This is not me but....

[Selfcareaddict]

I'm awfully confused lately! I recently broke up with my fiance of ten years, this I can agree was the best thing I ever did! He was not good for me and since then I've felt so free. I'm 30 now, own my own property and I have a well paid job now here's the tricky bit.
During my break up I became very good friends with someone at work who I confided in deeply, she's been there for me every step of the way. I have a huge circle of friends who are all very supportive but I have never felt the way I do for my female work friend.
I can't wait to see her, I enjoy her company, her phone calls, I've found myself wanting to kiss her.... but I've always been straight! She is not straight and this has never bothered me. I feel like there is a lot of flirtatious tension between us at times!
I'm scared though, there's such a perception around these things. I mean I wouldn't call myself a lesbian but we really do have a connection I'm just so worried about what everyone will say about me which is ridiculous but also is making me hold back from what I really want!

Anyone coming out of a 10 year relationship should skid the needle across the record for a while and concentrate on being alone.

It leads to far fewer confused feelings.

Also, lesbians can be friends with straight women without fancying them or hoping they'll 'turn'.

Then there's the fact she's your work colleague.

I think you need longer to come to terms with the single you.

Agree with PP. You haven't been single for 10 years. You're a different person now. Take some time to know yourself and enjoy being you before even thinking of moving on.

Thank you for this. I do agree with embracing the single life, it's all new to me and to be honest in the six months I've been single I have not once thought about dating or looking for anyone.

We have plans this evening, she has offered to cook a meal and some wine at her place which is completely normal for us to do these things. We go for hikes, beach walks and meals regularly sometimes alone and sometimes with other friends.

I suppose the only difference is that we have these moments, it could be the longer eye contact at times, the slight hand touch.

Yes all very confusing but I am certainly holding back for now!

I agree with the previous two posts here. You are fresh out of a disfunctional relationship (well done for abandoning a sinking ship), and to top it, it's not a straightforward transition, with you having these brand new questions about your own identity... Maybe spend time with yourself a little bit, get to know this improved version of you, be comfortable with who you are. Whatever you do with people in a romantic/intimate way is completely up to you, of course, but the fact that she is a person from work would mean that you need to be real smart about it...You don't want any workplace complications that could impact your livelihood in the long run.

Love this, I am a completely different person now and I have embraced myself so much after being with someone who dimmed my light for so long. Thank you for this

I agree with what @SwanRivers
posted.
Especially about not jumping into any new relationship until your feelings and emotions have settled after the end of a long relationship. And the fact she is a work colleague and that has the potential for real problems.

I will say though I can identify with your confusion over how you feel for a another woman.
I've always regarded myself as " officially" straight. I'm too old now for my sexual orientation to matter but when I was younger I always had a lot of lesbian friends. This was at a time when coming out as lesbian was still considered quite shocking by a lot of people. And I was sometimes aware of feelings of attraction between certain women and myself. And in fact one of my close women friends at one time told she was in love with me. So I did have confused thoughts about my sexual orientation. And I wondered if other people could sense in me what I refused to acknowledge myself.

Yes the work thing is definitely something I do think about regularly, I have always been that person to say in office relationships are hellish for the team when and if they turn sour! Albeit I know that isn't always the case.

I have been so happy on my own and made major lifestyle changes which has brought self confidence and obviously raised a lot of questions in myself, obviously this most recent one has stirred my brain quite a bit.

I embraced the single life with my last breakup.

I loved it so much and learnt so much about me, it's now been 13 years.
The mental peace is blissful, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

For me bizarrely.
My first step was stop shaving body hair off, shave armpits only.
The irritation stop skin got better.
Do what makes me happy.
Reading Mills and boon books without being called cringe, I now have a pile of them.
Its little things that make me happy and knowing everyday I dont have to be questioned by anyone.

I know me what I like what I want.
I had a few ONS and thats it.

It's such a strange feeling, questioning your sexuality, I've never even thought about it really because since 19/20 I'd been with a man who at that time I loved (I know now I was with the wrong person).

I think I'm more worried about what others may say, someone made a comment recently that we spend a lot of time outside of work together and I panicked completely that they may think something is going on. Which is strange because if this was just any friend I wouldn't be the slightest concerned.

Even my mum made a comment and then she proceeded to tell me she doesn't understand how women who have always been with men go to the other side.

She definitely hasn't declared she is in love with me or anything like that it's just the "moments" we have which do send me into a bit of a spiral as of late.

It's such a lovely place to be isn't it. I wake up every day and I feel so free. I keep fit regularly, I'm not as tired as when I was with him, he dragged me down so much I felt constantly exhausted on my days off.

My family really loved him but I did not towards the end I woke up every day feeling like it was a chore. I've also embraced reading, hiking and coastal walks.

