Ex refused maintenance & threatened custody. WWYD?

[Bonnie2378]

I would like some thoughts or advice please.

I had an (unplanned) baby with ex. Contraception fail. We are both late 30s. Together 1 year. Had talked about kids but were not actively trying. Relationship had been good but he ended it when I refused abortion. He did not want baby. I later found out there was another woman on the scene.

Anyway baby is now 1. Ex changed his mind about baby and now loves baby. We have moved away from him (2hour drive) due to my new job. Ex comes to see baby once a month for an hour - his choice.

When baby was tiny I asked ex about CMS and he refused. He made a vague threat that he could request custody to spite me if I went for CMS. He knows this is my nightmare. He later apologised but it scared me so I didn’t pursue it.

I now feel that baby should receive CMS. I don’t desperately need the money so it would all go into a savings account for baby. Ex is on very good money but is self employed builder so could try to avoid paying CMS.

Should I ask him again? Or just go for CMS? Or leave it for an easy life (although he could still go for custody). Worst outcome would be that it ends up in court and he gets awarded time (days, overnights?) with baby. But would this happen if we are 2hour drive away?

Anybody been through similar? What would you do?

Grateful for any advice, thank you

Go to CMS. He can try to scare you all he wants but no sane judge is giving him custody of a baby he barely knows (and wanted aborted). Would be rare for any overnight to be awarded under 2 years old. Does he even have suitable accomodation?

He doesn't get to opt out of paying for a child he helped create. He knows he can scare you, don't let him. 💪💐

Thank you Banshee. He has a house so I guess so. He is basically a stranger to baby though so I would hope courts would take this into account.

How exactly does he think he can take care of the child while he works as a builder ?

He won’t get custody nor does he actually want it. He might’ve weekends when baby is a bit older but it’s totally impractical to imagine he would be able to have anything like 50/50.

Go for CMS and stop letting the twat worry you.

Sorry, he doesn't suddenly love the baby he chooses to see one hour a month. Neither does he love the baby that he only wants to see more out of "spite" to stop you getting any of his money.

Yes, as a self employed builder, get ready to see zero through CMS.

You chose to have a child he didn't want. Yes yes, it takes two to conceive etc etc but let's not be faux naive here and pretend he's got any say in whether a baby is chosen to be born from that conception. He's doing nothing other than exactly what you would expect from someone who said from conception, they did not want a child with you. Telling yourself he now loves the child when his actions show quite the contrary, I suspect is more because it helps you deal with the reality of the situation you now find yourself in, that you created.

As a reality check, look at the good. You have your much wanted baby. There is zero chance he's having custody of this child because he doesn't want any. He wants you away from his cash. And the easiest way to do that is pretend he'd have custody. The actual way he'll do that, is to fiddle his books. And CMS are next to useless, you are very very unlikely to see a penny.

I suspect if you go to CMS it'll be the last this kid sees of him. But when he's only around for 12hrs a year anyway, does that really even matter?

Doesn’t financially support his child and sees him 1 hour a month?

Nope he definitely doesn’t love his child,he’s just another deadbeat dad.

And he doesn’t want shared custody either

Thanks Orange, Fortnum and Uber, all fair points

Go to CMS.

if he is self employed, expect to get very little.

Get a diary and keep a note of all contact - each time he sees the baby (dates, times, if he takes the baby out etc), and also any time there is contact between you - so each time he messages to ask after his child (which I bet is rare).

He's highly unlikely to actually go to court, but if it does then you'll have a complete document of how little interest he's had in his child until he was asked to pay.

If you can gather as much information about his company - is he ltd or not? Is he on companies house or not?
It is possible to get CMS from folks who are self employed, but it can be an incredibly long and frustrating process and CMS can be shit with it.

Let him.

A judge will laugh him out of court.
He won't get custody.

He's doing this because he doesn't want to pay up. He has zero interest in his child. That's all.

Be careful taking this advice from online people. He absolutely can try to get 50/50 with you and try to get mire time with the baby. And you can’t be certain he won’t get it. While you can be very sure he will not pay his fair share. So by going to CMS you may start an avalanche of unintended consequences.

Thanks all. Good suggestion about the diary Whinger, I will start that tomorrow.

This is my fear, Pikku. I have booked some legal advice but I suppose you can never really predict a court outcome. I’m trying to put my myself in baby’s shoes when they are age18 - would they rather have a (potentially very small) nest egg if it was at the cost of pushing away a (deadbeat) dad, or would they rather that I had done everything I could to keep him sweet and forego the nest egg. It’s hard.

If he begrudges paying child support he is unlikely to be eager to shell out on court and legal fees. And if he does he can try to explain how now he’s expected to pay child support he wants custody of a child he sees for an hour a month.

Many men threaten this but how many single dads have you met?

Going to Court to fight for time with child is expensive - and he doesn't even want to pay child maintenance on what is inevitably a small amount of reported earnings.
He does not know the baby - and Family Court looks at what is best for the child - and at 2 hours away, and barely knowing the father - it can be predicted with high degree of certainty that Court won't award him with any meaningful custody.

