Can cheating sex addict husband change?

[LovingDog]

My husband has been cheating on me for around 4 years. Multiple online sexting loads of women every day - some from his past. I don’t know if anything physical has happened and I don’t believe a word he says. I just found some of the messages - tip of the iceburg. Can someone overcome sex addiction like this and be faithful?

In my experience no, they just get more sneaky. The key here is that you found the messages…did he come to you and confess all and beg for forgiveness as he felt so bad and wanted to change…no. If you hadn’t found out then he would still be doing it. Imagine the level of deception that goes into that. In my experience it just gets worse and goes more secretive, Every time he works late or laughs cheekily at a message your mind will go nuts and you will ruin the relationship anyway by constantly accusing. He didn’t respect you enough to consider you and therapy is just a tick box exercise to keep you involved. If he really wants to do that then tell him to move out for some time to ‘work on himself’. You will see the true him then. You will get trickle truths and eventually will be expected to ‘put it behind you’ and not bring it up as it annoys him, Set some clear boundaries for yourself…boundaries are not flexible…go with your head and not your heart, sending hugs, it’s an awful situation x

No.

Sex addict no.

Inability to form a long term loving relationship where he is honest with his partner or take responsibilities for his actions, Yes

If he respected you he would have sought help within those four years. He only wants help now he’s been caught.

I wouldn’t even try to move past this, he’s shown how little he thinks of you and your marriage.

No. If he loved you and prioritised you ge would have wanted help 4 years ago.

Addiction is like an illness and I genuinely feel for ppl with addictive personalities (you either have one or you dont)
But I dont believe sex addiction is a thing

I think it would be very hard for him to change. Also, you found the messages he didn't come and tell you because he felt so terrible about it. Doing it every day for 4 years is a very long and established habit to get out of.

I think it would be detrimental to your mental health to try get him to change. It might be that he just gets cleverer and more sneaky about it.

Sorry you are going through this. It's horrible.

"I don't believe a word he says" - is the correct answer.

No, he's far more likely to lie and string you along than the vanishingly small chance that he would change.

Especially now - before he did it knowing that you might leave if you found out. Now you've found out and if you don't leave, he'll actually be more reassured to continue that behaviour rather than stop it.

The word addict is I’m afraid often used to absolve someone of taking responsibility. I’d walk. No question.

Can cheating sex addict husband change? Yes, into a cheating sex addict ex-husband.

Personal experience yes they absolutely can. They need to put in the work though, it doesnt happen over night. I see someone else has already reccomended Chris jones therapy I absolutely second this. Your partner will need to dive in whole heartedly to minwhalla therapy.

I'd reccomend helping couples heal podcast for the both of you and even if you leave please priotise your healing.

Why jump to 'sex addiction' ?

Thats a reach.

Or is he talking that guff as an excuse?

Because I'm sorry op but it's much more likely he just doesn't give a shit about you. He's only sorry he's been caught. Because now he might lose his kushy life.

No therapist can therapist empathy into a person. Or, respect or love or general basic human decency.

He doesn't have these things. If it was a sex addiction and he did, he could have told you. He didn't. If he cheated once he could have told you then and asked if therapy was possible. But he didn't.

He doesn't want to change. He just wants to con you back into ignorance.

He doesn't care a jot about you. Infact, he's been laughing at you for years. Sorry hon. But you deserve better. Don't flog the dead horse. Choose yourself and get free of the vile letch.

He's not a sex addict. He just doesn't like you. And even if he were a sex addict, that's not the issue...the issue is...Well again, that he just doesn't like you.

The pecker takes priority.
No he won’t change.

I would ask you why you feel it's ok that you don't leave this creature?
You deserve so much better. Please leave this creature and find yourself a lovely man.
Look for counselling for yourself too.

There's the so called "sex addiction" and then there's the lying.

Which of you decided this was a case of "sex addiction"?

If it was him, how convenient...

If it was you, ask yourself why you decided this is his issue and not the lying, and also ask yourself if you are a victim of the sunk cost fallacy.

Can he?

Yes.

Will he?

No.

thats a positive sign my husabnd has different problems that drive me to a catastrophic breakdown but he refuses any therapy or marriage counselling

It sounds like a very poor excuse for awful behaviour.
However, if you really need to be sure, let him put his money where his mouth is. He’s saying he’ll get treatment, what has he actually done about that?
If he was serious about changing, he’s had more than 24 hours since you posted, that’s enough time for him to have found, contacted and made an appointment with a therapist. Has he done that?
If he’s that desperate to make amends and save the marriage, wouldn’t he have taken action by now?

I’m not convinced, btw, that sex addiction is a thing, or that therapy can change a self obsessed user into a decent person, but maybe he believes that he can change with help. So if he still hasn’t sought that help I’d be assuming that actually, it’s all hot air, and that he’ll say anything he thinks you’ll swallow, but won’t put himself out by doing anything about it.

Personally, I’d feel disgusted by his behaviour and not want him anywhere near me ever again.

Nope. Bin him.

And get STD checks.

I'm sorry to hear your op and it must be upsetting for you. If these are his words and not you paraphrasing, he is putting the solution on your not taking responsibility. Just doing enough to keep you as satisfied will not change behaviour or rebuild the trust between you.

I'm another who doesn't believe that sex addiction is a thing. I think it's used as a get out clause by people who have cheated but don't want to take full responsibility for their actions. The good old 'I couldn't help myself' response.

I would have taken his 'I'll do whatever it takes' more seriously if he hadn't tried to absolve himself by calling it an 'addiction', thus giving you hope he could be treated. If you call it 'cheating' you rule out any hope of pretending to recover, don't you?

No

He can change, yes. But probably for the worse. Likely with escalating behaviours, increasingly poor treatment of you, possible STDs, setting an appalling example for any poor children caught up in this, and likely eventually leaving you.

No. You'll never have another seconds peace.

If he actually thought he had an uncontrolled unwanted addiction that he needed and wanted to seek help for then he would have. He is just saying what he thinks you want to hear and what he thinks will convince you to tolerate his cheating ways.

ask yourself why he waited for you to catch him before deciding he needed help.

Can he change? Maybe.

But don’t stick around to find out. He’s taking the absolute piss out of you. Let him go and seek therapy…just not on your watch.

Yes 100% people can definitely change

but will they and do they want to is always 50/50