirty clothes up from the floor? Christ you will be saying next that she should be ok with scrubbing his skidders off the loo.

She is a SAHM not a bloody slave.

Does your four year old put their clothes in the laundry basket? Mine did at that age.

Is he not embarrassed to be leaving dirty clothes on the floor? It's something even a very small child is able to deal with so why can't a grown man.

YANBU.

I looked at this more like... if i worked in an office, with a cleaner, but there were bins provided, it wouldnt be acceptable for me to just leave banana peels and crisp packets on the floor. Asking him to put stuff in the wash basket so its not a trip hazard or making the place smell is similar. He's literally making more work for her, putting stuff in the wash basket takes 10 seconds.
And with his parents, thats a personal relationship between him and them that he needs to maintain, its not a joint couple house or childcare chore....

You think it is the OP's job to pick someone else's dirty clothes up off the floor?

Words fail me.

I mean, the general cleaning - yeah.. it’s SAHM is a choice, and is hard valuable work.

as another poster said, a reasonable line is ‘get it in the laundry basket’.

but otherwise, absolutely!

Tell him: any clothes that need washing are to go in the laundry basket or they won't be washed.

That is it.

As for gifts, if you have done it up to now, perhaps a heads up to him would be nice, but that is it.

Agreed - I hit and run too quick. Off the floor, not he’s a slob, but 2 yards over and in the basket I think 100% reasonable!

I think your policy of only washing things that people put in the laundry basket is absolutely fine. You’ll want to be starting to teach your 4 year old to put dirty clothes in the washing basket too and you have no hope of doing that if your DH leaves clothes on the floor.

But I think changing an approach you’ve presumably followed for years without telling him is a bit mean and likely lead to confusion. He won’t magically deduce your new policy. Is the laundry not done because you’ve been too busy? Because you ran out of washing powder? Because the machine is broken? Don’t play silly games and assume he’s a mind reader - you’ve can’t expect him to know your new policy when you’ve spend years training him that he can leave his clothes on the floor and the magic laundry fairy will get it all done. Just say “From now on I’m only washing clothes that are put in the laundry basket, and let’s teach to DC that too.” If he then doesn’t start putting them in the basket, you have an issue, but right now I think you have changed the goal posts on him. Obviously he should always have been putting stuff in the basket, but you seem to have done it uncomplainingly for so long, you have enabled the behaviour.

I don't see why you should stop doing his laundry but I absolutely agree he should be putting it in the laundry basket. He wouldn't just drop his general rubbish on the floor instead of putting in the bin would he. As for buying gifts for his family, well I guess his parents are your children's grandparents so they are your family too. If you want to stop doing that fair enough, but I think you should tell him of your intentions.

Nah you’re not BU, it’s basic manners to put your clothes in the dirty washing basket etc. you’re not expecting him to come home and pick up your
clothes and wash them ffs, then you’d be unreasonable.

I got sick of doing most of the jobs or having to ask dh to. So I chose some jobs and stopped doing the rest. For a while dh would say house needs a hoover or beds could do with changing and I would agree with him yes it did need doing and continue ignoring it. Within weeks he just did them so now I’d do pots, laundry, dusting, bathrooms, general tidying and dh does hoovering, beds, bins, recycling, garden, diy. We have always shared cooking.

Teaching a lesson is definitely a way. But it takes time to take effect (if at all), plus in the meantime it will drive you nuts too.. However, i think it is waaay more useful, effective and mature to actually say these things.. Listen, I don't mind doing all the housework, but please do the minimum and put the dirty clothes where they belong, otherwise I will not pick up after you like you are another child. Same for buying presents for his side of the family. You can actually say that you can do it together, but since it is his, he needs to make the effort, have input, if he wants them to get gifts, etc. Otherwise, it will just not happen. Things like that are straightforward, instead of waiting for him to realise things, and get to conclusions on his own. Should he leave the dirty laundry where it doesn't belong? nope. Will he connect the dots if you just leave them there? Maybe, maybe not.

get a storage container and anything that gets left on the floor goes in there. It will make you feel better about the house being tidier and also you won’t do his washing unless it’s in the basket. it will make him either wash the things himself as it will pile up or put everything in the laundry basket

Apart from this he’s a hands on Dad when he’s here and will take care of the kids for a couple hours at the weekend so I can go to the gym. Surprisingly Sunday I came in from the gym to find he’d put some of his work clothes on a wash. Has never done this. Meant to be hung and dried for Monday but they were still in the washing machine this morning. I took them out and hung them because I need to use the washing machine but I guess thats progress. There’s still a pile of clothes in the hallway upstairs which he said yesterday “he needs to sort that “ so I won’t be touching it. I did tell him that I won’t be picking clothes off the floor anymore and that if anything need washing by me he needs to put it in the basket . Good idea to get the 4 year told to put his clothes in the basket too I didn’t think of that. Tonight he’s called on the way home from work he’s sorting his pile of clean and dirty clothes out tonight in the hallway. Safe to say he’s noticed that I’m not doing this for him anymore, he’s not asked me at all to sort it for him. I don’t mind actually washing his clothes , I for fed up of picking them off the floor in random parts of the house. And as for his family’s gifts and cards, I was expected to just do it and I got questioned by one of his family members as I had forgotten someone once. DH didn’t get asked at all. So basically for Mother’s Day, birthdays and Xmas i won’t be in charge for his family’s bits, that’s down to him.

I have always let dh sort his family's presents and cards. I don't know why anyone would think that's my job. I also don't pick up clothes, for kids or dh. Makes you wonder what your DH's parent let him get away with.

What the heck? Because he has a job op should pick his dirty socks up? He should provide his wife with the basic respect of not leaving his shit everywhere.

Hell NO. She’s not his fucking maid. Fine pick up the housework but the sheer fucking disrespect of someone that dumps their dirty clothes all over the house and expects them to reappear clean, dry and folded in his cupboard is taking the piss.

Older thread

Has your DH maintained picking up his own clothing @Hetty24 ?

You being blamed for the lack of one of DH's relatives is unreasonable. Is he sorting those now?