Dating a man with 3 children…

[Sunshineismyhappy]

So… went for a coffee with someone I’ve known for years… was never any attraction before, however years on we bumped into each other and I genuinely do quite fancy him now !

he asked me out for a coffee which I’ve yet been too ( might go )
the only thing is he’s got 3 children. I’ve got none. Although it’s not a problem to me Im worrying what my family will think ? We all live in the same village ! So everyone knows everyone.. thoughts please.

Hard No.

Glad it’s not just me who thinks this.

As a recently single father of a toddler who I have over 50% of the time, reading some of these replies makes me think some think us single parents should give up on relationships and our desires until our children reach 18.

Maybe I’m naïve, but surely it’s possible to get a good balance? Time to focus on children, and time outside of that where the relationship is the primary focus?

The 16 & 17 year old are at the stage where they have their own life’s and must be thinking about university / getting their own place? How often does he have them / will have time for you?

There’s nothing wrong going for a coffee / drink and asking questions before you make a decision if you want to take it further.

I wouldn't touch that with a barge pole, op.

Sure, I'd date him. Go to lots of nice places, concerts, restaurants, have a good time, why wouldn't you?

What I wouldn't do is move in with him. Men have got a bit of a reputation for taking advantage of women they live with, sadly.

Dating isn't an equal opportunities activity. I have three. You are either a person who is invested in your children requiring relationship compromises I wouldn't expect someone with no children to make, or the alternative - which would be worse.

I’d say that if you don’t want your own children one day then it’s fine but if you do then I’d stay clear.

😂
Okay ...👍

If you want your own children, I wouldn't waste my time . He probably won't want more and even if he did, not many men can afford 4 children. If you find him attractive and want a casual relationship then I can't see why it is an issue.

You can’t live your life worrying what others think, they aren’t you. It’s just a date and you don’t need to sign yourself up for being stepmum, you don’t even need to get serious if you don’t want to. His kids are not that young anyway, potential problems if you did by small chance it does get serious and he doesn’t want anymore kids but you do. Don’t meet in the village you live, no need to broadcast your date to anyone.

His kids are 17, 16 and 10 and shes only just started seeing him so I think step parenting is quite the while away.

Meh, just a passing glance at the relationships board would demonstrate how quickly some women get sucked into caring roles. Not worth the risk.

FGS he's only inviting you for a coffee and everyone's up in arms about him looking for a carer for his children. He might be or might not be and OP might or might not mind 'helping' with them if 1/2 or more years down the line they end up living in the same house. Talk about jumping the gun...

This is also quite depressing for me as I was dating for a while with 3 children (now adult and out of the house) and the idea that it would be an issue before I've even had a coffee and chat with a guy is incredible.

It may only be a coffee date, but to my mind it is always worth knowing what you want in advance, and not even bothering with coffee if a potential relationship is going to be ruled out from the start.
(Unless of course you are just looking for casual sex.)

If you know you don't want a relationship with a man who already has kids, don't bother with even one date. It is a waste of time all round.

That's what I thought as well. Of course people are able to make their own decisions as to whether they date people with dependent children or not.

But if you do then it will certainly reduce your dating options.

If you are in your 20s and / or want your own children at some point, don't go near him.

If you're 40+, realistically most of your options will have children by now and he doesn't have really little kids, so he's a reasonable prospect.

There is no way Id date someone with three kids.

Considering their ages, my main worry would be whether I wanted my own DCs and whether he was willing to “start again”.

I went for the drink with the father-of-three, although his family situation really wasn’t on my mind when I accepted. Just that I fancied him. That was over a decade ago (Reader, I married him).

If you don’t plan on having children then I would stay clear. Are they from one mother or multiple mothers. Multiple mothers would be a red flag for me. How recently did he separate? Not all but some men settle soon after separation and look for what could be called a nanny with a fanny and go for 50:50 parenting leaving the parenting to the new gf. Be very careful you don’t end up in that position. I would be doing a background check as well. They could have separated due to domestic violence. Does he see his children often and actively parent them? If not then that would be a red flag to me. I tread with caution now but didn’t when I was younger.

There is a lot to consider

• How old are you? Do you want children? Having children with someone who already has them is fraught with complications and issues.
• Are you prepared (if the relationship gets that serious) to embrace the children as your own? Yes they have 2 parents and already have a mother but if you are living/married to thier dad you need to treat them as if they are your own.

Just see the step parents board for people who once they have thier own children expect the step children to melt away, dont want to look after them, etc

I think you will find there are a lot of people on MN who think single mums shouldn’t date

OK to date, just don't move in with him.

I went on a dare with a mam with 3 kids, youngest being 5 at the time.
Best thing i ever did and still together close to 15 years later. He was a very involved father, shared custody and he 'fathered' and 'dated' completely seperately, and the 2 lives did not mix for a number of years. When they did finally merge, it was gradual, at the pace of the kids and now we have a really good family set up.
As with everything, theres no crystal ball or blanket rule with this, it can work absolutely fine

Thanks. Hearing this has given me hope and reassurance. Though I’m only a father to one child, the rest matches what I am and currently want in future.

I would go on the date but I’m a single mum so my circs are wildly different.

What do you want out of a relationship OP? If you wish to date and have a relationship with no heavy lifting then that’s fine. If you want to move in with someone, blend lives and get married I would hesitate.

I would attempt to ascertain the following:
How often he sees the kids and how much does he actually knows about them and their lives? Does he know their shoe sizes, names of their friends and teachers, hobbies, issues at school?

Go into this with your eyes open. I would not look to move in with a man with kids, as I don’t want to be a stepparent. I would be hesitant to have kids with someone who already has them, for financial reasons.