Funnily enough a few of the men I work with have made comments at times or messaged me but I bat it away straight away! (Couldn't think of anything worse).

I think it's quite sad if your mum is making comments like " going to the other side" . I did think, or hope, things had moved on and that people were more tolerant of others sexual orientation.

I think there are very valid reasons for not having a relationship with this work colleague but I don't see why you should be ashamed of having a close friendship with her. It's really no one else's business.

And if at a later date you do wish to explore your feelings for women as well as men then you will find out who your true friends are because they will be the ones who don't judge you

Just to add im bi but kept it to myself for years, until I was on my own.
And really got to know myself again.
Now I couldn't give a toss what others think.

If someone has a problem with it they are not worth my time.
Ive made new friends better friends still got old friends.
Some of the best ons I've had have been with women.

Never be ashamed of who you are.

Yes and me, I have plenty of gay friends. A person's sexual orientation has never bothered me as long as I like them as a person. Confusing really as my mum has been to many lesbian weddings of friends!

I was hoping it wasn't a subtle hint from my mum that she is suspecting something going on because we are just very close friends. I didn't reply to her comment it made me go quiet though. My dad on the other hand wouldn't care whatsoever he's so laidback and is happy if me and my siblings are happy.

Thank you for this. Although I'm not trying to immediately pursue any relationships, I have opportunities with men, some are like dogs with a bone when they hear you're single! I couldn't think of anything worse!

I have been beating myself up a lot of late hence why I made this post. Questioning myself why do I feel like this? Why do I have these feelings or look at her in the way I do. Then obviously the panic and then I suppress it and tell myself to forget it.

I hope one day to be like yourself and not care what others around me think if I ever did find that I did want to be with a woman.

Confusing really as my mum has been to many lesbian weddings of friends!

I'd say this is quite unusual in itself.

My sister is 66 years old and a lesbian and she's been to 3 in her whole life.

My mum is the same age and has been to 3 that I can remember, the last being the end of last year 😂 she worked (retired now) from a job that was predominantly women dominated for many years.

I however have only been to two weddings in my whole life! My friends are only now getting married.

@Selfcareaddict @SwanRivers Who knows? Only mum, for sure. There can be many things in her mind.. She may be completely fine with anyone's sexual orientation, but as a parent she may think that she'd prefer her kids to be straight out of all the options? I can certainly imagine that. And it does not necessarily mean that she would be upset or voice negativity, just, you know, something she would imagine if asked. Or she would be surprised, it being an unexpected novelty about her kid. I myself have friends who are gay, not even in my most private moments do I feel negative about it... But as a parent (my kids are still small), if asked I would say my preference would be for my kids to be straight. Will always support them, and love them no matter what orientation they will have, please, don't get me wrong.. But I think if they would become non-straight, it would just mean an extra worry of them being hurt in any way because of it by people who are not accepting. Does this make sense?

Sorry, who knows what?

No it doesn't make sense.

I don't think you meant to tag me.

i thought you guys were pondering how come the mum would be ok to go lesbian friends' weddings if she has a problem with lesbian relationships. Just a few thoughts on that, @SwanRivers
I mean that only mum will know how mum feels about it. Sorry if I misread the line of thinking

You misread my post completely.

I agree you need some time to adapt to being a new free person before getting embroiled with another imitate relationship with someone of either gender.

But I suspect that either one of you might find "holding back" quite hard, especially in the 1:1 situation of a meal at her home. So you maybe need to be prepared for how you might deal with this if it arises. I am quite sure she has picked up your confused vibe. You need to go in with a clear idea of what you want from this. Stepping over that line will change your relationship for good.

If it arises do you think you are able to say honestly how you are feeling at the moment?

The work aspect is always difficult, but realistically this is where people often meet their partners. All fine till there is a break-up!

I sympathise with your feeling of being under siege from men when they know you are newly unattached - feels like a bitch on heat!!

Sorry @SwanRivers ,
I thought quoting the line "Confusing really as my mum has been to many lesbian weddings of friends!" and reacting to it with "I'd say this is quite unusual in itself." would mean exactly that. No problem, sorry about it.

Have been thinking about this a lot today and how I would react if a situation did arise. On one hand I feel so comfortable with this person, relaxed and happy, I've never felt like I'm on edge that something could possibly arise.

Even though I'm guessing in my head that I possibly do want something to? Hence why I said in my original post I've found myself wanting to kiss her (quite a few times) but have never persued that idea, now I'm not sure if that's because she's female or if I'm scared to lose the friend dynamic.

But yes totally men find out you're single and instantly think it's go time, although I do have friends that are men that are good friends and lovely too.

@Selfcareaddict so how was dinner last night, did anything happen?

It sound like you are bi but your concerns about what other would think has led to you being in denial.
I'm not sure a good friendship is worth risking to explore your sexuality. Maybe try dating other women and see how you feel.