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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner loves to be at home , cant see a happy future when we are so different

28 replies

Boredandlonely9182 · 12/01/2026 13:52

Ive been with my partner for a long time. We were only teenagers when we got together , we went out alot. Then we had kids in our 20s and again went out alot on days out for them. Although even then looking back he didn't go out for any other reason.
As the years have gone on and the kids habe become more independent, he has decided that he just wants to stay home all the time.
That's fine, some people like that. But he doesn't go out to work either as since covid he was able to work from home.
So the past 5 years majority of the time he has stayed at home .
I have spent many years taking the kids out by myself. I am the one that takes them and fetches them to and from everywhere now they are teenagers. I take them both to and from school. I do the shopping.

Not always but I will sometimes even go and see his family without him whilst he stays at home. And he never sees my family.
He is not depressed, he is very very happy to be at home . He says he sees no reason to go out unless its for something important such as an appointment or diy shop .
It has always bothered me but I just kind of accepted it and got on with my life separate to him . I often think alot of people will think im a single parent as he never comes anywhere with us.
The kids are not far away from leaving home and it has started to worry me alot more about what our future looks like? I cannot see a shared retirement like this. I want to go out to places together etc in my heart but even if we rarely do he makes it clear hes only doing it for me and doesnt want to be there.
I am by no means an extrovert and like being at home myself, but he is extreme with it. I find it very sad and concerning that a man only in his 40s has no life whatsoever by choice. I feel very lonely in my marriage because of it.

OP posts:
SmittenApple · 12/01/2026 13:54

Does he work from home?

SmittenApple · 12/01/2026 13:56

He says he sees no reason to go out unless it’s for something important such as an appointment or diy shop .

and? What do you say in response?

Does he point blank refuse to take his children to clubs etc? Point blank refuses to do food shopping?

Boredandlonely9182 · 12/01/2026 14:09

Yes he refuses. Are kids are older now so no clubs etc, just lifts for them and mates to and from places. I do it all. If I dont do it the children can't go

OP posts:
Rocknrollstar · 12/01/2026 14:12

You have two choices and you know what they are. Underlying both is the fact that you need to make your own life. Go on holidays with friends or on your own, book gigs and shows, join groups and make new friends. The question for you to decide is whether you do this while he lives in your house or you leave him and live on your own.

Sanasaaa · 12/01/2026 14:13

How can you respect him after years of him choosing to dump all the parenting on you?
Do you own the house/have complete financial security? It doesn't seem worth keeping him around as a boyfriend.

SmittenApple · 12/01/2026 14:14

Boredandlonely9182 · 12/01/2026 14:09

Yes he refuses. Are kids are older now so no clubs etc, just lifts for them and mates to and from places. I do it all. If I dont do it the children can't go

So it’s about so much more than him just not wanting to go out.

He is a thoughtless selfish twat. His wife asks him to parent. He refuses.

SmittenApple · 12/01/2026 14:15

You are worrying about being happy with him because he doesn’t go out rather than the much more serious issue - he doesn’t parent and refuses his wife’s pleas for involvement.

This doesn’t sound like a happy home. At. All.

WallaceinAnderland · 12/01/2026 14:17

Not wanting to go out is fine.

Refusing to go out to facilitate normal family life (lifts for kids, household shopping, etc.) is unreasonable.

gamerchick · 12/01/2026 14:18

I think I'd be having the what seperating looks like conversation with him. House being sold and going seperate ways sort of stuff.

Can you really see the next 30-40 years you might have on this earth living with a man who doesn't want to live?

If he lasts that long. Inactivity has a habit of catching up with us at some point.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2026 14:23

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Goodness alone knows what your DC think of their dad. They know all too well you facilitate everything for them whilst their dad remains at home. Has he ever gone on any holidays?. Do his parents behave similarly in that they are home bodies too?.

Sanasaaa · 12/01/2026 14:27

Just noticed you mentioned a marriage, I thought you were legally single due to the word partner.
Start planning a future for the life you want. Do things you enjoy every week, it sounds like there's no point to the relationship for you or your kids.

SilverPink · 12/01/2026 14:30

Rocknrollstar · 12/01/2026 14:12

You have two choices and you know what they are. Underlying both is the fact that you need to make your own life. Go on holidays with friends or on your own, book gigs and shows, join groups and make new friends. The question for you to decide is whether you do this while he lives in your house or you leave him and live on your own.

