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Original poster

Coping with partner with ADHD

50 replies

Overherelikeeeyore · 19/01/2026 20:35

My partner has ADHD. Diagnosed in childhood but never medicated or anything like that. Now we are mid 40’s.

I’m finding myself drowning in negativity.

He is brilliant in many ways. Fantastic with my DD’s, works hard, provides for us all, good fun and very kind and generous.

But, when something happens he doesn’t like, it’s the end of the world. I feel so belittled tonight. First issue was something we had from tax office, I did the online form for him and it asked us to ring them. Lo and behold it’s because I must have done something wrong. Then followed an hour of stomping about, slamming cupboards.

He did apologise and we had a nice dinner.

Later, I asked about doing an extreme day trip with my DD’s. Suddenly we are in such a dire financial position that I’m crazy to think about booking 3 £30 flights. We are comfortable so I don’t know where this came from. Then a lecture for half an hour on how we need to start saving. Bear in mind he buys whatever he wants during the month (I don’t have any issue with this, just for example).

This is just today.

I constantly feel like I am walking on egg shells. I’m feeling really down about it tonight. I honestly feel like no matter what I do, it will not be right.

He is in no way abusive to me, I just don’t know how to deal with his mood swings and build my own resilience.

OP posts:
RecordBreakers · 19/01/2026 23:53

I think, when you are (he is) having a good day, show him this post.
Show him how his mood swings are impacting on you day after day.
Tell him if he doesn't get help, you are not sure how long you can live with it.

reversegear · 20/01/2026 00:02

That doesn’t sound like ADJD that just sounds like a controlling twat. Have you spoken to him calmly about what going on what this behavior is and if he regonised what he’s doing and how it impacts on you.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/01/2026 00:11

It does sound like ADHD emotional dysregulation, anxiety and rejection sensitivity.

The tax office letter probably put a huge fear in him that the taxes are wrong, he is going to owe them thousands of pounds, how will he pay for it? Why didn’t he pay more attention to the form. What could they possibly want? (Keep in mind ADHDers experience with authority figures from childhood are 99% you’re naughty, you didn’t do this right, you need to do better, you are in trouble,)

then you say oh we want to take a day trip that involves flying there …the panic rears its head again, how can you talk about frivolous day trips by aeroplane when the tax office wants to talk to me about my taxes? It going to be bad news because 99% of the time when any authority wants to talk it is what did I do wrong this time,

This is an explanation of how an ADHD reaction evolves and why it is often the worst case scenario thoughts when it comes to things like taxes or doctors

It doesn’t excuse the fact he has got to 40 without getting his shit together to take medication and/or therapy so he can cope with his disability without lashing out at you.

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 00:14

I had a psychotic breakdown from stress and I think a lot of it was due to living with a husband with severe adhd symptoms 9he refuses to see a doctor) it broke me and I lost every single thing I worked for

Freepaintjob · 20/01/2026 00:17

Sounds like Anxiety OP.

rainandshine38 · 20/01/2026 00:17

My husband has ADHD and isn’t on medication but doesn’t behave like that. That’s just shitty behaviour and more his personality than any adhd trait.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/01/2026 00:19

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 00:14

I had a psychotic breakdown from stress and I think a lot of it was due to living with a husband with severe adhd symptoms 9he refuses to see a doctor) it broke me and I lost every single thing I worked for

Living with ADHD or alongside someone with untreated ADHD is pure hell. I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s a real disability and it’s too bad so many adults had it drummed into their heads that there is no such thing as ADHD or that they can simply behave better.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/01/2026 00:21

rainandshine38 · 20/01/2026 00:17

My husband has ADHD and isn’t on medication but doesn’t behave like that. That’s just shitty behaviour and more his personality than any adhd trait.

ADHD is diverse. Not everyone has all the traits and even when two happen have the same traits, they can vastly differ in severity and impact. That is why there are ADHD subtypes.

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 00:22

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/01/2026 00:19

Living with ADHD or alongside someone with untreated ADHD is pure hell. I’m so sorry you went through that. It’s a real disability and it’s too bad so many adults had it drummed into their heads that there is no such thing as ADHD or that they can simply behave better.

Show quote history

hard thign is becasue I have childhood trauma and I was the one who had a terribel breakdown im seen as the one who has issues - before my breakdown I was in a very elite career and doing a PHD and running absolutely everything for both os us. it was so bad his friends would ring me not him becasue they knew he would never answer his phone or reply to a text ever. what im saddest about is that I know now my level of trauma as a child was so bad that the chances f me getting where I did in life was 1 in a million.

BashfulClam · 20/01/2026 00:26

Overherelikeeeyore · 19/01/2026 20:35

My partner has ADHD. Diagnosed in childhood but never medicated or anything like that. Now we are mid 40’s.

I’m finding myself drowning in negativity.

He is brilliant in many ways. Fantastic with my DD’s, works hard, provides for us all, good fun and very kind and generous.

