Staying in a relationship after 50

[Borderlands]

Hello, I am looking for the hive mind advice. I don't have family to fall back on, apart from a 20 year old daughter who isn't yet independent, so I am asking Mumsnetter what I should do.

I was married a long time to my first husband. I have been with my second husband for 10 years, and I am now in my mid fifties.

I am increasingly fed up with my relationship with my second husband. We don't seem that compatible and I don't enjoy his company that much. I do care about him and worry because his health is not as good as it was.

I think about leaving but it would effect others. I would probably get by, but not that well off. Later this year, I will probably have enough money to buy a small terraced house, no garden. Not guaranteed but probably.

I have a 20 year old daughter who is a student. She still relies on me somewhat. Although she works hard she needs me for a roof over her head whilst she is a student and maybe after graduation too because of the economic situation. Her dad, my first husband, has been made redundant and lives in a rented flat in a different part of the country. My daughter's friends mostly live near to me. She doesn't have any friends near her father.

We also have a dog and a cat, which I look after. My second husband has stopped helping with them.

I would like to leave but it worry:

How will I help my daughter? Who will look after the animals? I can't afford a garden. My second husband owns our house, which has a big garden. What will happen if my second husband becomes more ill? He is much older than me.

If I was in my 20s, 30s and 40s, I think would have more confidence in my ability to provide for those who rely on me. But, I am older. I am also worried that my life will be over before my responsibilities to others end

Hi
I know of people will say ltb but I am divorced and not too far away from your age, if you can salvage the relationship or agree to live separate lives even if it’s just you that decides that I would choose that option. It’s tough being single and starting again as you know. It really depends on your expectations, only you know if you can stick this out or best to leave. If leaving please choose the best time for you to do it financially, if that’s in 2 years, next year so be it provided you are not in danger, being coerced of course. Best of luck

You have equitable rights to the house as you're married and a split should leave you in a fair position.

Go take proper advice.

I've said this before but there's nothing sadder than a nearly 80 yo telling you how much they hate living with their husband as they stayed for money reasons and it's got worse and worse as the husband got older, grumpy and ill.

What does your DH think? My mum has moved to a "companion" style relationship with her Dp which works for both of them. Could that work for you? Where you both agree that intimacy is off the cards, household chores are split and you each have your own lives?

I am 56 and I left a dead marriage a couple of years ago now and haven't regretted it at all.

Actually feel like I have taken ownership of my life and I'm living it rather than merely existing. You might have another 30 years.

However I have always worked and have a good career so financially I am in a comfortable position.

Whyherewego
Well, despite him being nearly 70 and often feeling ill, his libido seems quite lively still! He has bought Viagra and he has told me that he would prefer sex every day, ideally, although he knows that I don't really want that. Since the menopause my libido has gone and I'm not that interested in sex with anyone. I wouldn't care of it didn't happen again. I still have sex with my husband about twice a week because I know that it would cause a big relationship issue if I told him that I am not bothered. I don't want the relationship to end because of that reason...a slow death of the sex life and increasing frustration!

Go see a solicitor. Half an hour free. Ring a couple of firms and ask about that. This will give you a better idea of entitlement.

Frankly I’d get out asap. Your marriage has run its course and you are unhappy. If DH gets chronically sick it will be you who ends up sticking around for hospital visits, (yawn) nursing him (exhausting) maybe and generally wiping his bottom. Given your desire to escape, for sure it’d be difficult to walk away from a sick husband wouldn’t it?

Make a plan. Talk to your daughter. Feel the fear and do it anyway. One door closes, another opens.

That sounds grim. You don’t really like him but you are having sex with him to keep him happy?

i would be out of there like a shot if I could afford it

I was going to say maybe stay until I read that bit! And also bear in mind he is older than you, I think time is of the essence.

So I split with ExH a couple of years ago after 30+ years and in very similar circumstances (apart from the sex!) - I thought we had tried living separate lives but Ex was never happy with anything and constantly causing arguments; I too had a 20 year old DD at the time, and I too thought I could afford a small terraced house or a flat. But when push has come to shove, 2 years down the line I am renting in my 60s and very worried about what my next step is. One door closed and unexpectedly no other doors opened; I'm facing retirement on basic state pension. I was reading something recently that said divorce is a luxury only some women can afford, and advocating trying to stay together but honestly your situation sounds miserable and I would worry it was affecting your DD.

When you say he owns the house do you mean it was a premarital asset? Does he have any other family that could help him like adult children? You need to see a solicitor to look at the finances.

How will I help my daughter? Who will look after the animals? I can't afford a garden. My second husband owns our house, which has a big garden. What will happen if my second husband becomes more ill? He is much older than me.

Your daughter is at uni and she will have to get a job after graduating and possibly move into a shared house. As lively as it is to be able to house her till her 30s, it's not a requirement. Many of us have done shitty jobs to pay for a room in a shared house in our younger years. It's not the end of the world and could actually be quite a nice experience if you get the right sorts of flatmates.

