Men who just BLOODY TALK AT YOU

[BarilynBordeaux]

Dealing with one of these at the moment. The thing is, he’s a genuinely lovely man who is kind and thoughtful with his actions (think gifts and outings) but never asks me a fucking thing about myself and just rambles on. Feel like a bloody emotional support dog.

How do you deal with this?

He didn't make it past the 2nd date, and i told him why

Tell him?

I married one of those. It soon transpired that the kindness and gifts were just a cover for the abuser he kept well hidden. Please be careful. You are worried about this for a reason.

How is thoughtful if it’s all about him and never about you? Surely a thoughtful action is to ask how you are, how work has been, what your week ahead looks like, what stuff you are interested in?

I mean abusers love bomb with gifts and outings. It's not kind, it's a spider drawing you into it's Web.

If you ever feel like you are having to rush what you are saying because they always want to be talking again then you are probably dealing with someone with high level narcisism. And that's not someone you should get involved with.

No matter how kind the gifts and efforts might be, he sounds an absolute bore.
And I couldn't be doing with that.

As a pp said, you tell him!

Someone who talks a lot might just be a massive external processor … or a bore. Doesn’t mean they are necessarily abusive - bit of a leap!

Hes trying to buy your company. He has probably discovered that him on his own 'as he comes' as it were, is not enough for most women..And it shouldn't be enough for you either, however much he tries to distract you with "thoughtful gifts"

It's probably worked for him before, but might it be the case that it hasn't been enough for any other women long term? - hence he is newly dating again....

But it means they’re boring!

True, he could just be a boring sod with no self-awareness.

Yeah but calling anyone who is boring, abusive is a bit much. Plenty of boring people. It’s the difference between avoid someone and arresting them.

I just feel conflicted because people always say ‘look at this actions’ and his actions are great apart from this.

My last date was with someone like this. On paper he ticked every box. But when I asked questions it just spurred him on to talk even more about himself. Never stopped to think about me once and he left knowing nothing about me. Bumped into him a few weeks later and he asked me out again. I said no. I couldn’t spend any more time with someone who had to be the main character and didn’t even notice I existed.
Is this his you want to live your life? If he doesn’t have the awareness to notice how he’s coming across or any interest in you, how would you ever get your needs met?

But his endless monologues and his choice not to ever ask you anything about yourself are actions!! Highly significant ones!

But it IS one of his actions, as I said in my post. Or, if you prefer, total inaction. I would say that someone asking about you and your life is action. Not asking is inaction (and bloody selfish and obnoxious too as it goes). Now can you see that? Pulling out your chair for you and buying chocolates aren’t the only actions in the world!

Yes, you’re right, you’re right. Bugger, I thought I had a good one for a moment.

You could address it with him - give him the chance to reflect. If he gets cross and evasive then he’s in the bin, if he thinks about it and realises it might be a new relationship nerves thing and strives to improve them that’s a different story. Good luck!*

*although in my experience, those who bray about themselves all the time tend to be a lost cause.

Talking about himself does necessarily mean he is an abuser. It probs my means he is nervous or just doesn’t know how to hold a conversation.

DP was like this at the start - but not first date, but dates 2-5. He was generous, thoughtful and reliable. that’s not love bombing but a decent guy. We are programmed to believe nice guys are after one thing.

admittedly if he hadn’t asked questions on date 1? I wouldn’t be interested. He was nervous and trying to sell himself. He was close to being dumped if he hadn’t redeemed himself

How can you spend any length of time with him? It must be so draining. What do you actually get from this relationship?

Well, sorry to be so dumb but I fancy him so much I kind of overlook how annoyed I am when we’re together. Then later I walk away feeling pissed off!

Well, just tell him not to talk and shag him, so there’s no time to dwell on his awfulness? Just make sure your contraception is watertight.

Contraception and a gag. Got it. That solution would work for me short-term to be honest.

Seriously though there are SO MANY men who just don’t care enough to ask questions about your life and it’s failing such a basic bar for conversation.

I totally agree. I’m not dating at the moment, but I remember the OLD days of…

Hi Cutie!
Hello?
Hi! I work in the City!
I go to the gym each day!
Hiya! Are you still on here?!
I play cricket on a Friday!
HELLO?!

All in one conversation to themselves apparently!