Am I wrong to feel so angry about this

[Nursingthefuture90]

Hi all,
My husband and I both work full time and have 6 beautiful, lively children between the ages of 6 and 12. I love him dearly and we normally make a fantastic team, sharing all chores.
One thing that he does repeatedly that makes me extremely cross and frustrated, is fall asleep in the early evening. We both work similar hours and are out of the house early taking children to school and both back by 5pm latest. We both have fairly physical jobs but neither of us have any health conditions. He consistently shares the cooking/tidying then says he’s exhausted and wanders off upstairs to bed where he falls asleep instantly, leaving me to get all the children to bed and sort stuff for the
morning. This is anywhere between 5pm and 8pm. We have fallen out many a time due to this and he always apologises and says he didn’t mean to fall asleep. But in my mind, wandering up to the bedroom and lying down indicates he actually has every intention of going for a sleep. It makes me feel shit, like he’s tired and is able to go and relax because I’ll pick up the slack.
I tend to go to bed about 9-11, when everyone is asleep.
He also falls asleep in his work uniform, which I know he would have a serious problem with me doing as I work in health, and he is a tradesman.
Am I in the wrong here?!

Being anaemic and male has a greater risk of something more dangerous being the cause as they don’t have monthly cycles etc. and it can make you extremely tired. Being anaemic myself and b12 deficiency it’s so so hard to continue doing chores etc in the evening. If he is anemic it would be worth finding out the cause.

Why do you have to put up with the consequences of him not doing anything about it?!

I think he should be checked for basic health conditions. I used to survive on huge amounts of caffeine and going to bed stupidly early but then realised I had iron deficiency anemia. There are so many conditions that cause fatigue.

You could also ease him into helping by giving him a strong coffee day twice a week and asking him to at first just help on those nights and then build it up.

Having had a history of anemia I can vouch for how tired I was all the time. 6 days is not enough time for the tablets to kick in. And as he is male, he needs a check up to find out why he is so tired.

However, it is clear he is also giving himself permission to opt out of the family evening routine. I could often fall asleep sooner than I do, because I dont lie down in bed til things are done. And sleeping in the clothes he has been working in is gross. I would tell him that he does not get to go to bed until the kids are sorted, and if he feels he cant, he needs to go to the doctor.

Why is he even still wearing his work clothes at that point- surely cooking at eating dinner in them is even worse than going to bed in them. My dad was a plumber and changed first thing.

He might need an investigation into why his iron levels are low and has he had his blood glucose done?

If he won't seek medical help then he'll have to pull his weight.

It would really annoy me, but I also appreciate other people need more sleep than I do

Get him to get a blood test.

Exhaustion can be a sign of anaemia.

He Obviously needs it. When people do a labour intensive job and they sit down and instantly fall asleep, they’re sleep deprived.

Another visit to the doctor and a thorough blood test is needed.

If he could hold out, and go to bed early, say 9pm that would be good, although understandably it’s hard for some people to do that.

Whilst he is having his health investigated can you get him into a routine of showering as soon as he gets in? That will get him out of his work clothes and might help to keep him awake. Then can you train a couple of the kids to go and chat to him/ ask him to help them with something/jump on him, so that he can't go to sleep??? They could have a rota and take it in turns . . .

He needs to stop going up the stairs before everything is done. And needs to get changed when he gets home, maybe the shower will wake him up a bit? When he goes upstairs, I’d be asking, getting him to come back down until everything is done. He may want to go to bed earlier than you, which is fine, but it shouldn’t leave you to do all the evening routine on your own

I would push harder for him to see the GP, it's not normal for him to be so tired and he needs to have it investigated. Sleep apnoea is dangerous and increases the risk of heart attack and stroke if left untreated. Underactive thyroid can make you tired too. I'm sure there are other conditions and just realised that you said you work in health care so you probably know all this already!

Yeah this isn’t fair. He’s obviously struggling - but he needs to sort this out as it’s not your job to entirely pick up the slack. GP and address this.
to add - my DP is significantly overweight. Would he fuck disappear off to bed and leave me to do everything!!

I would tell him he either goes back on his tablets or stays awake and helps . Falling asleep at that time is not an option . And preferably a Drs appointment to rule anything else out too .

He is anaemic but doesn't take the iron?
Has his anaemia been properly investigated with proper tests organised by a doctor?

Has he been checked for diabetes? DH was exhausted before his diagnosis - he would sleep for hours every afternoon despite sleeping 8-9 hours at night.

No tests have been done despite me asking him to go to the doctors. It’s worse when I’m a nurse and know damn well there could be something out of the ordinary.
I heard our youngest child telling him earlier that he needs a nap, next thing I know he’s upstairs sleeping at 5.30! He roused at about 8 and checked the youngest was in bed (of course I’d already done it) and then promptly fell asleep again on the sofa. And this is a regular occurrence.
I will talk to him about resentment building and how he either needs to get his health checked at the doctors, or stay away and bloody help. Thanks for all your messages.

I'm sorry but that's woefully ignorant of you. Plumbing is physically very hard, crawling around under things, picking up heavy shit, climbing it's really really hard work. Not saying he gets to skip bedtime every day but the man's clearly knackered

We could debate whether working on a building site as a hod carrier/ being a scaffolder/ repairing roads is more tiring than being a plumber.
But the issue here is the OPs husband ;his level of fatigue is not normal for anyone working in those trades.
I wonder how bad his anaemia is and the cause.

I think there’s definitely something physical going on - I had to almost force my DH to the GP and it turned out his blood sugars were so high that we got a phone call at 11pm that night telling him they were sending an ambulance to take him to A&E to get him on an insulin drip.

@Nursingthefuture90 please read him this if you think it will help.

I lost my DH at 58 because he would not see the GP. It began with anaemia.

I begged him to go. He said ""yeah I will" but didn't until one day at a work social (aged 56) he got a mouthful of food stuck in his gullet.
The effect on the children (11, 15 and 20 at the time) has been devastating.
I have lost my team mate and I can never replace that. If I had my time back I would tell him see the GP or I'm gone.

For you - my DH continued to do all the things in a very physically demanding life. When his blood results came in the doc was shocked he was still able to stand.

As your DH is probably younger it's likely something less awful and manageable.

Sending love.

I’m the kind of person who can nap and there are times I don’t want to do dinner and bed, but you know what, it’s not an option, it has to be done! He is being incredibly selfish. He needs to get himself to the doctors but before that, he needs to step up and help with the nighttime routine.

I've read your posts, but cant see anywhere you have woken him up so he can share the evening chores?

It’s not common for men to be anaemic. He needs to take his health seriously, he is a father of 6 kids and needs to stay healthy and be around.

6 children between 6 and 12?! That sounds exhausting! Do you have sets of multiples? What are the age gaps?