Have kicked DH out but..

[12345l]

On Sunday I asked my husband to leave.
its been a long on and off issue since some family tragedies. His behaviour has been one of self preservation and lacking empathy. I’ve been trying to help by supporting him and talking to him. He’s been to a man’s talk group and did see the gp but as this has been on and off he hasn’t quite grasped the affects. Anyway Sunday he was very unkind with his choice of words and made me cry. Didn’t acknowledge my upset and kept trying to defend wha he said and that it was true and I couldn’t argue. All whilst I was crying. it resulted in me saying I had enough and eventually be left.

To put it into context we have teenage kids. They agree that he had to go and that we have given him enough chances. He apologised and said he takes full accountability and in response I said show us by getting yourself somewhere to live and some proper counselling. 5 days on and he hasn’t done either. He’s leaning on the side of “we are better off without him and maybe we should part ways” The kids and I adore him - I’ve been with him half my life and can’t see why he isn’t fighting for us. The kids are devastated. I’m heartbroken. I know you will say he doesn’t deserve us and we are better off without etc. I would say the same but what I don’t understand is the lack of trying. Has anyone encountered this? Why has he lost the ability to want to try if we truly mean that much to him. I’m dumbfounded and so distraught. We built such an amazing life until this all started.

be keen to hear anyone’s helpful advice or similar stories please x

It sounds difficult all round, OP. But you can’t control someone else’s behaviour. You told him to leave him, fair enough if you feel his behaviour was so bad, but now you are upset he isn’t “fighting for you” and jumping through the hoops you’ve set him. Your post is a bit unclear, but it reads as if the family tragedies were his? And you’ve been trying to support him but he’s been behaving in hurtful ways? He sounds like he’s struggling; I’m not excusing poor behaviour but if he’s genuinely struggling he may not be capable of getting help and suddenly behaving in the way you want him to. He quite possibly genuinely thinks you’ll be better off without him, either that or he thinks it’s actually not the life he wants with you any more. You get to decide what you can cope with. He gets to decide what he wants to do. I’m thoughtful about your kids in all of this though - they sound more involved than they should be in decisions around their parents’ relationship; as teenagers that can be really damaging. It sounds like you might all benefit from some family counselling to help to mitigate the damage caused, whatever the ultimate outcome is?

The family tragedies were my 6 family members - 5 of which were mine.
Sadly the kids are involved because of his behaviour towards them. This is ultimately why I’ve asked him to leave because whilst living here and trying to help him get professional support he has upset them too. They have both had a break down at school and the environment is not healthy for them. Asking him to leave was made clear to be about space and giving the children emotional stability. He initially agreed but hasn’t done this in a stable manner. He is hoping hotels and not accepting a short term let , he is fixating on his business and not looking for help with the gp or counselling. It was about the fact I can no longer support him having put my own emotions and grief on hold. I have previously contacted the gp for him and he went but didn’t follow up or take the advice. All of this has been me doing the hard work and in the process my children are also grieving what we went through with their dad’s behaviour adding to it. I believe he is expecting me just to take care of him again and perhaps i have over supported him. I am lost but all I know is I want him home but I also need to keep the home a safe place for the kids. I want him to want to come home too - he says he does but then he needs to allow space and get the help he needs.

I mean, it's a little confusing, you asked him to leave and are saying he is not accepting a short-term let, yet then you're saying you want him home.

It's only been five days, surely now his priority is having a roof over his head, so I wouldn't be disgruntled about him not having sorted out counselling yet.

I think as you've asked him to leave, it's not really your place to criticise what he is fixating on at the moment.

It certainly sounds like you both need space from each other to work out what you both want, and then try to move forward with whatever decisions are made.

I think you yourself needs counselling, you are giving your husband mixed messages. You told him to leave then complain he hasn't come back home. You've involved your children into the relationship effectively getting/forcing them to choose you over dad, to bad mouth dad. And now you're complaining he hasn't found a short let accomodation. Do you realise there is a housing shortage, do you know he has to view properties, apply for properties. Do you know for every property he will view several others will view. It's ridiculous to expect him to have gotten a property in 5 days.
Then to complain about him not getting counselling, again, waiting lists, even if he saw a doctor the day after you kicked him out he could be on a waiting list for seeing a counsellor for several months.
It seems to me you are grieving your tragedies, he is grieving his, and everyone grieves differently.
I maybe reading between the lines, or may even be barking up the wrong tree, but your posts come across as me, me, me, have you thought that you maybe a controlling person, maybe that's why he says unkind things, because of the way you tell him he has to do x, y or z

Absolutely agree with above posters, you’re not coming across as a fair and rational person at all op, a bit main character and how everything should be as you decide.
you absolutely should not be involving your sc in to the level that you are, as it looks like you are trying to get a him vs everyone else, “everything’s his fault as he won’t do what I want” scenario.

