Finances and what is fair

[Greenhouseglass]

I’ve fucked up massively by waiting this long to sort but I’d appreciate your advice.
Married Dh last year. He has 2 dc’s he has 50% of the time. I have 3 dc’s I have 100% of the time.
Dh lives in house 1 with his dc.
I live in house 2 with my dc.
Dh owns both houses and pays mortgage on both.

I pay all bills and maintenance of house 2.
We both work full time, but dh earns 3x more than me not including bonuses.
Dh stays in house 2 50% of the time when he doesn’t have his dc.

Dh has considerably more disposable income than me.
I have to watch how much I spend and I save for birthdays/xmas/days out etc. After all bills are paid I have around £100 spare a month which I use for my nails and hair.

He spends alot on himself, designer clothes, take aways, nice wine, lets his dc spend freely with his bank card. Doesn’t have to save if he wants something.

It’s got to the point where I feel dh is being quite controlling with money.
He won’t say exactly how much disposable income he has, or what his bonuses are.
He uses it abit like a carrot, oh we might be able to get you a new front door next year, let’s buy you a new coat. Let’s book a long weekend. (Only a few examples) but they are all his decision and always on his timeline.

All of those things are nice, but actually if it was the choice between a long weekend or not worrying about how much my energy bill was going to be. I’d rather have some extra money so I could have the heating on more. Does that make sense?

Nothing feels shared, he’s reluctant to get a joint account or joint savings and feels I should be grateful that the mortgage is paid.

what would be the fairest thing to do in this situation?

This is a tough one with the set up because there's so much out of the ordinary.
Why isnt there just 1 large house ?
If you work full time do you also get child maintenance ?
Mortgage / rent is usually the biggest outgoing for most.
Does he contribute to food at house 2 ?,

You live in his house with your kids rent free. You are paying for utilities and food that you and your kids are eating. I don't get what more you want from him. He's already subsidising you and your kids. Unless, they are actually his children I don't understandcwhy you want or expect more. I mean you could ask him to contribute towards food while he's there or 1/5 of the utilities but he could ask you to contribute to the cost of the mortgage.

I wouldn't want to be with a partner that kept me skint while he haf loads of expendable cash but he's accommodating you and your 3 kids. You are literally paying for yourself to live.

I mean he is paying for your housing costs, cant grumble that much. Are you also getting child support from ex if you have kids 100% of time.

Weird that you got married without living in the same house.

I agree that you are benefitting massively by living mortgage free day to day. This must mean you have more income available surely? Or you'd be buggered if you split. However, on the other hand, where are your own assets? Does he think that things being in his name mean they are protected in divorce? I can't understand why you would have married under this circumstance?

On the other hand, I can't shake the feeling that you seem like a kind of pet! Kept in a house cage and given the basics and told to keep quiet. It's a really weird position.

If you're watching the pennies that much you're being unreasonable spending £100 a month on hair and nails totally misses the point but this is a very weird set up

Well, to start with you are married, so you both own both houses, no?

As DH is staying in House 2, I would ask him for a fixed contribution to help cover costs.

This doesn't really sound like a partnership. He sees your home as his house, and he's treating you more like a casual girlfriend he can bestow gifts on, rather than an equal partner. This isn't really just about the money, it's about keeping you at arms length and maintaining separate lives. You need to have an honest open discussion about this, even if you end up rowing and he initially refuses to talk.

If you weren’t with your h, would you be living in that location and that size house? I’m wondering that even with the mortgage paid, if you would be living in a cheaper house if you weren’t with him? Eg much less council tax

On the surface it seems fair but obviously depends how many hours you work too.

Maintenance of house - is it a period property with costly issues? In which case, you are not unreasonable to ask that he pays maintenance.

What was your financial situation before you got together with him. On the surface, him paying the mortgage on your house seems generous. Would you rather you just lived with your kids and you paid for all your expenses?

Living in separate houses is extremely unusually though!

What happens if you ask him for money? Tell him you need more help.

Surely you are better off now than you were before you met?

I mean, you are living mortgage and rent free, which would be unthinkable for most.

Yes, he is living 50% of the time in house 2, and that will cost you extra in food, but surely that's offset by the fact that you don't pay for housing?

Seems okay as it is, tbh.

Are the houses semi-detached?

This is such a bizarre set up. Why are you organised this way?

You use DH - are you actually married?

Is this so that none of the children have to try and blend ( which often goes horribly wrong, as shown by multiple posts on here). If so, I can see why it is this way, sensible even.
He is paying both mortgages and is only asking that you fund your own costs and that of your children. Did you bring any assets to the marriage that you haven't mentioned?
Whilst it isn't a 'typical' set up. I don't feel that you are hard done by if I'm being totally honest.

is his contribution not the payment of the mortgage?

Wouldnt kill him to get the shop in whilst he's there, but given he is paying mortgage think thats fixed contribution enough.

Yes he's paying both mortgages but then that means he'll own both houses. His kids will inherit property, yours won't.

Meanwhile, you are picking up the maintenance and bill costs - those could be low but could also be high if it's an older shabbier building. How about food and heating costs if he's there 50% of the time? Am I correct that he is at house 2 with you when his kids aren't about, then goes back to house 1 for his time with them?

Also asking if you're legally married. I know in theory they're joint assets then but I would be concerned that it's only a short marriage and he can evidence all the mortgage payments as his, so will come out better.

Seems like he’s taken a massive risk getting married to you given he owns the two houses, if you divorce him he’ll be worried you’ll try to rinse him. Where’s your ex and is he contributing to your kids?

Op please tell me you are named on these properties or at least the one your living in,

Yes he should be more transparent with money, because you are married, and there's no reason for him not to be if its joint stuff. Thats one issue.

But to only pay bills/repairs for a house that you arent paying rent/mortgage for, and will have a claim towards in the event of divorce as you've got married, then 100 a month spare seems pretty good, you do have three kids after all! Im guessing you lived rent or mortgage free somehow before you moved into this house too?

I’m assuming there is a big drip feed coming because otherwise I can’t understand where all your money is going if you don’t have any housing costs. Do you work full time OP?

If you weren't married how much would it be costing you to pay mortgage/rent, bills and food etc for yourself and 3 children? Would you be able to claim more in benefits?

(Basically, are you worse off because you are married?)

Why is it a weird set up? We lived together for 18 months with a blended family, (been together for 9 years) it didn’t work for our kids. They were unhappy, we have different parenting styles and we have two dc with Sen between us.
We plan to live together again once the kids have moved out or go to uni.

I appreciate he pays for the housing costs, but before I was renting and was eligible for uc so actually musch better off. I don’t claim uc now.
I feel that just because we don’t live together, it doesn’t mean finances shouldn’t be equal.

What does he say when you tell him you are not managing with your current set up with money.

To answer some questions:

Yes we are married
I rented before and this was covered by Uc
My ex does pay child maintenance (the minimum) but doesn’t really see the kids so this doesn’t cover what children actually cost.
I am worse off now that I live in this house, it’s bigger, I have to pay an annual fee for maintenance for groundwork’s etc, my council tax is more, energy costs increased etc.

The reason he bought this house was so he could sleep over. In my rented I slept on the sofa so the kids could have a room each. Which I didn’t mind doing- we maintained the relationship by him coming over for tea but he couldn’t ever sleep.

There’s no drip feed. I work full time, on 35k a year. I claim no benefits. Can’t claim child benefit as he earns over the threshold.
I enquired about claiming and also uc but was told no as we are a unit.
My salary, and child maintenance cover the bills.
I have three teenagers, food is astronomical even with budgeting.