Has anyone any knowledge of narcissists rships ?

[Loz12340]

Hi

I have been in a Rship with who I suspect is a true narc for the last year ( no children ) , I have experienced not so nice men in my past but I have never dealt with anything like this and I am really struggling

I believe I am going through what is classed online as the 'final discard' and I feel utterly shit

he discarded me a month ago now after accusing me of talking to another man and telling me it was his final straw, I have not seen him since but we have had contact on and off however we are now NC and this seems to be the hardest part

reasons I think he is a narc and wondering if anyone has experienced a partner like this

1. he takes zero acountability , even if he is so obviously in the wrong , any apology comes with 'but you made me do it'
2. lacks empathy and can never see things from my point of view , gets annoyed when I cry ( but he seems to have strong empathy for others just not me )
3. talks over me in arguments/ discussions does not let me get my point across or even speak at all
4. extremely insecure ( but doesn't think he is) constant accusations of being with other men when no evidence to support it
5. cannot handle even the slightest bit of Criticism literally will fly off the handle
6. feels he is destined for greatness and has a higher purpose even with a very low paying job ( thinks he is going to be a millionaire property developer and completly believes it )
7. verbally abusive has called me terrible names then acts as if nothing has happened hours later

however why im questioning if he's a true narc is he can be the most loving , affectionate , sweet partner ever.. he would take care of me in ways no other man has , we did alot together , anything I needed from him he would help me with , he never love bombed me at the start like narcs usually do but he did very quickly start to spend nights at my house untill it was almost everyday but this was never forced upon me by him it was mutual

he seems to be able to show empathy when watching tv shows or when talking to me about things that happened in his family / friends, and kids seem to adore him.

I guess I am just searching for answers as right now it feels very painful that someone can go from being a massive part of my life to dropping me like this over an accusation that is simply not true. He will refuse to even discuss the matter and has said he simply does not trust me even though I've done nothing to break his trust and that it is over between us

Do not get back in touch. Block him.

Those ‘nice’ times when he’s being lovely feel amazing don’t they? Nobody ever made you feel that good before and if only he could be like that all the time, wouldn’t life be just perfect?

Except it can’t because it’s not real. He’s acting. They all do it. If they were arseholes all the time they’d never get you hooked. They pretend to be exactly who and what you need them to be to keep you trapped. And in between, he’ll make you feel more wretched than you thought it was ever possible to feel.

If you commit to one of these monsters - marriage, kids, mortgage - they just stop pretending to be nice. It’s a living hell.

Please don’t consider going back. This isn’t love, it’s a trauma bond. A month out, you’re through the worst. And when he comes crawling back tell him to get to fuck.

Yes @Nevermind17 that's exactly it the good times feel amazing and he feels like the sweetest most caring guy I've met but when I think about it these are the times I never challenged him we seemed to tick along just 'fine' if I'd never say anything

he also makes things up and totally will twist things I've said and add his own spin on it and it's like he truely believes it

even the contact we have had this month since not seeing each other he has said comments like 'you want me I don't want you that's why your texting me' ' you just want to see me ' ' your trying to make me trust you' 'you think this can be fixed I'm telling you it can't ' even though I have not suggested any of the above ! It is driving me insane

Use this opportunity to move on! The problem with trying to understand people with personality disorders is that you will spend your life doing that instead of enjoying the relationship. I speak from experience. He's made himself clear, dont fight this x

You just described a text book narcissist and a toxic relationship. He's giving you the silent treatment knowing you're suffering and he's enjoying the whole thing. This is how he exerts control over you. He is probably getting his narcissistic supply some place else. You're going through a strong chemical withdrawal as your brain was addicted to this on and off- stimuli and withdrawal cycle, like a drug. They've taken the drug from you so going through a withdrawal at the moment. It's going to hurt but you need to stick to it for a while. Slowly it will become less painful and you'll start to get your happy life back. Once you start healing he will notice and come back with some shyte excuse to try and hoover you. If he doesn't come back consider yourself lucky as healing completely will be much easier.

Congratulations for getting out of a toxic relationship and dodging a bullet. I know it hurts at the moment but life is about to get better.