I don’t think I’m understanding the background. Am I right that you have suffered an enormous tragedy, losing 5 (6?) of your family at once? If so then the greatest of commiserations to you, I am so sorry.

i don’t understand how this caused his “behaviour”. Do you mean he was grieving for your family members and his behaviour has been affected by his grief? Are they his family members also? Or do you mean you have been grieving and he hasn’t been providing enough support?

What has the behaviour to you involved?

So to paraphrase. You have had some appalling family tragedy. You are all in distress. You asked your husband to leave because you feel he's making it worse(?). But you don't like how he's dealing with where he's living now, or getting help ( counselling or whatever). Unfortunately the whole thing seems very muddled, I'm not sure if you know what you want, and you are giving your DH mixed messages. I would suggest you leave him to access whatever help he thinks he needs and to concentrate on your own needs at this point. People deal with tragedy in different ways, it might not be your way, but he needs to sort himself out and in his own way.

He’s homeless. Can you imagine how stressful that is? I am confused by your view that he should just leave his home and find a rental. You’ve lived together half your life and now he’s been homeless 5 days. Can you not see how distressing that must be for him even if he’s not openly telling you so?

it sounds like you want him to trot off and do xyz without consideration for his personality type or stress responses. These will be deeply ingrained and not the same as yours. He should be entitled to time. That doesn’t impact you- he isnt there, you have the space you need.

This is why you have to think very carefully before you issue an ultimatum, because you have to be absolutely sure that you can follow through with it. You drew a line in the sand, for good reasons and with the consensus of your children. Now you are wavering. All that does is teach him that you wont stick to it and that he doesnt have to change. Honestly, I think its over and for good reason. You cant allow his struggles to continue to negatively affect your life and those of your children. He is an adult who has had incredible support and access to resources and pissed in the wind. Make a choice, is his comfort more important than your peace of mind and your childrens right to a happy home? This sounds very harsh but it sounds like you need a spine stiffener. You love / 'adore' him so that adds a softening filter to how you see him. From the outside, unclouded by that adoration, outsiders see things unclouded by sentiment. He seems to be innately selfish and inflexible.

Were you hoping that if you kicked him out, he would suddenly see the error of his ways and be nice to you and your children and then he could come home and you could all play happy families together?

Because sadly that is not how these things work.

Ok Ive come to realise that I have either not explained this properly and if so I apologise or you are not caring women. I am in an abusive relationship. Where my husband causes my children to be fearful and face breakdowns. I am not asking him home. I’m asking him to get stability in hope with time he can come home. There may be a housing shortage but he has been offered a short term let. He is choosing to go to hotels or tell our kids he’s in his car which is a lie and to worry them. There are private counselling available. He has money and is not homeless he has family he can stay with. He is choosing this. I’ve had 5 years of him say me me me. So maybe now I’m saying me me me. I am upset and missing the husband I had before my family members died and he couldn’t cope. I have sought counselling and I got past my grief and I need to feel safe in my home.

you are all very judgemental of me and not being kind. This site is a joke. I pray you don’t have to deal with anything real in your lives. Good luck in fairyland

Your poor kids. Reading this made me remember my shitty and selfish parents. You need to leave him and get the kids in therapy asap. You sound just like my mum (kept taking my abusive dad back, I just love him so much etc) and I have BPD now, I hate both my parents and I'm NC with them. They're not allowed anywhere near their grandkids either. Seriously change your ways, do better for the kids and put effort into repairing their trauma before it's too late.

Sounds like he's homeless due to his bad behaviour towards the people he's living with -including his children

The sooner you accept that this is who he is, the better. His lack of action speaks volumes, listen.

You're clearly very upset and I'm sorry, particularly for the awful losses you have suffered. But I think posters are to pick out the key information from your post and understand what the issues are.

My take on it is that you have suffered this awful loss/shock/bereavement and your children are also affected. You needed your husband to step up and emotionally support you and the kids through it but he seems to lack the emotional intelligence to do so and, worse still, he is openly refusing to try and being all "poor me" about how it affects HIM. It's that right or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

If you had said 'I've chucked my abusive husband out', then you would have received different responses.

Abusive relationships can’t get better. He should be removed from the home for good. You need to focus on your traumatised children now.

But he was a good husband until you suffered the devastating losses? He wasn't abusive until then?

So his behaviour has changed when you were bereaved - I wonder if his behaviour has always been the same but you either needed more from him that he couldn't deliver when the losses happened or you started to see him differently because of your grief. It would seem strange if he suddenly became abusive at that time if he'd been a good husband up until then, and I would wonder if it's your perception that has changed, rather than him.

Are you in any kind of therapy or counselling to help you process your emotions?