But, when something happens he doesn’t like, it’s the end of the world. I feel so belittled tonight. First issue was something we had from tax office, I did the online form for him and it asked us to ring them. Lo and behold it’s because I must have done something wrong. Then followed an hour of stomping about, slamming cupboards.

He did apologise and we had a nice dinner.

Later, I asked about doing an extreme day trip with my DD’s. Suddenly we are in such a dire financial position that I’m crazy to think about booking 3 £30 flights. We are comfortable so I don’t know where this came from. Then a lecture for half an hour on how we need to start saving. Bear in mind he buys whatever he wants during the month (I don’t have any issue with this, just for example).

This is just today.

I constantly feel like I am walking on egg shells. I’m feeling really down about it tonight. I honestly feel like no matter what I do, it will not be right.

He is in no way abusive to me, I just don’t know how to deal with his mood swings and build my own resilience.

I have ADHD and don’t act like this at all. I’m more impulsive and would go on the trip but obsess over my back account. I wouldn’t anbuse anyone about a form I’d just be annoyed at having to call them as my avoidance and procrastination would kick in.

Playeden · 20/01/2026 00:27

I think mine most likely has adhd as dc1 does. And i feel similarly.
We just had an argument
he is defiintely more clearly adhd now as he couldnt cope with looking after dc in terms of remembering basically anything.

i think in your case perseverating on the error you made could be an asd sign instead of adhd?
though could just be a person who always thinks they would do better - even if they cant.
I would have thought the adhd person would be more likely to agree to sudden trips and be wasting money
Its probably just something he doesnt want to do but hes choosing to claim ots money related as easier. Or he doesnt want to waste money not on his interests.
Sounds like distraction.

mine doesnt acknowledge im doing so much admin and sorting kids because hes not interested but also hes just got no interest so makes even less likely to bother.

i mean mine doesnt even know after 3 years what time the kids one activity is. So lack of memory lack of interest. But taking no responsibility to write it down even..
the kids have sen but still more likely to at least know the time things are.
the other day he had to pick up dd - he didnt even know either which year group, or where in building they come out. But also didnt even realise he didnt know till he got there!
absolutely no way would he cope with all the school emails and dress up days etcsti

I mean just because he has the diagnosis doesnt mean its definitely adhd.
Our relative was diagnosed about 15y ago but clearly was to family not hyper or impulsive etc as a child.. In his case it was likely a tricky parenting situation (parents not tog, suddenly had several new sibs, mum was hectic). And the family are generally not that motivated for education . He was very placid as a child. Any issues there were came on as a teen

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/01/2026 00:32

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 00:22

hard thign is becasue I have childhood trauma and I was the one who had a terribel breakdown im seen as the one who has issues - before my breakdown I was in a very elite career and doing a PHD and running absolutely everything for both os us. it was so bad his friends would ring me not him becasue they knew he would never answer his phone or reply to a text ever. what im saddest about is that I know now my level of trauma as a child was so bad that the chances f me getting where I did in life was 1 in a million.

Show quote history

Wow. There was childhood trauma plus trauma of living with a man with untreated severe ADHD. So you having issues doesn’t mean there was no cause for them. Breakdowns are usually the human minds defence against extreme stress and trauma. Many would not have coped as long as you did. You did amazing to beat such odds. I have overlaps with you and it is hard, the grief of what could have been if it weren’t for all the bad stuff that held me back. Still, there is peace in the future you know you are strong and you did the absolute best anyone could do.

It’s too bad your ex husband didn’t have the insight you had to realise he had issues or the courage you had to face them and get help.

Paramaribo2025 · 20/01/2026 00:33

He has adhd for sure. They HATE filling out forms and answering lots of questions - so he got you to do it instead.

They love to vent and rant too and have hair trigger tempers.

You don't have to put up with this. He needs to be medicated. They get worse with age too.
I know loads of people with adhd, all hard work, and no way would I marry an adhder.

Paramaribo2025 · 20/01/2026 00:34

People with ashd are shit with money and finances too.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/01/2026 00:36

Hyper focus on a tax letter and then obsessively worrying s out money as a result is definitely an ADHD caused situation.

Really, did not expect to see old stereotypes reADHD being trotted out.

You don’t have to be physically hyper or an impulsive spender to suffer from ADHD.

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 00:36

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/01/2026 00:32

Wow. There was childhood trauma plus trauma of living with a man with untreated severe ADHD. So you having issues doesn’t mean there was no cause for them. Breakdowns are usually the human minds defence against extreme stress and trauma. Many would not have coped as long as you did. You did amazing to beat such odds. I have overlaps with you and it is hard, the grief of what could have been if it weren’t for all the bad stuff that held me back. Still, there is peace in the future you know you are strong and you did the absolute best anyone could do.

It’s too bad your ex husband didn’t have the insight you had to realise he had issues or the courage you had to face them and get help.

