Coping with partner with ADHD

[Overherelikeeeyore]

My partner has ADHD. Diagnosed in childhood but never medicated or anything like that. Now we are mid 40’s.

I’m finding myself drowning in negativity.

He is brilliant in many ways. Fantastic with my DD’s, works hard, provides for us all, good fun and very kind and generous.

But, when something happens he doesn’t like, it’s the end of the world. I feel so belittled tonight. First issue was something we had from tax office, I did the online form for him and it asked us to ring them. Lo and behold it’s because I must have done something wrong. Then followed an hour of stomping about, slamming cupboards.

He did apologise and we had a nice dinner.

Later, I asked about doing an extreme day trip with my DD’s. Suddenly we are in such a dire financial position that I’m crazy to think about booking 3 £30 flights. We are comfortable so I don’t know where this came from. Then a lecture for half an hour on how we need to start saving. Bear in mind he buys whatever he wants during the month (I don’t have any issue with this, just for example).

This is just today.

I constantly feel like I am walking on egg shells. I’m feeling really down about it tonight. I honestly feel like no matter what I do, it will not be right.

He is in no way abusive to me, I just don’t know how to deal with his mood swings and build my own resilience.

Exactly, ADHD is a brain type but doesn't equal personality.

A lot of people don't even understand the huge area that ADHD affects. They just think it's oh I'm so distracted, look a squirrel.

Yes they are ADHD traits but personality is on the person. It doesn't equal be a shitty person like it seems to on here. And the amount of posts we get about people suspecting ADHD and acting as if it is for sure, without a diagnosis, can be harmful too.

Sorry, it could just be that the op has a shitty husband.

Did he have a diagnosis or are you just assuming?

They love arguing, as well.

he doesnt have a diagnosis which is why I put symptoms. He refuses to see a doctor or a therapist even though my breakdwon nearly killed me

Are you trying to suggest I love arguing because I have a different perspective to you?

Nice try at rage bait.

I think there is a difference between dispelling myths and just arguing dear.

It might not be ADHD, it could even be a personality disorder or even just them.

I am very sorry you went through what you did, I truly am. He sounds heinous. But unless you have a diagnosis, it might not even be that. I am sorry you had such a hard time though, it sounds horrendous.

thank you. yes you are right. He says im the evil crazy one and I am angry with him now because I lost absolutely everythign and even have disabilities becasue of thigns that happened in the psychosis. the subsequent trauma it caused I advent even shared in any posts.

thing is I thought he was my safe valve in the world and the kindest man I ever met so I am so confused.

yes - it could be just that.

I have adhd type symptoms form CPTSD but before my breakdwon iw as the most thoughtful and caring attentive person you could meet.

I agree - I dont have ADHD strictly but I have ADHD liek symptoms form CPTSD from developmental trauma.

im like you and I run my husbands life and very single thing for us for 25 years. never ever missed a single deadline and was promoted to the highest levels in any job I ever had. never left a job. worked at making sure I was extremely efficient. and world hard at it which makes all this os so hard. I passed my PHD with no corrections to the deadline and that requreis a lot of organisation. went into the psychosis and it was only after that that I found out I even had trauma

My adult son has ADHD, autism and anxiety disorder. He behaves in a very similar way as he can't regulate his emotions. I have tried suggesting to professionals that he might have BPD, clearly I can't diagnose him but I do have very good reasons for suspecting that. There are various mental health conditions which are very similar, none is treatable but can be managed (mostly). I would suggest that you try to talk to him when he's calm, agree the length of time it will take to talk and encourage him to get some therapy. I know it's hard to do and hard to get the therapy, my DS is still trying to get therapy despite having a psychiatrist and CPN dealing with him, but he really does need to try.

I think my dh has adhd, he has a major issue with saying sorry and can never accept responsibility, always losing things, doesn’t remember a thing I’ve said to him, sulks and finds it hard to let go unless he sleeps it off, diy is always half finished, gets himself into a tizzy worrying about things to do with his business and money, and the paperwork side of the business almost causes him to have a breakdown every month!

