Imbalanced marriage

[LivingsustainablyW1]

Morning

long time lurker here.

I need to understand how I can get more financial freedom and mutuality with my husband. We’ve been married a while but he won’t let me access much financial information and it’s all guarded by his personal accountant.

what can I do to encourage more financial mutuality? It’s a barrier in our relationship and I’m getting very frustrated.

xx

Tell him you're seeing a solicitor and employing a forensic accountant.

How long have you been married?.

Do you work outside the home?.

Financial abuse is a common tactic used by abusers to gain power and control in a relationship. The forms of financial abuse may be subtle or overt but in general, include tactics to conceal information, limit the victim’s access to assets, or reduce accessibility to the family finances.

He likely thinks that what is his money is his and his alone. This is deliberate on his part and he does not want to share.

I would seriously consider seeking legal advice re separation and divorce along with hiring a forensic accountant of your own. This is no marriage that you want to remain in. I would also contact Women's Aid because such men are rarely solely financially abusive. How is your marriage on a day to day basis; does he show his contempt in other ways also?.

What does this mean though? What’s a forensic accountant? Won’t that make him more guarded? He just thinks I want information to renegotiate our prenup

Can you tell us more about your financial situation?
Do you work?
Do you have children?
Who owns the house?
Who is the biggest earner?
Have either of you been married before?

And away from the financial side of things, how is the relationship?
Does he help in the house, with childcare (if you have children) etc?
How does he treat you?

What is his background? Is his money from his “family”, how does his family treat you?

I see you have updated to say you have a pre-nup? Why was that? Did you take advice before signing it?

How are bills split?

He's already guarded and otherwise hiding financial information from you.

A forensic accountant will investigate financial discrepancies, fraud and misconduct. Such a person could be very useful to your own self.

Did your H pressure you into signing a pre nuptial agreement?. Such things do not always carry much weight in the UK but you need legal advice re this too if you signed one.

I had legal advice before the prenup. It’s generous and I’m not worried about that. I don’t want to get divorced. He’s a good husband and father other than this financial stuff.

Married 9 years. 2 kids. Have my own business which I run myself but he pays for everything as he has family money and a family office for support.

I just don’t understand whether it’s fine and normal for me to not to have the information. I want to know more about our finances.

I look into getting a forensic accountant but nothing is coming suitable is coming up when I search. How will I find someone I can trust?

He is not either a good husband nor father to his kids if you are being treated like this.

What happens to the money you make from your business?. Does it get swallowed up on buying things for yourself and the kids?. Who keeps the books for your business. You may find such an accountant that way or through contacting a solicitors.

Do not get hung up too much in this whole pre nup thing. Did you sign this in the Uk?. The fact is you are married and assets are jointly owned. If either your son or daughter described this sort of marriage to you as adults how would you feel?. You could want better for them.

I was with my partner for 5 years, we had a shared pot, guarded my finances too because of a previous marriage that drained me.

What is the reason behind you knowing or having access? This is important to know? You already have a prenup so I do not see the reason you would want to be in the know unless you are not secure financially(you do seem like you are and you are not a SAHW). You say our (is he guarding his personal/family office finance or what you actually share)

You seem lucky he pays for everything and you also have a beneficial prenup which you are secure about

This video came to mind for me: https://www.tiktok.com/@joseferreresq/video/7585616409481301262

her own money "Does it get swallowed up on buying things for yourself and the kids?"

she said he pays for everything so It's coming off like she just want to know how much he actually has

OP, you say quite clearly what you want - freedom and mutuality. When it comes to money, you don't have that and you feel uneasy.

Have you asked for it directly with suggestions about how to make it work in practice e.g. setting up passwords for you etc. so you have access to balance sheets, statements and so on?

I’ve asked for access to financial information (such as how much he has in his savings) and he’s never actually refused but always changes topic so it’s never addressed.

maybe I don’t need it, I just find it uneasy that there’s this whole lot of information that my husband has that I don’t see. I don’t know anything about our family finances.

maybe I should just be grateful that he pays for everything. I don’t know what to think.

my idea of a marriage is different, my parents shared everything.

Well if he dies before you and you inherit you will need it, or if he cheats and you decide to divorce, he will have to provide it on Form E.

It sounds like that is not where you're at right now.

That parents shared everything is your measure of a good relationship. So that fact he's not following through matters to you. Do you feel comfortable spelling this out to him and asking for follow through?

As you say, every marriage is different. I am retired, dh works so pays for everything. We each spend what we need, there’s never been an issue. He doesn’t have a steady income so the situation changes all the time anyway. We have separate accounts as well as a joint one, and I have asked to merge these so I can easily see if I want to. I can’t say he’s hurrying to do that but he’s agreed and I’m not letting him off the hook.

You need to make a big thing of this as it’s upsetting you. Do not let him change the subject, pin him down. If he doesn’t want to give you details, you need him to explain exactly why.

It really depends on your view of marriage.

If you believe in separate independant (but still fair) finances then you don't need to know and current situation sounds fair.

But if you are like me and believe a marriage means all assets and money are family money then you have every right to know. I would never marry under these circumstances.

If you wanted full access and he wouldn't provide it at the time honestly you shouldn't have married him. All you can do now is have an honest conversation with him and hope he understands and trusts you

@LivingsustainablyW1 I presume you aren't in the UK as prenups are not valid in UK law.

My opinion, for what it's worth is that I would have happily given every penny to my wife. There were no secrets, she knew, and had access to everything. We worked together on a stronger future. I had two houses going in, and she had one, we bought a fourth together. Didn't make a shred of difference to me, I would have shared all of it with her.

i want this. We’re an international family.

If he has enough money to have a family office and doesn't want you to know, I think you're on a hiding to nothing and no good will come of this.

He will lawyer up if you get a forensic accountant in.

I can see why you want to know and be treated like an equal but do you want to be divorced?

I didn't see how I could enter a marriage, which is essentially saying "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my days with you, 'till death us do part" and not including everything in that statement.

As it happens, death did part us, but it doesn't change a thing. I would have given her everything.

Thanks everyone, it’s helpful to have some balanced views. I think two things can be true - I am very lucky that my husband financial supports our family without question and also, I am deeply unhappy about the lack of financial information that I am privy to.

I’ve decided to get some specialist advice from a financial advocate that’s been recommended to me, who specialises in individuals in imbalanced relationships with wealthy spouses/family offices but am going to tread v carefully and probably hide it from him. Not decided on that yet.

maybe I just need someone I trust to confirm that I should not worry about it.

Things to worry about would be provision if you divorce.

So would you like be able to house yourself & DC?

What pension arrangements are in place for you?

It's really all about security, especially as you age. There's plenty of examples on here of women suddenly needing to work in their 50s, when it's harder to find a job.

If you have enough money to live independently, then more money is a just "nice to have". If you're going to be destitute, then action is required.

Taking independent advice sounds good. I am sorry you're in this situation and I hope you can get some clarity from your husband.

I had similar situation in my marriage. Eventually divorced. He lied on form E, failed to disclose assets. I had no idea of most of the assets and couldn’t afford a forensic accountant. Ended up with lesser settlement. If he was an honest man with decent feelings towards you he would share this information.

Just sending an update to say that I had personalised advice yesterday - someone went through all my documents with me and I feel so much better. I now know I’m actually very financially secure even if thing changes in the future (cheating etc.) honestly I think his ‘family office’ are just making things unnecessarily difficult to understand.