Am I wrong to feel so angry about this

[Nursingthefuture90]

Hi all,
My husband and I both work full time and have 6 beautiful, lively children between the ages of 6 and 12. I love him dearly and we normally make a fantastic team, sharing all chores.
One thing that he does repeatedly that makes me extremely cross and frustrated, is fall asleep in the early evening. We both work similar hours and are out of the house early taking children to school and both back by 5pm latest. We both have fairly physical jobs but neither of us have any health conditions. He consistently shares the cooking/tidying then says he’s exhausted and wanders off upstairs to bed where he falls asleep instantly, leaving me to get all the children to bed and sort stuff for the
morning. This is anywhere between 5pm and 8pm. We have fallen out many a time due to this and he always apologises and says he didn’t mean to fall asleep. But in my mind, wandering up to the bedroom and lying down indicates he actually has every intention of going for a sleep. It makes me feel shit, like he’s tired and is able to go and relax because I’ll pick up the slack.
I tend to go to bed about 9-11, when everyone is asleep.
He also falls asleep in his work uniform, which I know he would have a serious problem with me doing as I work in health, and he is a tradesman.
Am I in the wrong here?!

Yes he does a hard physical job and needs sleep no one just falls asleep in work clothes to puss their wife off he's knackered. Now you may well be just as knackered and handling it better butcould you physically do his job? My husband is a builder and I wouldn't last an hour at his job it's brutal.

No, I don't think you are in the wrong. I would have a serious discussion with him, stressing that you don't want him to go up to the bedroom. It's so obvious he is sleeping, probably because he's tired but also to get out of having to put the kids to bed. plus, as a separate matter, I really wouldn't like all his work uniform germs all over the bed. If he's that tired, he can doze on the sofa after he's done his share of putting children to bed.

is he then asleep for the night or does he conveniently spring back to life once the kids are sorted?

Does he come back down? How long is he asleep for?

He shouldn’t have had 6 children if he didn’t want to put them to bed. I’m sure he’s exhausted, he’s made a series of choices that make your lives very tiring. So? He doesn’t get to fuck for a lie down when children need looking after and stuff needs doing. Buy a fog horn.

I need about 3 hours more sleep than my husband, so even though we work more or less the same hours and his job is way more physically demanding than mine, I always go to bed much earlier than him.

Caveat being that I'm not leaving him to pick up any slack. Is he doing more at the weekends so you can go to bed early/sleep in? It could be that he genuinely needs more sleep, but if that's the case he needs to balance it out elsewhere as much as possible.

No, you’re not being unreasonable. I’m sure he’s knackered - doubtless you both are - but he has six children and he can’t just go to bed and leave you with a huge chunk of their care to do alone. I would go and wake him up and say “neither of us can knock off yet, the children are still up and there are lunches/bags/washing to sort”. Or suggest you take it in turns to abdicate at 5pm, see how he likes them apples.

So he sleeps about 11 hrs every night?!

I second the suggestion to take it in turns to go to bed at 6pm. It would be better to point out that, by working together of an evening, you could both clock off around 9pm and both get a good rest. But suspect he'd simply drop off while 'trying to help' - if you leave it all him every other day, he'll have to at least get most of it sorted.

Thanks for all your replies, he’s not a builder, he’s a plumber, so not as physical.
Half the time he stays asleep for the rest of the night, half the time he wakes when the house is quiet and realises he’s left me to deal with everything.
No he doesn’t make up for it any other times, at weekends we’re both up at similar times.

Or ... tell him this is untenable so, as he's unable to handle having a family, you're jointly paying for someone to come in every weekday evening and do the cleanup, washing, prep, etc.

I was like that. I had undiagnosed breast cancer.

Are you SURE there is nothing medically wrong?

Is he overweight? Clutching at straws but my ex used to fall asleep all the time and it was sleep apnoea.

Could you ask him to just go to bed at 8? Or take a half hour power nap when he gets in, but then gets up

He must be knackered. Going to bed in your work uniform isn't what people do for fun.

Could you take it in turns to go to bed an hour or two early?

I have consistently told him to go to the GP re possible sleep apnoea but he won’t as it’s not normal to be this tired, despite our busy lives.
He is overweight and I suspect this has something to do with it also.

He sounds selfish and lazy. Why is he more important than you and are left to do the donkey work? Surely he knows having 6 children is a lot of work? I would wake him up every single time he does it. If they children were older and more independent then l would be tempted to go to bed as well

He must feel he has permission to slack off if he goes up to bed ….rather than work to get things done and go

Doing all the bedtime routine and morning prep for six children isn’t what people do for fun, either. Especially after a full day’s work. Only OP doesn’t have the option of taking to her bed at 5pm, because someone has to do it.

To give him the benefit of the doubt, he should rule out any medical cause for his tiredness. To do this, he needs to go to the doctor - but you can’t make him. It’s really not fair on you to do all this, he should be surviving on 8 hours sleep, so even going to bed at 9pm every night would be better, if there is nothing medically wrong. Time for another frank discussion.

Thanks all, I will have a serious discussion with him when he eventually wakes up.
what’s also frustrating is that on the odd occasion I go out or have to work late, he still falls asleep early while all the kids are awake and leaves them to fend for themselves.

Wouldn't that class as neglect?

That’s outright neglect and it has to stop before someone gets hurt. He has to go to his GP and be assessed for sleep apnoea, and he has to do something about his weight. Whether it’s laziness or poor health, it’s making him a shit father and he needs to take responsibility for himself.

Maybe a quick not too hot shower would revive him? That’s what I used to do sometimes when I was flagging in the early evening when my kids were small. Their dad used to take over whilst I was doing that of course.

I think I would be more concerned than angry (still angry though).

But to not even be able to get out of his work stuff is pretty concerning.

Have you tried waking him up?

If he’s not going to visit the gp (he absolutely should), could he go straight for a nap as soon as he gets in for 1 or 2 hours and then wake up and take over the parenting and cleaning etc?

Yeah I’m concerned too as well as upset. I work in healthcare and can see things that worry me, ie the weight and exhaustion.
We did a blood test which came back as anaemic, so I bought a load of iron tablets which he took for about 6 days. None since. But we’ve talked about it before and he just listens and doesn’t go to the doctors (despite him having no issues going when he hurt his back and needed pain relief).
I have tried to wake him many a time and he just doesn’t wake up, or rouses himself and then falls back to sleep.
I’ll let you all know what happens when I speak to him.