"Keeping father sweet" - with occasional visits - is not going to be great for a child when they grow up. I had an absent father that was there very occasionally. It is strange and confusing for a child - why don't they want to be around more? What is wrong with me. In many ways it's better to have an absent father, easier to explain/deal with.

A nest egg will definitely be useful for any child.

I would be more warey than other posters. Up until 2 there is more reason for baby to be with mother more. After that the gold standard is for baby to see both parents 50:50 if that’s what both parents ask for. And there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. The courts think seeing both parents is in kids interests. Unless there is strong proof of physical abuse from the parent to the child.

If he's self employed I wouldn't bother. My daughter is supposed to get just under £30 a month. The arrears are currently over £600. CMS don't really enforce anything to chase the arrears and happily accept that he earns under 3k a year as a self employed plumber.

I think they would like to see their mother stand up against a bully. Just think what you would advise them to do if they were in the same position. Do things legally, go through the proper systems and let the judge decide what’s fair. Or, demonstrate that it’s fine to men like this to dictate what they want and everyone else has to roll over and comply - basically saying his wants are more important that that of the mother and child.

My doing this the proper legal way, emotion is taken out and nobody can be accused of emotional blackmail. If he decides not to comply with the law by hiding money to avoid CMS and making his choice not to see his child - that is all on him and your child will see that when they are old enough to understand.

Sorry but you're the one giving the poor advice.

Yes he could apply for 50/50. Or whatever. Yes he'd get granted something. That's irrelevant when there's zero intention to ever have the child and it's just to get OP to fuck off with her cms.

He doesn't want the child. He sees the child 12 hours a year FFS. He won't have the child. OP and her "ohhh my fear" is honestly, a bit daft because he's got no interest at all and she needs to stop pretending someone who sees a child 12hrs a year actually gives a shit and would ever have actual custody. But the more she puts on this performance, the it plays into his hands so the more he'll pretend he'll do it if she goes after his money.

She needs to accept he has no interest. You can see she's trying to convince herself that he loves this child now. This is unfortunately what happens when you proceed with a pregnancy when someone has been crystal clear they don't want a child with you. He's not some kind of arsehole for that, millions of women decide they don't want to have the child they have conceived, and he's no different to them. Your choice, absolutely, but equally, your consequences.

If he has a limited company look on companies house and get the accounts to help you decide

I laugh at these guys threatening going for custody to avoid paying CMS . Why would they suddenly turn into FT parent when they barely bother now ? And no judge is going to sanction it while they have zero contact and is working FT with no childcare plan . It is an empty threat and a nasty way to upset mothers .

Just apply for child maintenance. If he issues Children Act proceedings he is unlikely to be successful.

I would be very wary of this man and his threats. Right now, I would do nothing except keep a written log of every visit and communication. Times, dates, duration etc.

He is self employed so will wriggle out of CMS payments. You’ll end up getting next to no money but a whole load of grief.

No, we won’t want to take care of the baby if he gets access through the courts. He doesn’t need to as he already has the next woman lined up to play Step Mum.

The worse case scenario is 50:50, not a couple of days or an overnight. Half of everything, including holidays, birthdays and Christmas. Just let that sink in.

Yes, he should be paying well for his own child. Yes, common sense would tell a court that he is a waste of space. But family courts are not based on common sense. They use 50:50 as the starting point. He is not a danger to the child so I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets whatever access he requests.

But if you really don’t need the money, do nothing for now. In all likelihood, the visits will decrease and he will disappear. Sad for your child but much better than being stuck between warring parents.

I doubt he would get 50-50, but he could very well avoid CMS, and it's not particularly difficult if he's self-emplyed.

If you are OK financially without it and you were thinking of saving it for your son's future could you maybe convince him to open up a junior ISA in your son's name instead where he puts £50-£100 a month or so? A lot of moronic men see CMS as giving money to their ex rather than towards their children's living costs so he might be more inclined to save directly towards his son as he will then get all the praise when it pays out.

It seems like you have a lot to lose and not much to gain here.

If he went to court for 50/50 it's likely he'd be given far more custody than he has now - maybe not 50/50, but it's not beyond the realms of possibility.

Court won't care that he wanted you to have an abortion and will only give limited weight to the lack of time he spends with his child currently.

Meanwhile he's self employed and you are unlikely to see more than the bare minimum CSA, so in return for the very real risk of losing full custody you'll likely get very little money.

Personally I'd suck up the situation as it is.

I think @RoachFishhas a good idea re the ISA.

But for those posters who think he won’t get 50:50, why do you think this?

A family court judge is highly likely to start off with the child’s right to have equal access to both parents. Yes, this would be tricky on a practical level due to the distance. But this distance is due to the OP moving, not the father.

I have known men be given 50:50 despite drug convictions and domestic abuse cases. We see it in MN all the time. @Bonnie2378has in no way suggested that the other parent is a risk to the child. There is every real possibility that he will get significant access.