DH seems to like another school mum!

[litteredbeing]

So he doesn’t even talk to her, and neither do I for that matter, we do not really know her, but we see her at parties and football and I’ve noticed my husband looks at her. She has long brow hair, tanned skin and slim, I would say not that different to me so possibly why he looks. But it’s really pissed me off! He never normally looks at anyone. Do I just brush this off as him being a bloke unaware or have a word!? First world problem obviously.

Well unless the pp had some form of specially tailored vows I didn't think wedding vows differed that much. Perhaps you can enlighten me?

Well, this thread is instantly like a sitcom. From "leave the bastard" to "are you in an open marriage", and everything in between - based on a hypothetical way DH is looking at someone neither OP or him know, or talk to. This can be a lot of different things - He might find her attractive - and we can lie to each other all day, that is completely normal. Now "the way" he looks at her is interesting. Because I can't help but feel that yes, he may be doing it in a really awkward way, but since we don't know you OP, or DH, it can just as well be that you are reading too much into it. One thing is for sure: It is making you feel uncomfortable. Either in a non-chalant way, joking, or dead-serious, whatever you are most comfortable with, I would just openly chat to DH about it. I don't think it's worth ridiculing him for potentially finding her attractive, might not even be the case, but you can ask if he is conscious about the way he looks in her general direction at times, or something. Point is, that he most likely is not even aware what he's doing, or how it looks, so no need to "attack". But certainly talk - if my wife told me I am doing something unknowingly that makes her uncomfortable, I would definitely want to know.

Well the guy is looking at this woman long enough and often enough for his wife to notice and be upset by it.
That is disrespectful.

If he finds other women attractive so be it. But he should not be making it so obvious that the woman he is supposed love and care about and who is his life partner is made to feel second best to another woman.

I can tell you they didn't include anything about lowering your eyes to avoid looking upon other women.

I’d mention it so he makes a conscious effort to not look.
He probably doesn’t realise he is ogling so much.

are you in an open marriage"

I aimed this comment at the pp who said they had taken "different" wedding vows.

Surely it's a fair question as to in what circumstances people take " different " wedding vows ?

Unless I'm totally out of touch wedding vows still go along the lines of " forsaking all others" Unless, according to some pp on this thread, who seem to think if you fancy some one else thats perfectly ok .

The standard wedding vows don't require you to look away from other people.

If the OP had actually talked to her husband about how she felt, then the standard wedding vows would apply.

But she hasn't.

What do you mean " look away" ? No on is saying he shouldn't look at people .But he was staring at this woman enough for OP to notice. And on more than one occasion.!

Not only doeswhat you say not make any sense but you are blaming OP for H staring at this other woman!

Yes she should talk to her H about why he is staring at this woman. But the situation shouldn't have arisen if her H had shown her the respect she deserved as his wife.

But he was staring at this woman enough for OP to notice

Ah, sorry. I was forgetting the standard wedding vow "I will not stare at someone enough for you to notice".

Just here for the bonkers responses and MN has done me proud on the first page. Popcorn ready.

Does this subject resonate with you because your response is completely over the top and you're embellishing the story massively.

A bit of growing up and unclenching needed I think.

OP you can't control either someone's thoughts or eyes. Surely you sometimes look at other men without it diminishing your love and respect for your husband.

I think you should say to him I noticed you looking at that woman, "do you know her from somewhere? You look at her like you know her?"
This should suffice but if he continues checking her out tell him this is a woman in our children's circle and it's disrespectful and uncomfortable for everyone to have a crush on a school mum"
Of course it's normal to find others attractive, a glance once at an attractive person or even have a crush in very long marriages but it's the fact he stares a lot and it's someone related to the children and community. Having been in that woman's shoes, it's intensely uncomfortable having school/hobby dads check you out often with their wife there too. It ended up isolating me from other mums and made me dread the school run or taking DC to classes I felt so watched. I was young then and didn't know how to handle it. When I gained a lot of weight they stoppes which is part of I like being fat and invisible now.

Well, the form of civil ceremony we used didn’t have any vows. We just stated we were free to marry and that we were marrying one another. Whereas some religious ceremonies include vows about ‘forsaking all others’ and ‘till death us do part’?

So he doesn’t gorp at her, he does it subtly, he just has a quick glance, but quite a few glances. I guess I looked at him because I thought he might find her attractive because I think she looks attractive, so I guess I sort of looked for it.
My husband is usually very loyal and doesn’t stare at girls on the tv or anything like that, so I guess this is what makes it more annoying because it’s confirmed attraction. I know it would be worse if he looked at everyone, but noticing one person feels more real.
I’m going to have a word next time we see her, I’ll just say I’ve noticed you look at her, what’s that all about?

That's very helpful information.
I hadn't actually thought about Civil Ceremonies.
Thanks.

Jesus, you are giving me very strong Justin Lee Collins vibes… absolutely terrifying.

Never heard of Justin Lee Collins.

Google is your friend. Convicted of coercive control of his partner, memorably telling her when they were out, she wasn’t to look at other men but must keep her eyes on the floor.

I looked at his wikki page after i saw your comment.
I think there is a big difference between coercive control and having the reasonable expectation that your partner doesn't openly ogle other people in front of you.

Anyway I've read OP's update where she says her DH is normally very respectful and that she is going to ask him why he is interested in this woman . So hopefully they will be able to resolve the situation amicably.

How do you not stare at someone on TV when watching TV?

Yup.

This is about OP insecurities.

“Oi if I catch you looking at her again mate I’ll take your eyes out” and that should do it.

Maybe he’s looking at her and thinking, I’m glad that my wife does not look like that

You sound unhinged

I'm just reading this thinking there's not much i can say that hasn't been said (and laughing at the brow thing)

and then i was trying to think of what my DH would say to me if he thought i was looking at a bloke too much/too often. (sometimes it helps me if i turn situations round)

I don't think he'd say anything unless i was flirting. If it was him i don't think i'd say anything unless he was flirting also.

Sorry not much help but obvs it's annoying.