Husband no longer working, does nothing all day

[Sickofthis2839]

My husband has finished work on medical grounds. At the time he was very poorly (mentally) but he is much better now . Still has ups and downs but alot of good days.
I returned to work full time after being a sahm, and he has finished work forever. Fine.
But he is not a house husband by any stretch. When I come in from work hes sitting watching tv. Every day. And resentment is building massively.
He will do the dishes and put a load of washing in but thats about it. He will occasionally run the hoover round maybe once a fortnight.
I think what makes me so mad is when I was the one at home, he used to nag me all the time about cleaning and tidying the home alongside having two toddlers and a dog at home (they are now teens and completely independent) and even drew up a cleaning rota for me ! Which promptly went in the bin.
He has been at home for 4 years so far and seems to be getting lazier and lazier. Me and the kids just think of him as a lazy slob .
He has the weekends "off" and the school holidays "off" where he does absolutely nothing at all , but hes hardly doing anything the rest of the time!! Im struggling to keep my cool about this now , and end up making snide remarks and digs .

Instead of making digs just tell him straight.
He needs to pull his weight.

why don’t you do a cleaning rotation for him. To help :)

make it clear while he is at home there is an expectation for him to help the family?? Not just rot on the sofa, he should be getting out for walks daily. Otherwise he will just be listless and depressed.

no one is saying he needs to be scrubbing the floors by hand but he should be making and effort.

Slightly going against the grain, but if he is so medically unwell he cant work ever again, how capable is he of actually doing what it is you wanting him to do?

Not sure the whole "pull yourself together" attitude would be well received if it was a mum so mentally unwell she couldnt work.

Separation difficult whilst Kids still at home. Ive seen a solicitor, the risk is he can claim primary parent and the house !! Got me right over a barrell. I own more % of the house than him but according to solicitor this wont matter due to his medical inability to provide for himself going forward!!

Ive asked him multiple times. He will have spurts where he does something but its few and far between.
He has the ability to turn everything round on me and says I didn't do much when a sahm , but as I said I was raising the children alongside the house on very little sleep. He's at home all day every day on his own . Completely different

Maybe he has a pension that would also be considered in the event of a split? It’s horrid living with resentment - and lonely too.

What age are your children?

Have you been back to work for 4 years? Or did you return before he medically retired? Is he earning a medical pension? How many years were you a SAHM?

Do you still do 100% of the parenting?

I'd imagine you'd need to gather as much evidence as possible that you still continue to do all of the parenting & housework, even though you are working full-time. Do you do all of the school drop offs & collections?

I think you need a solicitor who will be like a fierce bull to be able to fight any claims that he is the main carer. A half-arsed solicitor is no good when you may have a battle to fight.

Please stop letting him compare being an SAHM with him being at home all day. An SAHM of toddlers is working, damn hard in fact. It just happens to be unpaid work. There is zero comparison with him being at home all day with no-one to look after.

You have my deepest sympathy @Sickofthis2839 Mines been a sofa dweller for years, also signed off due to ill health, does absolutely nothing, which of course has exacerbated his symptoms to the point where he would struggle to do even simple tasks. Any attempt at discussion is met with defensiveness and denial. He is past the point of re-homing now, the only place he could go is to one of his siblings and I genuinely couldn't do that to them !

I would get better legal advice two teens and houses don’t get kept anymore either

The OP says he was ill when he was pensioned off - and seems to have perked right up now he’s sat on his bum all day. lol.

i think he could claim primary parent - hence my second post on this thread. The lazy shit. I’m embarrassed for him.

what money does he have? Where are his family?

This x1000. Awful awful awful example to your children….. I literally can’t think of a worse example as a parent tbh than one who does absolutely nothing…

This is also hugely true and relevant but at this point he’s clearly so far gone I’m not sure there’s any point in explaining he was mistaken from the get go!!!

Why would it be your responsibility to find housing for him?
You could choose a life of peace and freedom.

This. Scary and hard to get back into work after going through something like this also. Maybe have a supportive talk with him about how he’s feeling and if he’s not willing to do what you expect of him or look for work and you don’t feel you can live like that then have a think about the future

Since your kids are teens, would they want to live 50%+ with him? He won’t get to claim the house if they want to live with you anyway, would he?

It may be worth waiting out the time until all kids are 18. It’s hard to know, though and it sounds like you’ve already got legal advice. A second opinion might be worth while, given you’re struggling. I don’t mean to shop around for the advice you want, but to see if there’s wiggle room and worth pursuing.

I’m sorry you’re stuck in this situation. I would worry about how to respond to him around the kids. It’s really damaging for them to see this and think it’s acceptable, but openly hostile parents at home probably more so. Do you have a handle on that or could you use some help there (not that I have any useful advice, but others might have been in this position, or in your kids’ and have some wisdom).

I left my ex-H 12 years ago, two years after he was sacked for gross misconduct and at the time had failed to get another job. I was pregnant at the time and made redundant before mat leave. I returned to a new job when DS was 5 months old.

More than a decade later and he never did get a job. The poor soul remains puzzled as to why I left him...

If he is well enough to be the "primary parent" in legal terms, he could have been doing more at home.

If you have a conversation with him, do remind him how he "nagged" you about house tasks when you were a SAHM @Sickofthis2839

If you sold the house could you each buy somewhere smaller? At this point I’d be tempted to cut my losses and run.

Sympathy OP. This would drive me mad.

The solicitor is right, you can’t just get rid easily as he’d be entitled due to not working. I’ve seen this elsewhere in my family.

Do you like him? Do you think he can change? What could you live with?

Maybe you can plan a longer term escape route?

Is he physically capable of doing the shopping, cooking, errands, general tidy up of the house, clean bathroom? If so, he is doing it. End of. On top of the dishes and hoovering.
Not need to be to a showhome standard, with restaurant quality menu. But the dishes and laundry is the bare minimum I do on a working day, on top of a full day and commute.
That of making an effing cleaning rota was pure bullshit from him!
He has to be rather bored....

Yes we could split the house 50/50 and both buy a small place. But solicitor told me he would likely be entitled to more as im working and can provide for myself, he cant. So his needs are greater.
He is unable to work, im not disputing that. But he is capable of pottering around the house doing the odd chore. Its more like hes on a permanent relaxing holiday that's getting to me

Wondering what really could be done

Does he claim any benefits?

The focus should be on both of you getting housing though not him at the expense of you