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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cheated - what would you do?

41 replies

Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 01:26

Logged in to my husbands facebook and found out he has been messaging another woman for a year taking about sex almost every day. Disgusting messages saying he wants to get her pregnant, that hers is the only one he wants, that she likes his married . He sent pictures of my underwear to her and of him wearing my bra ect. It went on for months. She was not living in same country and they have not been intimate. But before we got married he did sleep with her behind my back. He has called me and said he wants me not her and says he will do anything to prove it. I said no, will I regret? Im only 30. Have a 2 year old. He is at his home country now working for 5 weeks(where she lives) told him its over. Been physcially sick and shacking ext

OP posts:
Beenwhereyouareagain · 13/01/2026 01:40

I'm so sorry that he has done this to you. I don't believe this is something I could overcome. He doesn't deserve to try to prove anything to you. He "proved" his (lack of) trustworthiness when he slept with her before you got married.

I hope you will have the strength and support you need to get rid and put him behind you. 🌹

Onthemaintrunkline · 13/01/2026 02:20

You’ve done absolutely the right thing, telling him it’s over. He’s a liar, cheat and completely without morals or respect for you. He’s a disgusting Individual. Close the door on this relationship and move on and don’t for a moment look back.

Original poster
Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 04:29

Thank you he keeps calling saying he can do better but I cant see myself getting over this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 04:33

He can be really kind and really looks after me im scared I will regret but this is unforgivable

OP posts:
Aplstrudl · 13/01/2026 05:40

You’re doing the right thing without doubt as trust has gone. He’s a liar and a cheat.

Shewasafaireh · 13/01/2026 06:06

If there’s physical distance between you, combined with him not being trustworthy, you’re better off letting it go. Like you said you’re only 30 - you’ll find better.

I’ve been in both situation (cheated on and broke up, cheated on and forgave) but the fact there might be a fetish going on (him using your lingerie) would be enough for me. Fetishes are so ingrained, he’ll never change.

ThejoyofNC · 13/01/2026 06:11

He's with her right now. Think about how that makes you feel and you will never regret it.

Catza · 13/01/2026 06:16

Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 04:33

He can be really kind and really looks after me im scared I will regret but this is unforgivable

You won't regret it. Six months from now you'll think it's the best thing that happened to you. Ask me how I know...
You are in shock right now and there will be a period of adjustment, rumination, grief. Work through it patiently and with plenty of self-love. Eventually, you will see him for who he is and will be surprised you'd ever loved him to begin with..

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 13/01/2026 06:20

He wears your bra? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womensrights/4879982-trans-widows-escape-committee-6-the-next-generation

And he cheats? Leave him.

pilates · 13/01/2026 06:34

Yes seek legal advice - what a creep.

I don’t think there is any coming back from this.

GRCP · 13/01/2026 06:41

You will not regret this.

Original poster
Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 06:57

Thank you everyone. He says he will have therapy and that it was just sex talk nothing else.

OP posts:
Catza · 13/01/2026 07:00

Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 06:57

Thank you everyone. He says he will have therapy and that it was just sex talk nothing else.

And how do you feel about that?

Original poster
Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 07:02

I wish I could I love him so much and cant imagine being with out him. However it was daily messages for almost a year talking sbout sex it was really detailed and horrible. No coming back I dont think. This is the second time.

OP posts:
BreezyPeachGoose · 13/01/2026 07:07

He's already "proved" himself with his FB and now only wants to do better as he's been caught out. Do you want to bring your child up with someone you can't trust?

PARunnerGirl · 13/01/2026 07:11

Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 07:02

I wish I could I love him so much and cant imagine being with out him. However it was daily messages for almost a year talking sbout sex it was really detailed and horrible. No coming back I dont think. This is the second time.

Do you mean the first time was when he slept with her before you were married? Or he has done this exact same thing another time you haven’t mentioned yet?

Planesmistakenforstars · 13/01/2026 07:26

Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 04:29

Thank you he keeps calling saying he can do better but I cant see myself getting over this.

The only thing he will do better is hide it. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are doing the right thing in leaving him. This is sustained deceit and cheating, and people who do that do not change. He will tell you whatever he thinks you want to hear, because he doesn't want his life to change. He'll get therapy, it was only sex talk, he really loves you blah blah it's all bollocks. He is saying it because he was caught.

Original poster
Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 08:26

He has done this exact same thing before

OP posts:
Endofyear · 13/01/2026 08:27

Don't take him back. He's a cheater and he will continue to cheat. You deserve so much better than this.

PARunnerGirl · 13/01/2026 08:34

Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 08:26

He has done this exact same thing before

He has no respect for you and every time you accept this, you reinforce in his mind that you don’t command any respect or worth. Nothing he says can change that, I’m sorry. You should leave.

PGmicstand · 13/01/2026 08:39

So ultimately he's only sorry because he got caught?
He's pathetic.
You've done the right thing by ending the relationship. Be strong and keep to the separation. You deserve so much better.

perfectcolourfound · 13/01/2026 08:42

This isn't a one-off moment of stupidity (not saying even that would be OK), it was a YEAR of decising EVERY DAY to betray you and disrespect you and lie to you. He chose the kicks he got from this woman over you. And he would still be doing it today if you hadn't found out. He'd still be doing it for as long as he got away with it. Maybe the next year, 5 years, 10 years. Maybe one day he'd decide to leave you for her. Maybe not.

So he isn't sorry about what he's done. If he was sorry, he wouldn't have done it in the first place, and continued to do it for so long. He's only sorry he was caught. He doesn't want the fall out of being caught. He wanted to cheat and gets his kicks from his other woman, to have his cake and eat it. He wanted to be the one to choose when to leave.

And on top of all of that, he's done it before! Proof if proof were needed that THIS IS WHO HE IS. He is happy to cheat on you, to betray you over and over again, to lie to you every day.

Please don't let him back in. You know you could never trust anything he says. You know he's a poor husband. You deserve so much better.

Original poster
Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 08:48

thank you I am leaving him but it is really hard what if I cant findbetter or the next person is worse? We have a child and I have not got much support. Is it better to be alonethan with a man like this? I dont understand why he would do this in the first place??

OP posts:
Catza · 13/01/2026 09:02

Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 08:48

thank you I am leaving him but it is really hard what if I cant findbetter or the next person is worse? We have a child and I have not got much support. Is it better to be alonethan with a man like this? I dont understand why he would do this in the first place??

Stop asking "why would he". You will never know. Start asking "why would I". Why would I accept this? What part of me led me to be with the man like that? What should I do differently in my next relationship? Where are my boundaries?

I've experienced all of the same, OP. Seven months ago I was in a fetal position on my friend's floor believing I lost the love of my life and will never find someone better. Today I think it was the greatest blessing of my life. I am with a wonderful man who treats me well and whom I would never have a chance to meet if I didn't do the hard work of asking myself difficult questions. But even if I was single, that would be preferable to being in a relationship which always felt like holding a live grenade.

HipHopDontYouStop · 13/01/2026 09:07

Kelly1999x · 13/01/2026 08:48

thank you I am leaving him but it is really hard what if I cant findbetter or the next person is worse? We have a child and I have not got much support. Is it better to be alonethan with a man like this? I dont understand why he would do this in the first place??

Do not even think about finding someone else or worrying about the character of your next partner.

This is not a priority at all.

Protect yourself and your dc.

Always look out for red flags with the next partner you may get.

Or just enjoy being single. Learning to be strong and happy alone.