Show quote history

I think I have ADHD type symptoms also from ym CPTSD. the stress I was under was insane - regardless of any of these other issues. my phd work which was the trigger for my breakdown was a very sensitive topic which ended up relating to a major major news story. it was unbearably stressful. my husband was also very financially controlling. my psychologist says he has no idea how I survived so long. He is also an hoarder. iveben unwell for nine years since my breakdown and havent really been able to recover. im still married and its is unbearable. I lost my own soul. the financial control was very bad - I didnt even have a radio upstairs. he is a high ear and I was also working three jobs

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/01/2026 00:36

Paramaribo2025 · 20/01/2026 00:34

People with ashd are shit with money and finances too.

Not always. Some are.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/01/2026 00:39

Paramaribo2025 · 20/01/2026 00:33

He has adhd for sure. They HATE filling out forms and answering lots of questions - so he got you to do it instead.

They love to vent and rant too and have hair trigger tempers.

You don't have to put up with this. He needs to be medicated. They get worse with age too.
I know loads of people with adhd, all hard work, and no way would I marry an adhder.

Agree- he definitely has ADHD and he definitely needs treatment.

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/01/2026 00:42

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 00:36

I think I have ADHD type symptoms also from ym CPTSD. the stress I was under was insane - regardless of any of these other issues. my phd work which was the trigger for my breakdown was a very sensitive topic which ended up relating to a major major news story. it was unbearably stressful. my husband was also very financially controlling. my psychologist says he has no idea how I survived so long. He is also an hoarder. iveben unwell for nine years since my breakdown and havent really been able to recover. im still married and its is unbearable. I lost my own soul. the financial control was very bad - I didnt even have a radio upstairs. he is a high ear and I was also working three jobs

Show quote history

I hope it keeps getting better for you and one day you can escape your marriage and re-discover yourself.

TooBigForMyBoots · 20/01/2026 00:46

Your partner needs to get and take the medication he needs @Overherelikeeeyore.

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 01:33

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/01/2026 00:42

I hope it keeps getting better for you and one day you can escape your marriage and re-discover yourself.

Show quote history

thank you kind soul

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 03:52

Playeden · 20/01/2026 00:27

I think mine most likely has adhd as dc1 does. And i feel similarly.
We just had an argument
he is defiintely more clearly adhd now as he couldnt cope with looking after dc in terms of remembering basically anything.

i think in your case perseverating on the error you made could be an asd sign instead of adhd?
though could just be a person who always thinks they would do better - even if they cant.
I would have thought the adhd person would be more likely to agree to sudden trips and be wasting money
Its probably just something he doesnt want to do but hes choosing to claim ots money related as easier. Or he doesnt want to waste money not on his interests.
Sounds like distraction.

mine doesnt acknowledge im doing so much admin and sorting kids because hes not interested but also hes just got no interest so makes even less likely to bother.

i mean mine doesnt even know after 3 years what time the kids one activity is. So lack of memory lack of interest. But taking no responsibility to write it down even..
the kids have sen but still more likely to at least know the time things are.
the other day he had to pick up dd - he didnt even know either which year group, or where in building they come out. But also didnt even realise he didnt know till he got there!
absolutely no way would he cope with all the school emails and dress up days etcsti

I mean just because he has the diagnosis doesnt mean its definitely adhd.
Our relative was diagnosed about 15y ago but clearly was to family not hyper or impulsive etc as a child.. In his case it was likely a tricky parenting situation (parents not tog, suddenly had several new sibs, mum was hectic). And the family are generally not that motivated for education . He was very placid as a child. Any issues there were came on as a teen

my husband doesnt know who our mortgage provider is and we have been with them for 23 years

Unhappyitis · 20/01/2026 04:47

Paramaribo2025 · 20/01/2026 00:33

He has adhd for sure. They HATE filling out forms and answering lots of questions - so he got you to do it instead.

They love to vent and rant too and have hair trigger tempers.

You don't have to put up with this. He needs to be medicated. They get worse with age too.
I know loads of people with adhd, all hard work, and no way would I marry an adhder.

You know some, you don't know all ADHD people.

You mean you would not marry a feckless man not someone with ADHD.

How do you know we all hate filling forms?

I'm not hard work at all. My issues are my own but they do not impact on others. I work full time, pay my bills on time and organise myself. Is that because I'm female? I am very self sufficient and I do not abuse anyone. Personality can make you a nightmare, not being ND.

I don't know but this kind of narrative is hurtful bias and generalising is just poor critical thinking skills.

Unhappyitis · 20/01/2026 04:50

SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice · 20/01/2026 00:36

Hyper focus on a tax letter and then obsessively worrying s out money as a result is definitely an ADHD caused situation.

Really, did not expect to see old stereotypes reADHD being trotted out.

You don’t have to be physically hyper or an impulsive spender to suffer from ADHD.

Honestly, the way some things are trotted out on here, like it is the utter gospel.

Arm chair diagnostics are at it again.

Unhappyitis · 20/01/2026 04:52

Paramaribo2025 · 20/01/2026 00:34

People with ashd are shit with money and finances too.

Not strictly true, try again.

Just because some are, doesn't mean we all are.

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