Slow responder

[Jokethecoalwoman]

Last week I had a very good night with a guy I'd been interested in for a while. We didn't DTD but lots of kissing, cuddling etc.
Since then we've messaged a couple of times, nice cute messages....but he takes hours/days to reply.

I'm probably massively overthinking things and I do have insecurities that I'm trying to work on but is slow responding normal? An indication of how he feels about me?

He is quite introverted and definitely not a "player" (I've known him for a while).

But because of my own insecurities I jump to conclusions that it's about me. Suddenly gone off me, etc.

Slow responding....any advice?

If he wants you, you won’t be in any doubt. Good luck x

He is either not that bothered or has other things on his mind. Whatever it is, you are clearly not his priority atm. Men who are keen don't ever leave you guessing.

He might limit his phone use while he is busy so not replying for hours is acceptable. If he really isn’t replying for days then it’s fair to say he isn’t really interested in a relationship with you. Even if he is and thinks minimal contact is fine, that isn’t what you are looking for, so you are incompatible.

Your definition of ‘slow response’ is hours/days to respond to a text …. Which one is it?

Was he slow to respond before anything happened?
My now DH was and still is always slow to respond, he thinks it rude to use your phone around others and it often sits in one room while we are in another, he just doesn't care for it. Some people just aren't glued to their phones.

Believe it or not some people aren’t glued to their phones 24/7 and don’t instantly respond to every message. I can take several days to respond - some people are not big on messaging between dates.

Have you arranged another date? I’d pay more attention to how he is in person rather than judging by messaging.

It doesn’t matter why he does it. What matters is that it makes you don’t like it. You want someone who texts more frequently, which is entirely up to you, which makes you incompatible in this regard.

I’ve been single about two years now, and what has taken me a while to get to and recognise, is the blissful peace of it. No stressing myself ever about why or why not some bloke does or doesn’t do that.

so, for me, and where I’m at now, if I wanted to date, I would have thought no thanks to these feelings you have now. And ended it.

also with his way of texting and your response, when he does text, you will have a wave of anxiety being released which you risk misdirecting as butterflies/a spark.

Maybe he just doesn't like chatting via text.

I hate it. I'll actually tell people I'm dating early on though that I don't like using text for conversational purposes so I generally won't really do it just to chat. But if I wasn't great at communicating or stating my boundaries I could see me just being slow to reply and hoping they get the hint.

Just ask him next time you see him. 'I notice you're a slow responder to texts. Do you not like chatting that way?'

^^ What does he do for a living, not everyone can be in contact all the time

I'm another one who just doesn't message much, or frequently. And as per a pp, I tell people upfront so that they don't expect me to.

If he used to be really quick to reply but then his messaging habits change massively, that may mean something.

If he's always just been slow to respond, it's probably just how he uses his phone, and no correlation at all with how much he likes you.

But if it bothers you, have a conversation and agree reasonable expectations, or just end it if you're not that bothered yourself.

I’m a slow responder and that bothers some people, I simply couldn’t date those people because we’re not compatible.
But I also don’t think lots of messaging is required in the early days of dating. If he’s organising/inviting you to things and sending the odd check in message? That sounds reasonable to me.

If you need lots of contact try telling him in a gentle way, if he’s interested he’ll up his communication a bit.

Good luck!

Why don't you ask him?

It's just about different communication styles - not necessarily a reflection of how someone feels. I am a slow responder because I am really busy, other stuff is happening, I don't like to be chained to my phone. My friends and family know my style so no one gets offended. I don't ignore them, I'm just not an instant responder. It might just be his style. We don't all have to be plugged into the matrix at all times. I think if it is something that is massively important to you, you should talk to him.

So you have had one date and now you want him messaging you every 5 mins? Girl, this is what puts men off. Stop being clingy.

The point is one person is setting the communication pattern in a way that does not meet the other person’s needs so there’s a mismatch. You feel neglected and worried. We don’t know how he feels. There is an incompatibility already. He may be a good snogger in person but will you be happy if this pattern continues? Especially if you DTD?

I’ve wasted 3yrs of my life (well not wasted, but this guy lives in my head rent free and it drives me mad) with someone like this. Personally I think it takes 30 seconds to reply to a message, and fact he doesn’t wouldn’t fill me to excitement that he is as keen. My guy is from work, so can’t even block him as i’d still see him, but I am moving 250 miles away this year and I can’t wait that I won’t have to see him. He still messages me now and then, sometimes he replies once or twice, other times 2wks later. FFS.

That said. You only just met this guy, he could just be busy.

If this is a new change, he lost interest because he didn't get full sex or enjoy the session. Some guys cool off when they realise it's more effort than they have to offer. He probably thought he pulled all the cards to have full sex but you still didn't go all the way, he has nothing more to top it and can't keep up the act longer.

No if he was keen you’d know, men don’t delay replying to someone they want.
you could just ask him ?

I did. I was too afraid of writing the wrong thing, it'd paralyse me a bit, and take me ages to reply. This went on for a couple of days until I left a gap so long that I felt I couldn't text again, so that was that.

Luckily for me I bumped into her again, and had the good sense to apologise and explain what was going on. She agreed to give me another chance and we decided stick to phone conversation for a while.

I am big texter myself and I understand everyone has different styles/priorities. However, there is a big difference between hours and days. Hours is normal if he is working or doesn't have anything specific to respond to. Days is totally different. That could make the conversations lose momentum and shows lack of interest. Next time ask him his preferred texting style, share yours, and then agree on what is acceptable for both, so that he doesn't feel pressure and you don't get negative thoughts.

If he wanted too, he would is the mantra in our group.

That's not true really is it? If she's insecure she will have doubts regardless.
Life isn't like the movies.

OP- you have to find someone you are compatible with. Give it time, but if he's just a slow responder in general, whether he likes you or not, you have to decide whether that's something you can cope with. If it's going to have you constantly questioning yourself and worrying that you're not enough, then he might not be for you, and that's OK. But its early days, just give it a bit of time and try not to overthink it

Imagine the two of you living together. Would you be messaging each other when you see each other all the time because you live together? No. There would be no question about compatibility due to message response time, because messaging should be dead by then.

I wouldn't hinge the basis of a relationship over message response time, because messaging should be a means to an end, to get to the point where messaging is no longer required.

I would just not engage much now until he asks to see you again. If he misses this week he’s not interested.

He may not be a typical player that doesn’t mean he’d still be interested in more than one night. Perhaps he thought he wanted to have more of a connection but changed his mind, or it was on offer, it took the opportunity but not interested in anything further, he doesn’t want to give the impression he wants a relationship and just something casual, unfortunately less men want something serious.
He doesn’t need to be a player to still have these preferences.
Super interested men that can’t wait to see you again don’t leave you hanging, of course if it’s just hours yabu but days, nah he’s not keen.