New partner after loss

PenguinPuffinPelican · 2026-01-20T20:58:57+00:00

I (50ish F) lost my husband of 20+ years very suddenly a few years back. I can't describe how awful it was, missing the only person I'd ever known, trying to hold everything together emotionally, juggling all the death admin. No kids but lived together almost all of our relationship, shared property, etc. There was a wonderful man who was a friend of my partner who helped me a lot with some practicalities. We didn't know each other well before, but my husband liked and respected him. About 9-10 months later we acknowledged some feelings and very gradually started dating. It's now about 5 years on and we are in a good place together. We have found ways to honour my husband/his friend but live alongside the loss. We live apart together- and that works well for us. The challenge has been the range of reactions. Some people embraced us ('life is for living') whilst others despised us, started awful and untrue rumours about an affair ('it's morally wrong'). Some still hold to this view- years on. I wonder if that will ever end? I suppose I am curious what the general split of views is. And if there is a time span that would ever have been ok? For those who feel it was/is wrong. I don't think there's anything more we can do to help the angry/upset people see it differently (but open to suggestions!)

shellyleppard · 20/01/2026 21:01

I'm with the life is for living. If you are both happy then ignore the nay sayers. Sending you all the love in the world 🌎 🙏❤️

Arlanymor · 20/01/2026 21:01

I think people who behave awfully and start untrue rumours have no space in my life and I don't care what they think.

TemporarilyCantDoMyself · 20/01/2026 21:03

I'm just happy for you that you've found happiness again. You've no children to consider, so it's really no-one else's business. Those people who judge you aren't really your friends @PenguinPuffinPelican.
Best of luck.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 20/01/2026 21:05

You are happy. That is all that matters. Live your life! You cannot and will never be able to change some people minds once they are made up. Let them go. Enjoy the company of those who are happy for you, they are true friends.

MermaidMummy06 · 20/01/2026 21:05

My elderly FIL has a new partner 6 months after, and remarried 18 months after MIL passed. It did cause upset because it was so soon, and a few other bits that aren't relevant here. However, in the end he's happy and not lonely, and no one begrudes that at all anymore.

Enjoy your life, ignore the naysayers. There'll always be people who think you should remain a temple to your partner's memory. It's your life, not theirs, and I find the most vocal would be the quickest to repartner if it was them!!

The1990club · 20/01/2026 21:06

Good for you for finding love again. My MIL lost her husband and love of her life ( together since school) 11 years ago aged 51. She started dating again after 5 years, good for her! She doesn't need to be alone for the rest of her life because life dealt her a tragic card. Cut the nay sayers out.

Original poster

PenguinPuffinPelican · 20/01/2026 21:10

Arlanymor · 20/01/2026 21:01

I think people who behave awfully and start untrue rumours have no space in my life and I don't care what they think.

So true. I guess I respect others hold a different view- lots of people were grieving him too after all- but I don't think that excuses malicious statements.

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Arlanymor · 20/01/2026 21:12

PenguinPuffinPelican · 20/01/2026 21:10

So true. I guess I respect others hold a different view- lots of people were grieving him too after all- but I don't think that excuses malicious statements.

Show quote history

No it absolutely doesn't - people can think what they like, it doesn't mean that they can say what they like.

muckypuppyducky · 20/01/2026 21:14

Not similar but not entirely different, my DP and I were family friends. We would often meet for lunches, drinks etc. totally amicable and good friends. When both of our marriages ended, we ended up getting together. The flack we took was relentless, and completely untrue.

some people just look for drama. It’s hard to… but you need to ignore them.

life is for the living. Lean into your happiness. I’m thrilled for you, that you have found someone who can also recognize how important your DH was. Enjoy your time together.

Fletchasketch · 20/01/2026 21:15

Have you ever watched the BBC series, Mum? It pretty much describes your exact scenario, and is so gently yet humorously told, I wonder if you might find it worthwhile.

Anyway, I’m firmly in the life is for living camp- if you get a chance at happiness, grab it with both hands. Good luck.

Original poster

PenguinPuffinPelican · 20/01/2026 21:21

Grateful for all these replies. Also interested in hearing the other side, it might help me think about it differently

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LayaM · 20/01/2026 21:21

I'm a young widow too. Something I've noticed is people who haven't been through it often hold a misguidedly romantic view, that their person is the only one they could ever love, their love for them is eternal, no one could ever replace them, etc. It's like they see someone like you moving forward with someone else as a threat to their narrative, like it makes them feel replaceable.

I had quite a few comments from women along the lines of "it's okay for you, but if my husband died I would never want anyone else, I'd stay single", to which I always want to reply, you might feel very differently if you were actually in my shoes and facing the rest of your life without physical and emotional intimacy.

Original poster

PenguinPuffinPelican · 20/01/2026 21:22

We have needed to NC some people, which has been super tough. I guess that's why it's hard to let go, there is a wish to fix it all, but it can't be fixed. As he can't be back. We cannot rewind.

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Original poster

PenguinPuffinPelican · 20/01/2026 21:23

LayaM · 20/01/2026 21:21

I'm a young widow too. Something I've noticed is people who haven't been through it often hold a misguidedly romantic view, that their person is the only one they could ever love, their love for them is eternal, no one could ever replace them, etc. It's like they see someone like you moving forward with someone else as a threat to their narrative, like it makes them feel replaceable.

