Ex refused maintenance & threatened custody. WWYD?

[Bonnie2378]

I would like some thoughts or advice please.

I had an (unplanned) baby with ex. Contraception fail. We are both late 30s. Together 1 year. Had talked about kids but were not actively trying. Relationship had been good but he ended it when I refused abortion. He did not want baby. I later found out there was another woman on the scene.

Anyway baby is now 1. Ex changed his mind about baby and now loves baby. We have moved away from him (2hour drive) due to my new job. Ex comes to see baby once a month for an hour - his choice.

When baby was tiny I asked ex about CMS and he refused. He made a vague threat that he could request custody to spite me if I went for CMS. He knows this is my nightmare. He later apologised but it scared me so I didn’t pursue it.

I now feel that baby should receive CMS. I don’t desperately need the money so it would all go into a savings account for baby. Ex is on very good money but is self employed builder so could try to avoid paying CMS.

Should I ask him again? Or just go for CMS? Or leave it for an easy life (although he could still go for custody). Worst outcome would be that it ends up in court and he gets awarded time (days, overnights?) with baby. But would this happen if we are 2hour drive away?

Anybody been through similar? What would you do?

Grateful for any advice, thank you

There is no precedent that says a child has a 'right' to see both parents equally. In fact the recent guidance is that there is no presumption it is in a child's best interest to spend time with both parents. I don't think that applies in OP's circumstances but I cannot see the court disrupting the status quo, particularly in circumstances where 50/50 shared care is clearly not practical or workable.

You're missing the point.

He won't even apply. Because he will never ever take custody of this child.

It's an empty nonsense threat to get OP to stop with her CMS. And as you can see it works nicely for him.

Is there no way of reporting these men who “don’t earn anything” to HMRC. Surely they would take an interest. I don’t understand this.

You can but it's a lengthy process and it can be difficult to get them interested (mostly because of limited staff numbers).

When I worked for CMS there was a guy who was clearly ripping the absolute piss, but he'd done it in such a way HMRC basically said the amount of money it would take to catch him out, compared to what he would have to pay, meant it wasn't in the public interest to pursue it aggressively. It would just have to wait until such a time someone had the time to do it.

It didn't have a huge impact on the taxpayer because he was one person, but had a massive impact on his ex as it slashed his CMS.

If it's a simple and obvious case HmRC will get involved

“I won’t pay maintenance, but I’ll fight you for custody”.

have these people got any idea how much it costs to raise a child. Sure, have your 50%, that means you need a pushchair, a cot, clothes, nappies, food etc. you’ll also need to pay for childcare when your working and a babysitter when you want to go out, all of which will add up to so much more than the mandated payment from cms and that’s before you’ve provided the child with any toys! Then there’s the WORKLOAD! Washing the clothes, entertaining the child, feeding them, getting up in the night with them etc etc

These men are sodding clueless!

Well tbf he’d take care of the child the same way any working mum or parent would. Paid childcare or family help.

How do you think o/p would work and take care of her baby? Or any other single mum?

o/p I think you need to decide whether the CMS is worth the risk of him asking for increased contact. Bearing in mind self employed can hide income more easily.

you know him, would he manipulate his income? Do you think he’d follow though and not only ask for 50:50, but do it? Does he have family who would help him out with childcare if he did?

On principle I would go for CMS as men shouldn't be allowed to get away with this.

But honestly it's probably a lot smarter not to bother. He's self-employed so you'll get virtually nothing, and he can make your life difficult out of spite.

I think he’s bluffing about custody to stop you claiming cms. And even if not I don’t believe a court would give him 50-50. Maybe EOW and half school holidays. Living 2 hours away 50-50 is not realistic or in the best interests of your child. And this assumes he even makes an application in. The first place.

I would claim cms

It definitely sounds like he’s bluffing with the custody threat (I’ve known many men do this). However with his self employment plus the risk that, if not now, maybe when baby is easier at 8 or 9 say he might decide to start having her overnight as a fuck you for getting cms on the case.

Only you know him and his character but with those 2 risk factors, my suggestion would be to appeal to his better nature and get him to direct debit something each month into your DD’s own savings account. Appeal to his ego a bit about how amazed DD will be when she’s older that he has done that for her… blah, blah. IME men resent giving money “to” the mum (never mind that it’s a fraction of what the DC actually cost HER) but if he saw it going into DDs account and mounting up he might be more willing.

Is it right? No, he’s an absolute dick but self employment makes things tricky so if you want to get some money for DD, that’s what I’d do. I’d then save for her myself into an account in my own name so that DD doesn’t just get a huge amount at 18 and blow it all. There’s some kept in your name to eke out or keep for uni etc.

I expect he will go for joint custody. If you don’t want to rock the boat I would leave it as it is .

Thank you all for your input. I’ve booked a solicitor for advice as it seems like people have experienced different outcomes in court.

Sorry I cant remember who asked but ex is loaded, he’s a builder and does large commercial contracts so can’t hide money through cash in hand etc, it all goes to his company. However my limited understanding is that with some clever accounting he can put the money back into the company so it looks like he earns very little? The CMS calculator showed he should be paying around £1,000 a month so a substantial amount.

I think the ISA idea is great, thanks Roachfish. Maybe I suggest we both put monthly amounts into a JISA so it is locked away? (But not too much money, thanks Mosaic80) So ex knows I’m not using it for myself, and it’s not as much as he would be asked for by CMS? I think this could be more acceptable for ex as he can be generous, for example he sent baby an unnecessarily expensive gift for Christmas. Or maybe it’s guilt.

Thank you for your advice too Sashya, I’m sorry you went through that but it’s helpful to hear your perspective.