Thanks I am really trying to use it as opportunity to move on and I know I am severely trauma bonded to him

I am staying away from home at the moment and before I went NC I was met with accusations of I am away with a man I must be with someone else and he believes in the month we have not seen each other I have been with other men and that he would not be surprised if I was sleeping with my ex. These accusations are absurd to me as I have not once even looked at another man during our Rship.

this is someone who would call me multiple times a day and need to know my every move which I know is not healthy but the fact he's silent now and does not seem to care makes me think he must be on to a next supply

You are right @Loz12340 , he will have his next supply(ies) already on the go, his accusations are admissions.

I'm glad you can see him for what he is. I found learning about the way their minds work helped me work through the headfucks and abuse I'd endured, and showed me it was him not me. Dr Ramani and Elizabeth Shaw are very good on the matter.

It took me a while to heal, I'd been with him a long time. Don't rush 'moving on'; take time to sit with what you've been through, become yourself again then you'll find you move on naturally

Sounds like he's projecting his own issues . He's most probably been doing all the cheating and sleeping with the ex bit, he thinks that everyone else is a dog like him which is why he feels so insecure.

Dodged bullet. Greener pastures.

When he needed to know your every move in the past it was all part of the control and manipulation. Now he's enjoying your pain or moved on. Either way he's abusive.

Ask yourself why it matters to you so very much that he makes false accusations against you. Arseholes are gonna arsehole. He knows it’s rubbish. He knows it winds you up and upsets you, that’s exactly why he does it.

As pp have said, it will be him who is no doubt sleeping with his ex, and I’m not saying this to upset you but frankly, even if he is, it’s not your concern now. He’s a single man. Just as it has nothing to do with him if you’ve worked through the local rugby team in the past month. You’re a single woman, you don’t need to defend yourself against his rubbish.

You are tying yourself in knots attempting to make a (likely) personality disordered person think rationally. You’re on a hiding to nothing, it can’t be done. If he was capable of rational thought and behaviour he wouldn’t have a pd.

It doesn’t matter what he thinks. Let it go. Every contact will make you feel worse and set your recovery back. Build your walls! Grey rock! Come on here and vent when you feel yourself wobbling. I promise you, it does get easier. Keep strong! x

I have thought about whether this is all projection as I've given him no reasons to not trust me but he has basically never trusted me from the start. The accusations started very early on but they were always subtle it was never 'you've been doing this ' until now. He seems set on the fact I am going to contact him and has made out I am basically begging for him on numerous occasions over the last few weeks when I have not been. He seems to take any contact we have as me trying to get back together. Any interaction we have will end with him saying 'you'll message me again in a few days or a week' but when I actually mirror back to him that I don't want to be with him either he can't seem to handle those comments

Why are you still having contact?

@Nevermind17 I am in no contact now for a week but after he discarded me we did have contact as I was trying to defend myself against these accusations but it only ended up getting worse. So I have now stopped all contact

That's good @Loz12340 . Anything you give him, even knowing that you've read his message, is a reward and something he will try and use against you.

I would also recommend being very, very careful. Even when these people choose to end a relationship themselves they will very often want 'revenge'. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe, change locks, change your usual routines, contact DV organisations for advice and support. Be aware that he should never be trusted.

Just stop it. You’re a fool if you carry on contacting this horrible person.

And the being lovely to every one but the person he should be nice to (ie. you, the person he’s supposed to love) is textbook. All of it is.

I’ve had the misfortune to meet one and they are the most evil, insidious creatures around. They are wolves in sheep’s clothing. I got away as soon as I realised the extent of his unhingedness and went NC but I still ruminate on his behaviour years later bc it was so fucked up and he did such a number on me.

The thing you can’t get your head around is: if he was just acting and telling lies the whole time, why did he want me so much? Why did he chase me, lovebomb me, send me gifts to try and feel me back in etc? It’s bc it’s a game to them - they love to know they can click their fingers and be nice again and you’ll go running. They’re like demented puppet masters.

They basically have no self esteem and are an empty pit of self loathing and need to suck other people dry like emotional vampires to get a buzz.

