Finances and what is fair

[Greenhouseglass]

I’ve fucked up massively by waiting this long to sort but I’d appreciate your advice.
Married Dh last year. He has 2 dc’s he has 50% of the time. I have 3 dc’s I have 100% of the time.
Dh lives in house 1 with his dc.
I live in house 2 with my dc.
Dh owns both houses and pays mortgage on both.

I pay all bills and maintenance of house 2.
We both work full time, but dh earns 3x more than me not including bonuses.
Dh stays in house 2 50% of the time when he doesn’t have his dc.

Dh has considerably more disposable income than me.
I have to watch how much I spend and I save for birthdays/xmas/days out etc. After all bills are paid I have around £100 spare a month which I use for my nails and hair.

He spends alot on himself, designer clothes, take aways, nice wine, lets his dc spend freely with his bank card. Doesn’t have to save if he wants something.

It’s got to the point where I feel dh is being quite controlling with money.
He won’t say exactly how much disposable income he has, or what his bonuses are.
He uses it abit like a carrot, oh we might be able to get you a new front door next year, let’s buy you a new coat. Let’s book a long weekend. (Only a few examples) but they are all his decision and always on his timeline.

All of those things are nice, but actually if it was the choice between a long weekend or not worrying about how much my energy bill was going to be. I’d rather have some extra money so I could have the heating on more. Does that make sense?

Nothing feels shared, he’s reluctant to get a joint account or joint savings and feels I should be grateful that the mortgage is paid.

what would be the fairest thing to do in this situation?

When I’ve brought finances up, he gets defensive, promises a joint account, to see an accountant to see if he can make it work (he’s self employed) but nothing ever happens.

He’ll then take us out for tea, or suggest a new door etc or pay for something like a new iron if mine breaks and sees that as his contribution.

When I explain it doesn’t actually help financially, the things he has bought get thrown back at me.

I’m contemplating either giving an ultimatum that things need to be more financially equal. Or I move out as this isn’t viable.
I don’t see it as being any different from sharing finances if we lived together, but we don’t as this set up benefits the children’s wellbeing.

Can you share a breakdown of your costs to see if people on here can help? Without mortgage / rent it feels crazy to have £100 left each month after necessary bills and food. Im sure people could help you find some places to make savings.

It’s such an unusual set up that I’m unsure what to suggest other than that.

I understand that when you were renting your rent was covered by UC (even if you're on 35k?) but equally now you have no rent/mortgage to pay. Surely on 35k a year you can cover bills, council tax, food etc. You also get child maintenance so that takes your salary over 35k. That's a huge amount to live off with no housing costs, which can often be 50% of most people's budgets. Show me your budget - I'll help you sort it!

Could you suggest he pays the service charge and the difference in the council tax and energy bills that are as a result of you moving to a bigger house? That will at least leave you no worse off.

The problem is being ‘financially equal’ doesn’t work for him as:

a) You have five kids between you, three of those aren’t his and your ex isn’t pulling his weight. Why should he subsidise your ex?
b) He’s already providing a free roof over your heads in order to benefit your ‘children’s wellbeing’
c) You earn far less than him so any ‘equality’ is at the expense of him and his own children
d) He’s massively at risk if you want to divorce him

There’s no way I’d have put myself in his position in the first place, this sounds like a casual relationship that’s accidentally gone too far.

Somewhere you’re massively overspending.

At 35k a year, you must be earning about £2k ish a month after taxes. Plus you get maintenance. I earn £2k a month (no maintenance) and out of that, I pay a mortgage and all normal household bills, also have 2 children who eat loads, plus I have expensive hobbies (including a horse I pay monthly livery, vet bills, farrier, feed costs for) and I am not struggling. I get no benefits other than CB.

With your mortgage and household bills paid by your Dh, you should have loads of disposable income.