I had quite a few comments from women along the lines of "it's okay for you, but if my husband died I would never want anyone else, I'd stay single", to which I always want to reply, you might feel very differently if you were actually in my shoes and facing the rest of your life without physical and emotional intimacy.

I hear you! And so sorry for your loss. Hope you find your chapter 2 as and when you're ready

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FlyHighLikeABird · 20/01/2026 21:24

Don't take any notice of these people, I mean, completely ignore them, move away if they say anything, just don't respond and hang out with people who are normal and nice and support you being a human in your one and only life.

Having the early death of your partner is quite the most awful thing, I'm a widow too.

I can't imagine caring what others think several years on and I don't think you should too.

FlyHighLikeABird · 20/01/2026 21:26

LayaM · 20/01/2026 21:21

I'm a young widow too. Something I've noticed is people who haven't been through it often hold a misguidedly romantic view, that their person is the only one they could ever love, their love for them is eternal, no one could ever replace them, etc. It's like they see someone like you moving forward with someone else as a threat to their narrative, like it makes them feel replaceable.

I had quite a few comments from women along the lines of "it's okay for you, but if my husband died I would never want anyone else, I'd stay single", to which I always want to reply, you might feel very differently if you were actually in my shoes and facing the rest of your life without physical and emotional intimacy.

People who have not lost someone and are still married always say they wouldn't marry again. Many do find love, partnership, even marry though, especially if they are on the younger side. You can't know how you will feel. I felt exceptionally lonely, and only realised how lonely I felt when I met someone else several years later. I could live single, I choose not to, it's no-one else's business and people respond quite differently than they think they will.

Nosdacariad · 20/01/2026 21:30

@PenguinPuffinPelican condolences and congratulations. You and I both know life is short and way too short to give a monkeys bum what these busybodies think.

tarheelbaby · 20/01/2026 21:40

Loads of good advice from PPs who have been through similar. Condolences and congrats as per @Nosdacariad and @LayaM

Those people saying nasty things are saying them about everybody else too because they are really have no idea. People who (like to) stir never put down the spoon. You'e not the only one they're hurting with horrible comments. Most of them have NO IDEA.

Life is definitely for the living. It sounds like you have moved gradually and gracefully into this happy situation so definitely enjoy it. You both know all too well how fleeting life and happiness can be.

I'm somewhat in your boat - DH died almost two years ago, we had been together 20+ years and I am a similar age to you. The admin is intense and can be horribly sad. I'm still negotiating a gravestone! I would have liked a friend to step up and help. Our DDs are teens. I'm sure that when I meet someone there will be lots of flak but time marches on and so do we all.

Original poster

PenguinPuffinPelican · 20/01/2026 21:45

tarheelbaby · 20/01/2026 21:40

Loads of good advice from PPs who have been through similar. Condolences and congrats as per @Nosdacariad and @LayaM

Those people saying nasty things are saying them about everybody else too because they are really have no idea. People who (like to) stir never put down the spoon. You'e not the only one they're hurting with horrible comments. Most of them have NO IDEA.

Life is definitely for the living. It sounds like you have moved gradually and gracefully into this happy situation so definitely enjoy it. You both know all too well how fleeting life and happiness can be.

I'm somewhat in your boat - DH died almost two years ago, we had been together 20+ years and I am a similar age to you. The admin is intense and can be horribly sad. I'm still negotiating a gravestone! I would have liked a friend to step up and help. Our DDs are teens. I'm sure that when I meet someone there will be lots of flak but time marches on and so do we all.

So sorry for your loss, and those I might have missed above. The admin is a ***. Like a labyrinth! Whilst missing the person who would have helped. Double whammy.

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Nosdacariad · 20/01/2026 21:45

@tarheelbaby I'm sorry for your loss too. I'm three years out with teens too.🤍

Jas683 · 20/01/2026 22:10

Depending on your beliefs, you probably walk this planet once. Embrace every ounce of happiness that comes your way.

Ignore the "trouble makers and totally enjoy life to the full.

Grizelina · 20/01/2026 22:29

My dad died when he was 54. A couple of years later my mum met another gentleman whom she was with for well over 30 years - longer than with my dad. We were delighted for them both to find happiness a second time around. Life is for living - ignore the negatives and enjoy the time you have together.

Endofyear · 20/01/2026 22:44

There's no set length of time that's 'appropriate' in my view - it's different for everyone and depends very much on whether you meet a person that you could see yourself dating. Your loving DH would not have wanted to see you alone forever and would want you to be happy. What you have now doesn't take away from the many happy years you had together.

I think other people's reactions to your new relationship says more about them than it does about you. I understand it can be hurtful but try not to let it get to you. You have one life and you deserve to be happy!

MrsTigerface · 20/01/2026 22:49

I’m so sorry for your loss, but find it so wonderful that you have found love again. Life is short, and it’s important to be happy. Pay no heed to the negative reactions x

BeMellowAquaSquid · 20/01/2026 22:50

Ignore background noise and focus on you. You know too well that happiness can end in a heartbeat. You’re not doing anything wrong it’s not an affair it’s a comfort and something you should grab with both hands.