Honestly, you’d be mad to do anything other than block right now. The sooner you do this the sooner you will get over it. He will definitely also have several other victims in the background.

Okay, that’s good!

I mean this really kindly, and I say it as someone who was married to a narcissist for ten years. They are manipulative and play games but we, in turn, are playing our own games (though not for malevolent reasons). All we want is for them to be nice, so we let ourselves play this crazy dance out, in the hope that they’ll suddenly have an epiphany and say “Oh of course, I can see clearly now that you’re not cheating and I feel reassured so everything will be perfect now”.

We are trying to change them, into reasonable people. That in itself is a form of manipulation. Being honest, if you didn’t want to “fix” the situation, you wouldn’t have felt the need to respond.

Please read everything you can on the grey rock technique. Block him. If he does contact you again, no matter what his crazy accusations are, do not respond. Just delete it. Or you’ll just be feeding this insane fire.

Like a good narcissist he believes his butt is made of gold, he expects you to beg him, to chase him . he's addicted to control and this is his very childish and toxic way of exerting control over you. Go radio silent for a month and watch how he gets back to you with some sort of lame excuse as in "how are you?", "happy birthday".

These man child are so predictable.

Apart from number 6. He sounds like my partner. And yes I say partner as I'm still with him because he accessed a lot of help, worked on himself and no longer behaves like this. My partner has EUPD, traits can kind of crossover with the two.
Whatever is going on with your partner, something clearly isn't right. You have no chance in hell of changing that unless he sees that as well and does something about it. If you stick around, prepare for your mental health to be battered in the process.

Run for the hills.

I have (just about) survived a marriage (and divorce) from a Narc. Trust me and other MNers when we say you have absolutely dodged a bullet here.

Another thing I didn't add that someone mentioned above is that yes anything and everything I have told him in vulnerable moments or in confidence has been used against me in arguments

when we first met he was obsessed with knowing about my past rships what happened what went wrong and I thought he was just interested and I stupidly told him only for it to be used against me.

@Whowhatwhere21 I have looked up EUPD and it sounds very much like him tbh but yes he refuses to recognise he has any type of issue I cannot see him ever changing or working on himself , he is the victim In every situation something I did notice when we first met.

he has an inability to wait in ques wether that's in the car or in person and will become very irritable acting borderline antisocial and emabrassing and was something I picked up on as well along with his severe road rage that actually would scare the shit out of me

Yes I do agree and see what you are saying , I have thought to myself if I just disappear maybe he will realise what he has got but I know that is wrong and that he is someone who will never change and someone who could actually be very dangerous

deep down I know all of this I just feel bonded to the fake version of him but I do count my lucky stars we did not have any children and I'm not as deep in as I could have been although that sadly doesn't stop me missing the complete twat or the fake version of him

Are you glad for the relationship to be over? Or were you hoping there was still a way to sort this out?

I'm just trying to grasp what it is you are wanting from starting this thread. If you were hoping to vent and have someone who's been through similar to discuss it with you're welcome to message me.
Even if you are ok for it to be over, i know it can still play on your mind and have that urge to try and understand what the hell was going on!

deep down I know all of this I just feel bonded to the fake version of him but I do count my lucky stars we did not have any children and I'm not as deep in as I could have been although that sadly doesn't stop me missing the complete twat or the fake version of him

Just let the feelings wash over you and then distract yourself and get on with your day is my advice.

I still get pangs of longing for my narc bc of the way he made me feel (and it’s been years) - but it was the dopamine rush due to the lovebombing/attention he gave me - he made me feel like I was the most amazing woman in the world! It’s that you’re addicted to so just keep it in the forefront of your mind bc it’s not real - it’s something they do to reel you in. Try to remember the horrible stuff he did instead.

I still have to give myself a mental slap sometimes so I totally get it - it takes a long time to get over.

Sounds narcissistic
the book ‘it’s not you’ by dr ramani was so helpful for me.

lots will come on here and criticize the ‘overuse’ of the term narcissist but only those who have lived through it understand

Creating an ‘ick list’ in your phone of all the mean things they said and did to you is helpful for when you start longing for them

That’s a great idea.