Feeling stuck in a cycle with someone I’m seeing

[KellyR1]

Hi everyone,

I’m really upset about a guy I’ve been seeing and I need to get this out.

How it started:
He’s usually the one leading, taking care of things, and being sweet and caring. I don’t have to think around him, which felt comforting. We’ve been texting for almost 3 months, though I ghosted him for 3–4 weeks. We’ve known each other on social media for 5 years and even went to the same school.

We’ve had 6 dates so far—I said no a lot in the beginning. I’m anxiously attached, and I’m noticing he’s becoming inconsistent. I want to break this cycle, but I keep wondering if it’s all my fault. I don’t know how to figure it out or how to ask him for clarification.

Our history:
At first, he wanted frequent meetings, but I was declining some, including intimacy. We had sweet moments, cuddles, and connection. Then something happened that really stung me, and I pulled away—ghosting him for 3–4 weeks.

He didn’t stop trying to contact me during that time. I eventually gave in about 4 weeks later. We didn’t really talk about why I pulled away except when I mentioned it, and he brushed it off, saying it happened because he felt a certain way because of me and kinda dismissed it. I didn’t like how it turned out, but at that point I wasn’t invested anymore.

As we were back texting, I was mostly goofing around. He said something like, “If you’re not interested in seeing me, just say so.” I was declining again or just playing around and not really accepting.

After a lot of wondering what to do, I accepted to go out with him because what he suggested was really tempting to me. I had no expectations and wasn’t emotionally invested, but he made it so romantic that I felt a cocktail of hormones and was completely all in—without planning it. On the date after that, I was intimate with him, and he was sweet and caring afterward.

After the second time, the dynamic changed. He became a bit less affectionate and is now mostly inconsistent, sending small breadcrumbs. Honestly, I’d prefer he’s gone completely than have this uncertain back-and-forth.

The dynamic:
He breadcrumbs me—sending texts like “wyd,” reels, short videos from parties, or voice messages with music—but he’s not really trying to get to know me or have a real conversation. It’s been almost a week since our last in-person meeting, and in my head, the “deadline” for initiation is almost over. When he texts, I feel relief, but then I get upset because it’s just breadcrumbs. I want this cycle to stop.

I never lead conversations. I mirror his texts and only respond. He’s joked a few times about “his wife” or looking for his wife. Early on, he said he’d figure out why I was single. He flirted with me via messages and reels, but lately, it feels like he doesn’t—or maybe it’s just my anxiety kicking in after we became intimate.

Where I am now:
I keep blaming myself, wondering if my behavior caused this. I don’t know what to do—what text to send, if I should send one at all, or how to end the cycle without overreacting.

I just want clarity, and I want to stop feeling like I’m trapped in this rollercoaster.

My guess is: you're one of a few he is seeing, and he is more invested in the others, possibly because he is getting more back.

Why did you go back after the thing that stung you and continue the whatever this is without a resolution?

You could be right. I don’t know how to end this cycle without blaming myself for not doing enough. I felt unsure, and my friend said it wasn’t a big deal, but I wasn’t planning to get involved with him… then dopamine, adrenaline, and oxytocin happened, and I got completely swept away..

You messed him around and now he's lost interest. You reap what you sew. Meh.

You both sound a bit ridiculous to be honest! Who has got the time or energy for this sort of game playing? You both need to grow up 🙄

I'm exhausted just reading this! You're both playing games, you're just not playing the same game.

Sorry but no grown adults have time for this sort of juvenile game playing shit so unless you’re teenagers it’s all a bit ridiculous.

Play stupid games win stupid prizes. Just move on and grow up

For heaven's sake, OP, you've gone on SIX DATES with this guy. You're not 'trapped'. You went on a few dates with someone who isn't that nice to you, and who lost interest once you shagged him. Just tell him you're not feeling it and drop him and block him. It's the easiest and most reliable method of getting out of this 'cycle'.

You might be right. What’s hard for me is that he hasn’t disappeared — he keeps sending breadcrumbs, which creates uncertainty. That’s why I’m questioning whether it’s my fault or if it’s worth addressing the change in dynamic.

I keep blaming myself, wondering if my behavior caused this.