I’m afraid this is what you’re going to end up having to do - completely separate lives, with holidays and days out being with friends or your adult children.
I couldn’t imagine that though. My husband works at home and he’s desperate to get out of the house some weekends, he’s sick of the same four walls. Now our kids are grown up we love going out together, socialising, days out, weekends away. It’s really sad your husband doesn’t seem to want that.

safetyfreak · 12/01/2026 14:32

What a sad life. Why did you put up with it? Sad for your kids, too.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 12/01/2026 14:34

Tell him he needs to pull his weight and take on half the taxi duties.

Boredandlonely9182 · 12/01/2026 14:37

Within the house he is the dominant parent. Does all the discipline , decisions etc but not outside of the house. This is getting worse all the time.
Ive lived an almost separate life for a long time already but I have the kids so im not alone, soon I will be alone even if we are still together

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 12/01/2026 14:38

Are your DC going to university, is he helping with that? If they are in anything at school/college does he go and watch them, parents evening?

sittingonabeach · 12/01/2026 14:39

What sort of decisions @Boredandlonely9182

whyaretheylikethis · 12/01/2026 14:41

Honestly, if he's been like this for the last 5 years I can't see him changing.

That's sad for the kids, if you don't do it then they don't go. They have two parents. Lifts are part of that as a parent to teens.

There's so much more of a world outside of your own house, go and see it OP.

With or without him.

SmittenApple · 12/01/2026 14:58

Boredandlonely9182 · 12/01/2026 14:37

Within the house he is the dominant parent. Does all the discipline , decisions etc but not outside of the house. This is getting worse all the time.
Ive lived an almost separate life for a long time already but I have the kids so im not alone, soon I will be alone even if we are still together

This is very odd

what do you mean…. You don’t have any involvement with the discipline of your teens in your own home?

Endofyear · 12/01/2026 15:22

Boredandlonely9182 · 12/01/2026 14:37

Within the house he is the dominant parent. Does all the discipline , decisions etc but not outside of the house. This is getting worse all the time.
Ive lived an almost separate life for a long time already but I have the kids so im not alone, soon I will be alone even if we are still together

It sounds like you are already living seperate lives OP and that it will be very lonely sharing a house with just him when the children have left home. Can you see yourself leaving and living a single life after that? Ours have flown the nest now and it takes a lot of adjustment - I have 5 children and my life really revolved around them. The house is very quiet without them, though they all pop in regularly and have meals together etc. DH is still working part time and is more of a homebody than me but he's recently joined my yoga class that I've been doing for years and we go for walks, lunch out and cinema and watch series on tv together. Can you see your DH being a companion when your children leave home? You probably should start thinking about what you want from life once that happens.

SmileyMoonset · 12/01/2026 15:28

That’s a concerning level of behaviour.

I assume he doesn’t have any friends? Or exercise? Does he avoid medical appointments? What about big events like weddings or funerals?

What if eventually you have grandchildren?

I’d be concerned about agoraphobia to be honest.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 12/01/2026 16:08

Boredandlonely9182 · 12/01/2026 14:09

Yes he refuses. Are kids are older now so no clubs etc, just lifts for them and mates to and from places. I do it all. If I dont do it the children can't go

I would not put up with this, it's unacceptable.

Properjob · 12/01/2026 23:35

Sounds awful OP and also that he might be mentally unwell. Is he ever interesting to be with,what does he talk about with you and the kids? Does he do anythjng with them?
What do they think of him?
TBH I think you have already made up your mind to leave. Start getting those ducks in a row...

SmittenApple · 13/01/2026 07:13

Clearly there is a great deal more to this and you’re probably wise to start a thread in relationships @Boredandlonely9182 about the marriage in generally and how the heck to plan to get out of it.

Boredandlonely9182 · 13/01/2026 09:37

I mean to say that he is very involved with everything that is inside the house, but does not want to take part with things that are outside the house. Unfortunately, and what makes me mad is that this effects everyone not just himself . It means I have to do all the leg work , and the kids dont get to spend time with him outside the house.
It is like agoraphobia but he can go out when he needs to no problem at all.
He doesnt have friends anymore and prefers it that way. Sees family very irregularly. Won't attend events.

OP posts:
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