He cheated - what would you do?

[Kelly1999x]

Logged in to my husbands facebook and found out he has been messaging another woman for a year taking about sex almost every day. Disgusting messages saying he wants to get her pregnant, that hers is the only one he wants, that she likes his married . He sent pictures of my underwear to her and of him wearing my bra ect. It went on for months. She was not living in same country and they have not been intimate. But before we got married he did sleep with her behind my back. He has called me and said he wants me not her and says he will do anything to prove it. I said no, will I regret? Im only 30. Have a 2 year old. He is at his home country now working for 5 weeks(where she lives) told him its over. Been physcially sick and shacking ext

A leopard never changes its spots. He will do it again and again, he will just become more sneaky in the future. Delete and block him. The guy is a snake, his behaviour is disgusting and you will never be able to trust him again. You’re only 30 and know you deserve and can do better. Set clear boundaries in regards to just talking about child arrangements and don’t engage with any other talk. What a complete sleaze!

you have 5 weeks ? to sort yourself out:

make an appointment with a solicitor

decide where you are going to live - do you rent or is the home mortgaged, if it is mortgaged can you afford to buy him out / can he afford to buy you out

otherwise are you finding yourself a rental ?
you could be in a new rental in the next 5 weeks - do you have the money for a deposit / the first months rent in advance

you can apply for a divorce online, this can easily be done in the 5 weeks you have
the Government website talks you through all the stages https://www.gov.uk/divorce

what about the child ? is he likely to want 50/50 ? can he do 50/50 if he goes abroad to work for 5 weeks / does he often work abroad

work out how much maintenance he would have to pay ( based on how many nights you think he will have the child
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

of course it is better to be alone than to be with a man like this

what is the hurry to find a replacement man ?!!!

you are only 30

does your child have a passport ? be very careful he does not remove the child and take him/her out of this country to his home country without your permission

what is the financial position ? do you have access to money / to a joint account ?

it's called getting your ducks in a row, and it sounds like you have up to 5 weeks to do this ?

Thank you so much.
we live at my mum’s second home - it is in her name that I would inherit in future but not in my name yet. He is on spouse visa which is up for renwal in December. I have no assets/money. I am a teacher so can afford bills ect. How muxh money should he pay for child maintance? I dont think he will get access he will have no visa unless he sorts it (i did all that stuff) also no where to live and no family here.

Ofcourse he has and he will continue to do so until you end the relationship. You're only 30, your whole life is infront of you. For your sake and the sake of your child, don't waste any more of it on this charmer. Whilst he's in his home country, get your ducks in a row: important legal documents, bank statements, evidence of his sexual contact with this other woman. Go and see a solicitor asap.

Anyone have tips to recover from this emotionally?

Keep to the forefront of your mind - he is only sorry he got caught.

‘This is not some random behavior of his, he is choosing this repeatedly.

Do not even think of ‘the next man’. Emotionally I’d suggest you are in no state whatsoever to be thinking this way. I think you need to spend time alone, finding your strengths, your self-worth, confidence to set boundaries & so much more!

Tips to recover emotionally…..time, time - quite some time to regain your strength and to be able to look back on this with relief and pride that you handled it well.

If he can "do better" he could and should have done so long before now!

I am sitting on my sofa, in my home that only I live in, with CatOfHate sleeping on my lap.

It is better to be alone than with a cheater. Don't let the fear of being alone cow you into staying.

Get yourself over to the Chump Lady website. Amazing advice and support for those who kick out a cheater - help you understand all the bullshit and mindfucks, and keep your resolve.

It takes time to recover from this, but you will.

He will absolutely not change. Even if you think there's a slim chance he might, he has already made the choice over and over to treat you abominably, knew what he was doing, and couldn't have cared less until he was caught and his visa put at risk

I'm so sorry, but you can do this. You'll have nothing but regret if you cave in.

He is on spouse visa which is up for renwal in December

At least you know why he's so keen to "prove it's you he wants"

Except it's not, is it? What he wants - as shown by the fact he's done this before - is to behave like a single man, even now scuttling back to where his OW lives so he's got a back-up if you say he's out

Of course it hurts for now, but it's either work through it or have him back knowing there'll be yet more pain to come - a no brainer surely?

He is on spouse visa which is up for renwal in December.

That sounds like a "him" problem. Start the divorce proceedings.

You get on with the steps you need to carry out to get rid of him.

Do you pay rent to your mum?

The time for doing better was from the moment he married you. Not after almost a year of shamelessly flirting and sending messages saying he wants to get another woman pregnant. You have absolutely done the right thing in dumping this useless husband from your life. How dare he take photos of your underwear and send to OW.

Look forward, not backward. Don't waste time on regrets.wishes it was different or whatever. Embrace your new future full of potential! Enjoy your child & your family/friends/future!!

you are doing the right thing!!!

@Kelly1999x make sure you tell your mum. I would 100% want to know if it was my daughter and would go all out to help in any way I could. Sounds to me as if his want to come back is related to his visa. He’s shown you what he is - be glad to be rid of him. You hav3 the rest of your life to look forward to and you don’t need him in it.