Have kicked DH out but..

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On Sunday I asked my husband to leave.
its been a long on and off issue since some family tragedies. His behaviour has been one of self preservation and lacking empathy. I’ve been trying to help by supporting him and talking to him. He’s been to a man’s talk group and did see the gp but as this has been on and off he hasn’t quite grasped the affects. Anyway Sunday he was very unkind with his choice of words and made me cry. Didn’t acknowledge my upset and kept trying to defend wha he said and that it was true and I couldn’t argue. All whilst I was crying. it resulted in me saying I had enough and eventually be left.

To put it into context we have teenage kids. They agree that he had to go and that we have given him enough chances. He apologised and said he takes full accountability and in response I said show us by getting yourself somewhere to live and some proper counselling. 5 days on and he hasn’t done either. He’s leaning on the side of “we are better off without him and maybe we should part ways” The kids and I adore him - I’ve been with him half my life and can’t see why he isn’t fighting for us. The kids are devastated. I’m heartbroken. I know you will say he doesn’t deserve us and we are better off without etc. I would say the same but what I don’t understand is the lack of trying. Has anyone encountered this? Why has he lost the ability to want to try if we truly mean that much to him. I’m dumbfounded and so distraught. We built such an amazing life until this all started.

be keen to hear anyone’s helpful advice or similar stories please x

He is being abusive towards you and the children so it is right that he leaves. I would contact the women’s refuge centre and ask for their advice. Because when he runs out of money, he will return home and the abuse will continue. I hope you do make contact and get the help you need. Sending hugs to you and your children 🌺

I have to ask - did it actually drudge up unresolved trauma for him, or was he frustrated because you were grieving and unable to support you and give you what you needed in your grief?

My ex husband became unbearable when I was grieving. He couldn’t cope with not being the centre of my attention and tried to make my loss all about him. He blamed unresolved trauma too, but really he was just mad that his appliance was broken.

I think it is quite normal for men especially to shut down after rejection / family breakdown. Their ego is hurt by their partner rejecting them. They retaliate eg guilting the children about his living arrangements. Be very cold or distant including with dc. Even drop all childcare responsibilities.

It may also be that his vile behaviour has been deliberate - even if unconsciously so - to make you make him leave so he didn’t have to be the bad guy who ended it. It’s quite possible he wanted out because family life wasn’t fun and easy anymore and he’s too lazy or selfish a person to support you and put the work in. In which case he won’t fight to get you back because this is what he secretly wanted to go back to being able to put himself first. This is what my exH did make our lives a misery with his moods but too cowardly to end it himself then disappeared into a life of being able to do what he wanted when he wanted without a backward glance. He wasn’t depressed just lazy and selfish.

Put your energy into yourself and undoing the damage caused to your dc. Get your finances sorted as a single parent. Give your dc the calm home they want and need.