He's bought you a house and you're living rent free in it. And all you can do is complain because you're no longer eligible for state benefits? So why on earth did you marry him? Absolutely no reason to at all, knowing that you couldn't live together and it would remove your entitlement to UC.

He’s not bought me a house. I’m not named on the paperwork

OK, you should not be worse off being married/ living in his house.

Have you said this to him? What's his solution?

Will come back and detail my outgoings.

Interesting replies, thanks all. I’m surprised that our living situation causes so much confusion and outrage. On the step parents board, this would be welcomed (although not the financial set up, I hold my hands up).

I did what I thought was best for my children, which is living apart. I stand by that.
I’m not complaining about not receiving benefits, I’d just like the financial arrangement to feel more equal.
We’re a family, we just don’t live together now, but plan to in the future.

Perhaps one way of finding fairness would be to add up all the “fixed” costs of house 2. Mortgage, council tax, ground rent, building maintenance, utilities, house insurance (buildings and content) and then half that. If the mortgage payment is more than half I’m not sure there’s much you can do. If the mortgage payment is less than half you could ask him to contribute the difference. Would that help?

He might only live there 50% of the time, but he has an interest in the property 100% of the time!

He should make sure he applies for the council tax discount for house 1, assuming his DC are not adults or still students.

What you are doing with your living situation makes perfect sense then.

I had similar situation when moving in with my husband, it is difficult but I can spend freely from joint.

Is there any chance he could be personally struggling financially? I.e from letting the kids spends freely on his personal account and the fact he gets defensive and wants to speak to his accountant ect is there a chance the things hes buying you hes running through the company?

In this situation if living bills are that bad ( still don't understand how they amount to £2000+?) I would send your income vs outgoings to him and explain you're struggling with downgrade in lifestyles and see if he can take over the service / maintenance charge and help with groceries ?

I genuinely don’t understand how you cannot live on £35k a year, that’s over £2k a month take home.
You don’t pay out for the biggest expense, the mortgage/rent. Non of my business but I would be far better off in your situation, granted I don’t know your outgoings but council tax/energy bills/water rates will be what, £400 pm? Food bill £100 pw etc etc

apologies but I recon many people would love to be in your situation

all the best with it

You can at the very least claim child benefit. It’s then up to him to repay it through his tax return. So I’d do that today. That would give you an extra £250 a month which should make all the difference if you currently have £100 a month disposable after all bills.

Not living together because it didn’t work for the kids is absolutely fine but you’re being super ungrateful for the fact that he pays for the house you live in.

If you’re together but living in two separate houses the norm would be for you to both be paying for your own home.

im also struggling to see how you’re having a hard time with money when you take home over 2k a month and you don’t have the huge outgoing of rent/mortgage. It sounds like you’re not living within your means and expecting your partner to subside you more than he already is.

Does he see you as a spendthrift? Ie, that you would prioritise hair and nails rather than getting a new iron or front door? In which case, he wouldn’t want to share finances. I usually think a married couple should share all finances and only have one shared bank account that both parties can use. You do realise that as a married couple you will have a share in both the houses.

Firstly, I think you're spot on in what you've done. Being married and living apart is unusual of course but like you say, is always the advice people give on the step-parenting forum so you can't win! If it works for you then great.

However I do think that something is going a bit wrong financially if you're coming out with (approx.) £2k a month, don't have a mortgage / rent to pay and only have £100 left to spend after bills?!

I think it's fair to live separately part of the time when the blending of the families haven't worked out.

I don't think it's fair that you are ending up paying more than you did before in this situation.

The set up sounds fine. But I don’t blame your dh for being defensive - from his point of view he’s provided a much nicer home for you and your kids, he’s given you the security of a marriage, etc.

I don’t think an ultimatum would help at all. It would just drive a wedge between you. What you need is a decent budget spreadsheet so you can show him why you’re struggling and solve it together.

You did absolutely the right thing in acknowledging that the "blending" wasn't working. If only more people would do the same.