He has anxiety. He “awfulises” things. And takes it out on you

there’s something called rational CBT which is really good at supporting new ways to think.

we all do it to a point but he’s quite extreme. It makes absolutely no difference if it’s adhd or not.

it starts with recognising we are accountable for our reactions. (That’s where adhd or anti depressant meds might help. But so can exercise.)

then working through different ways of thinking more rationally about something

There’s a book called ten steps to positive thinking, but it’s best read alongside a therapist.

the issue is that it’s affecting you and if he can’t take accountability for that it will start to move into the realms of abuse. Especially if it’s “your fault.” He simply can’t take accountability. There may be shame links from his past and adhd but that’s in tbe past. And again, it’s up to him to take responsibility and deal with that. Not you. You aren’t his therapist.

Hey I have ADHD, diagnosed at 37 now 39. I have overfocused adhd where basically I get caught up in very negative thought patterns when things happen, and things then consume me. It’s very hard to navigate personally and been hard for my husband also. I tried adhd meds but stimulants just made my anxiety so much worse so I had to stop. So instead I’ve recently went down a route of anti anxiety meds. I’m on a low dose of Effexor and it has been a game changer; feel more balanced, haven’t lost my emotions but things don’t consume me and the anxious thoughts have calmed.

Its worth saying that not everyone’s add/adhd is the same and therefore what works medically for some might not work for others but I would definitely encourage your partner to speak to a GP and get some help.

Also there’s a book by Doc Amen on the 7 types of ADD that has lots of guidance on meds, supplements and lifestyle support. I read this after being disappointed in how I reacted to adhd meds and quickly learned that for the type of ADD I have it was completely normal and there are other options instead.

I am so much happier and calmer now, hopefully your partner will turn a corner also.

@Overherelikeeeyore I could have written your post almost word for word . Reaching out in solidarity. Mine can be so hurtful during an outburst. Then he wonders why, over many years, I have become less affectionate. I can’t trust him with my heart because he hurts me.

Sorry, didn’t mean to share so much of my situation. My advice would be to see if he can recognise his behaviour during a calm period. Try to get him to talk to a GP. Mine is 56 and has spoken to counsellors who seem to affirm his good trait but don’t challenge the negative.

It’s tough. We plod on.

'I constantly feel like I am walking on egg shells. I’m feeling really down about it tonight. I honestly feel like no matter what I do, it will not be right'

You are right - there's nothing you can do. Does he see a problem with his mood swings and how they make you feel, or is he blaming others for causing them?

ADHD or not, it does sound abusive if you're walking on eggshells.

Offensive, ignorant and othering rage bait.

I have an adhd dp and Dd.

No hair trigger tempers here, both good with money, no form phobia. What a load of shit on this thread.

Theres always a proper moron on every thread isn’t there? It’s alright love I doubt the queue of adhers (or anyone for that matter) are lined up to marry you either. So I wouldn’t worry about it!

I have a adult son with ADHD he's poor with money as he is impulsive and forms drive him so mad he's been known to cry. He also has autism. He can't regulate his emotions either. His dad was the same.

ADHD is a red herring here. You are asking how to ‘cope’ with your partner. That’s not normal within a relationship setting indicates perhaps this isn’t the relationship for you. You then go on to say you ‘constantly feel like walking on eggshells’ - that’s a horrendous way to leave. You should set yourself free here, not look to ‘build your own resilience’ due to another persons behaviour.

Threads like this always make me wonder - why is it harder to set clear boundaries to an unhelpful or abusive partner just because he is ADHD? So what? I keep reading on MN about women who feel guilty and responsible for 'fixing' the relationship, and supporting partner who sees no reason to change even though they already have children, job etc to juggle.

It's my bugbear. Argh!

@Overherelikeeeyore OP, is your DH like this with everyone. Does he stomp around, slam doors and intimidate colleagues at work or his friends? Or is his ADHD reserved for you? It sounds to me more like controlling male behaviour. You say you aren't being abused, but you really are.

Exactly this. I have ADHD. I know a lot of people with ADHD. Not one of us stomps around, slams doors or intimidates family or colleagues. Stop using ADHD as an excuse for his abusive behaviour.

Yes, emotional regulation can be a challenge at times but even in the depths of emotional anguish, someone with ADHD still knows right from wrong and are capable of controlling whether they are abusive or not. Your husband is choosing not to. That’s not because he has ADHD, it’s because he’s just fine with abusing you.