The cat will be perfectly fine in a flat so will the dog of you are prepared to walk it several times a day. Or you will have to re-home. I miss my dog terribly after the split but it would never stop me from leaving a miserable relationship.

What will happen to your husband if he gets ill is none of your business after the divorce.

50 is far far too young to give upon yourself!

Sex every day? That would be it for me. Id be off regardless of the financial situation. Surely your daughter can get a part time job? I worked all the way through uni doing nights in a nursing home because I had a mortgage. Its perfectly doable. You don't have to look after everybody.
Id have a consultation with a good solicitor and go from there.
Freedom beckons.

Yes, it does feel a bit like divorce is only for the better off women. I think that I should have stayed single after my first marriage as I would have sorted something for myself by now but it is a bit late now!

Yes, the house was a premarital asset and he has left it to his son, who is nearly 40 now, although I can live in it for the rest of my life before iy has to be passed on. This is in his wil. He is talking to me about us moving out and buying a joint house when I get access to my money and the end of this year, and the will changed so both our kids get their share when we are gone. If I decide to end the relationship after then it might be more difficult to sort out than it is now?

Regards the animals, the cat wouldn't be fine in a flat. It has been an outdoor cat all its life and gets stressed when I have taken him in. The dog is very active and used to having access to a garden all day and has my husband home most of the day. I couldn't leave him in a house all day whilst I go to work. He would have to stay with my husband, who finds walking him too difficult because of his health. Very big strong dog who can pull him over. He is a lovely dog and we both love him to pieces

I’d definitely get legal advice.

Could you and your daughter live together as adults? Could you afford a flat with a garden together? Do you have any friends or neighbours who would consider eg sharing the dog, or housing it while you did the walking?

Maybe take a deep breath and have an honest conversation with your h about sex - that it’s not for you any more. Would you be happier with his company at home if he were out having sex elsewhere and you were companions do you think?

Like others have said, the thought of having sex if I had no libido and simply didn't want it would be enough to get myself out of there.
Your Viagra popping ageing husband wants it every day, despite knowing how you currently feel?
Nice.
Putting up with it twice a week is not the answer OP.

My daughter is at university in another country btw, but needs my home in the holidays as she has nowhere else to go. The dog is big and strong and I don't have anyone else who could walk him . When we got him my husband did all the walking for years but after a few incidents where he couldn't physically handle him, I took over the walking, in the interests of my husband and the dog's welfare!

Your latest update changes my opinion.
He had left everything to his son.
I would leave.
I certainly wouldn’t be having sex with him.
If there was a chance of you getting equity from the property then I would stay.
Also, given the age difference it’s very likely that you will end up being his carer and still inheriting zero. I doubt his son is going to care for him.

Don’t worry about the dog, it’s as much your dhs responsibility as it is yours.

Could you buy a house with a garden in a cheaper area? Tbh I get why you want to stay near your daughter’s friends - it’s the same for me - but moving area might be something you have to consider.

You do need that legal advice though.

I started replying last night but I was tired and I see you have updated and my views were more on the fence before I read your updates.

I am early fifties for context and I live in a small house with two DC as a single parent and have financial responsibility for both. It’s a bit scary to think about but we get by (so far) and are happy. There is a long list of things i need to do on the house but I do what I can. So from that perspective, I think a small terraced house is fine. It would be your space.

I think two things from what you post

Firstly, if you want out, then you do need to make sure that your money incoming remains yours and not for a joint property, otherwise it will be more difficult to unravel and cost money with solicitors etc. it sounds like he is making plans for your money as if it will be joint.

Secondly, the sex thing is grim, if you don’t want sex you should not be having it twice a week. But I am confused because you say you don’t want the relationship to end because of that issue. Does this mean that you want this issue to be resolved? I mean, either you work on a mutually agreeable solution with him or you leave - these seem the two alternatives to acting like it is before 1991 when marital rape was allowed. You are allowed to say no these days.

if you are that worried about the dog, you can go around and walk it or the husband can pay a dog walker.

Have you looked at properties specificallyfor the over 50s? They are often cheaper than other property.

Ah that sounds tough. Mismatch in libido is hard to resolve unless both parties want to make the effort. As PP said you can say no. You dont have to do it.
I don't know that you have zero claim on his house at all but I am not a lawyer. I'd agree that trying to move into a new shared house seems a poor idea.
I'd agree with PP looking at various options to get a house with a garden. Over 50s places or alternative locations. Hopefully you can find something

I am already living in one of the cheapest towns in the country and my finances are such that I can only afford a small terraced house without a garden. Unless I move to an run down ex mining village in South Wales or County Durham, lol! My job is here anyway. And my daughter's friends are her support system, not just drinking pals!

Please start a new life. It took me years of wanting to leave. Yes it was hard for a while but I’ve never been happier in my whole life.

Unless you signed a pre-nup you should still have rights to the house. It is a marital asset. Speak to a solicitor and get advice

How old are the pets? Not trying to be morbid but they won’t live forever. You can’t have animals dictating how you are going to be happy.