The grief hit us all very hard and I got counselling through work. We both have a complicated childhood that isn’t positive and were both abandoned by our mums. Losing my dad (one of my family that passed) was quick and it dredged up unresolved trauma for him. I feel this was a trigger for a change of behaviour and where he shifted his concerns to himself like a self preservation instinct. Since then he has been very self focused on how everything affects him. He will force his point verbally even after he has me in tears unable to respond to the emotions I or the children show. His language changed from we to I when he talks about anything. It is because I saw this change that I have maybe rightfully or wrongfully tried to support him. I feel it’s him not coping. We’ve been together over 20 years. This trauma of my family loss in turn has caused me to try and hold tight to our family. Asking him to leave was the hardest thing I’ve done. Yes I want him to have a wake up from this and get the help so we can rebuild. I feel I’ve tried everything else. He’s now my only adult family. I know the current situation isn’t tolerable and it’s not right for any of us. That’s why he had to go. I know it’s been now 6 days and I have to give him time but I also feel like if it was me (yes I appreciate he’s not me) I would have been doing all I can to get any help - I would fight to be with my family. Yes he’s not me but he said he was going to do that - “I will not lose you” but where is the action. He’s offered a stable place to stay and he didn’t go and he talks but doesn’t act on his words. But how if that’s it and this is us finished - how do I do that - how do I move on.

That’s an argument as to why we shouldn’t care about him (which I obviously don’t) but doesn’t change it being stressful to him. What he deserves is irrelevant to how he feels and behaves

Im sorry that this has been so awful.

the thing about separation is- it’s separation. You care about him, probably still love him, but he’s left and you can focus on YOUR life. Not his. His life only matters to the extent that he impacts the children, and even then, your role is containment, not control.

you're separated. You can’t control what he does. Telling him to get counselling and a rental is quite a lot more controlling and unrealistic than you seem to acknowledge- lots of people won’t get counselling.

Many people are extremely avoidant and in denial. A counsellor can’t fix them, and counselling won’t be effective unless they are engaged and ready to develop.

Moving on takes a lot of time. Unfortunately it’s not going to be easy in the short term. Is this something you could explore with your counsellor? I am sure it would be massively helpful to do so as you are really emotionally mature.

Sorry that you're getting a harsh response by some on here @12345l
You know that you've done the right thing for you and your DC and that's the most important issue here. Your DC are supporting you having him leave and you, from all you've said, have been dealing with a man who has been abusive and difficult to live with for a long time.

Your question is why isn't he trying to put things/himself right now that he's losing everything? That is what you are having difficulty with - yes?
Generally this falls into several categories/reasons - all of which are down to him 100%
Men behave like lost lambs because:
They're lazy & don't want to do the 'work' of becoming better people; they like how their life is (abuse and all) because that is what their life expectation is and it suits them;
They're happy with everyone living in fear;
They know from previous experience that if they present as pathetic enough then the partner will take them back with some weak promises and with absolutely no intention of changing - life returns to their established 'normal' pretty quickly and hey presto! they're in a win/win normal.

The number of abusive partners who I see using their 'mental health' issues as an excuse and as a method of control over partners and children is astonishingly high. The few who agree to establish a proper MH diagnosis broadly come out as 10% positive for ASD/ADHD/BPD etc. The rest are about 50-60% product of poor parenting/abused themselves and the rest are abusive because that's just their personality type & do it because they like it. I can normally identify type before assessment.
Those who do actually have proven MH issues and are products of poor childhoods can be helped with meds/therapy but only if they're willing to put the work in everyday of the rest of their lives.
Sadly many choose not to change or help themselves and move on using the same moves to entice other partners into being their 'support systems' or continue to abuse their families because the family think that with just enough love then a 'sufferer' will see the light. It's really sad actually how the abuse continues to perpetuate itself and you can't help these people. The 30-40% who just 'choose' to be bad partners can not be helped because they do it because they like it - there will always be another victim around the corner or on a dating app.

If some one has done everything they can to help someone with MH issues (real or affected) and when it dominates everything else in day to day life, then it is time to end things. You can give yourself permission to do this @12345l - it's ok.

Op, you're going through hell. I'm so sorry for you all. He's clearly very depressed and depressed people don't look to fix things, unfortunately, as they have no hope that things can be fixed. It's not a reflection on how much he loves you all, he's just hit a wall of despair.
Being depressed can make a person very self-centred. They can't think outside of their own misery.
Having said all that, if he isn't going to seek help, you are going to have to grieve the husband you once had and move on somehow for the sake of your kids.
My heart goes out to you, Op. Don't listen to any negativity on this thread; some people are just nasty.

My money is on him assuming you'll just take him back, whether he does the work or not. Stand firm.