Your behaviour has caused this in the sense that only you can decide to withdraw yourself from situations, environments and people that aren't working for you anymore. You have actively chosen to remain.

I want to break this cycle, but I keep wondering if it’s all my fault. I don’t know how to figure it out or how to ask him for clarification.

What does breaking the cycle have to do with fault. You can break the cycle regardless by choosing to disengage. Stop expecting coherence from someone unwilling or unable to naturally give it.

Then something happened that really stung me, and I pulled away—ghosting him for 3–4 weeks. He didn’t stop trying to contact me during that time. I eventually gave in about 4 weeks later.

You have taught him that harassing you wins you over. And that's all.

We didn’t really talk about why I pulled away except when I mentioned it, and he brushed it off, saying it happened because he felt a certain way because of me and kinda dismissed it.

This is on you. Again – stop expecting coherence from someone who isn't going to give it.

I was mostly goofing around. He said something like, “If you’re not interested in seeing me, just say so.” I was declining again or just playing around and not really accepting.

He should also stop expecting coherence from someone who isn't going to give it.

Honestly, I’d prefer he’s gone completely than have this uncertain back-and-forth.

So YOU go away completely. YOU. Not him. You're expecting coherence again.

I keep blaming myself, wondering if my behavior caused this. I don’t know what to do—what text to send, if I should send one at all, or how to end the cycle without overreacting. I just want clarity

The only clarity you're going to get is the clarity you can give yourself. 'Dear Bob, This situation isn't working for me anymore. Wish you the best, Sally.'

Block. The end.

Give ONE good reason why you cannot do this.

You sent him mixed messages and blew hot and cold. He is doing the same to you.

I'd focus on healing the attachment disorder so you can have a healthy relationship in the future, whether with him or not. But probably not.

But what he does is irrelevant, OP. You can neither determine his motivation nor alter his behaviour. Anyway, it's literally none of your concern -- you've had six dates with him! It's not even the beginnings of a relationship. You're not happy, so act. What he thonks or does isn't something you need to consider. Just end it and put him out of your head.

He hasn’t disappeared because he knows if he carries on trying to contact you that eventually you’ll cave, even if it’s just breadcrumbs that he’s throwing. Block.

"Then something happened that really stung me"

@KellyR1 What was that?

I don’t want to play hot and cold. I acted that way because of something he did, but now that’s past. I’m not trying to play games. Should I ask if he’s still interested in seeing me? I am, and I want to clarify things and end this cycle.

You're not in a good headspace to be in a relationship. Neither is he.

You need to do some work on your avoidant attachment. I would recommend reading up on it. There are many articles and you tube videos.

I would also get counselling to find out why you do these things. It's often something from childhood or the younger years.

Tbh, all of back and forth is ridiculous. It's a waste of yours and his time. Seriously, work on yourself, no more excuses. Future you will thank you for it.

And future you, will no longer be interested in stupid situationships like this.

You can end it yourself. You have the autonomy!

You need some therapy to work through your behaviour before you think about dating. You haven’t behaved well and not surprisingly neither has he.
End it, stay single and work on yourself. You sound exhausting.

You sound very young. You'll soon learn that there are far too many men out there to let yourself be treated badly by idiots. Block and move on!

It might be a good idea for you to consider dating others without any commitments, similar to how he is. Just take your time and do what feels right for you.

I noticed he hid his stories from me, and when I checked from another account, I saw he posted a story with a woman, writing something like ‘she’s asking if I have a crush on her.’ He also reached out to me today.

It would be very interesting what the OP has to say about this, so far she has ignored this excellent advice.

You don’t sound like someone who is in the right place mentally to be dating anyone. This is a colossal amount of angst and obsessive analysis over a man you’ve only been on SIX BLOODY DATES with. You barely know him.

If as you say you ‘would prefer he was gone completely’ believe me, the solution is in your hands. Why is it so hard? You seriously need to lift your bar. Make him gone, why do you feel he gets to decide? 🤷🏻‍♀️. Don’t engage with him - breathe clean air again, job done….and don’t look back.

I’m bored just reading that so god knows how tiresome it must be to live it.

Same.
The worlds lamest rollercoaster