Hi, I am writing to consult about my marriage - I am 40, has been married for 4.5 yrs(5.5 yrs in relationship) and are parents to a 4.5yr old son. My husband constantly keeps score who does more childcare or cooking or chores and according to him he always does more and I am lazy and entitled. He routinely complains how he is exhausted bc he pulls more weight around the house. Especially, if I am feel like I am getting a cold or am pre-period,and have less energy for everything, and try to do the bare min and then just rest. When he feels tired and I feel I can take over I always tell him to just go and rest. However, when it is me who is tired, he gets angry and tells me that I need to push through and why is it him picking up the slack. We argue about it every 10 or so days and it is always him to starts complaining about doing more childcare or household jobs, often descending to yelling, name calling and escalating in front of our son. My husband typically needs less sleep than I and has been going on about me sleeping longer than him pretty much since we got together, even when I was pregnant with our son and working while he was furloughed and just lounging around.
Now we both work full time in demanding full time jobs again. My husband does morning drop-offs (I don’t drive) and we take turns with pickups, although I do twice a week, while he does three times , bc I work longer hours when I am in the office (have to be in 3 days min).
We split house chores and childcare but my husband cooks more often bc he is often more hungry and thinks about food all the time. I eat/snack less frequently and need less food in general, if I keep to his schedule I gain weight bc I overeat. Plus he is GF, is a fussier eater and does not like some of the veg or recipes I like. After a few years, I shifted cooking on him mostly esp while my son was little. I would cook for myself and my son during the day but let my husband take over dinners.
I am a high earner (banking, PE, now insurance) and always have been and worked 70-100h weeks for 10 yrs of my career pre baby, so never really ate dinner at home (stayed in the office at least until after 9 or midnight for years, so mostly ordered in the office and ate out/takeways). I am more geared towards earning vs cooking/ FT home making (plus find it boring and try to outsource as much as poss) plus my husband makes less or same money than me (he is in sales and commissions are variable). So I feel it is fair to split all the household chores.
He is an ex banker himself but had a career break during which he learned how to cook and spend time pottering around after he burnt out after 10yrs and left banking. I didn’t have a chance to do that and dont have that much time for learn how to cook elaborate meals and to simplify I made sure he does most of the cooking.
When he was growing up his mum was stay at home and did all the cooking etc so I think that he wants that from me, although I never promised to be a trad house wife. And told him that many times. After maternity leave I was made redundant and he while he supported me financially he was often angry, mean and we fought a lot. I spend my days sending out CVs instead of perfecting my Beef bourgugnion.
That being said, our house is always clean and tidy and we are both perfectionists but he likes to keep himself busy and do things (like running errands) and does not mind spending Saturdays grocery shopping and going back if forgot to get smth while I plan meticulously, write lists and try to spend as little time on chores and admin, as possible. I make sure we order groceries online at least once week instead of spending time grocery shopping on the weekend.
tonight, when I cleaned up after dinner and sat down to rest bc I didn’t sit down after coming through the door after work (having put laundry on, put away things I picked up at boots, tidied up the house etc) while he was unpacking groceries that just got delivered. I picked up a magazine and he was like “why are you sitting down, can’t u see there are groceries to unpack. And then bath and bedtime”. I said,” yes, but I am tired and it’s still 30 mins until bedtime, I need to rest”. He went on how he is tired too and how I am lazy and always try to do less than him, and that this is the reason why I am not as successful in my career, as I want to be because I am just lazy and “just don’t get it”. All I do is bitch about my job and just not do enough at home, at work and, in general, in life. he also went on to say that this is why his parents don’t like me and think that I am lazy and entitled (they are better off than I or my parents ever been and haven’t had to as work hard, all family money/generational wealth).
I am incredibly offended and hurt, especially bc this is repeat behaviour and pretty much the only reason we argue - bc I am not this and not that and in general sleep too long, cook too little and like to lounge around instead of waking up early on the weekend and running around being busy all the time
tonight has really escalated after I said I am simply too tired and needed rest and can not help him with groceries and he should back off. I was particularly offended bc I spent most of the weekend on doing a diy project while he went to play tennis and was feeling tired so was lounging around the house. I both cooked and cleaned up dinner last night after spending 6 h each day restoring/painting a piece of furniture that needed a make over. Today he worked from home while I shlepped into the office in the city.
it ended up with him calling me names and even a whore in front of my son when I kept telling him to just stop arguing and leave me alone. He gets agitated fast and we argue bc he is upset/angry at me for some reason 95% out of 100%. I am not perfect but I believe in civilised conflict resolution and don’t bring up his character traits or flaws or whatever and am mostly content / accept him for what he is and do not criticise him. If I did, we would argue all the time. Bc god forbid someone says smth about him. He is uber sensitive and defensive.
not sure what to do, but just needed to share. I feel this is wrong and he is always mean/hurtful and cusses/says thing he apologises for after, but this is just not acceptable
I have been depressed after redundancy and have been struggling ever since - I feel he drains me and my energy and my happy self is not me anymore
sometimes it works for a while and he is loving and caring and gentle. But inevitably it becomes too much for him and he blows up bc I am too negative/ too tired/ sleep too much/ do too little and don’t look after him as much as he does after me and our son