Mum has put me in awkward position

[mkn1989]

My mum (early 70s) is planning to leave my step father at some point this year. I'm the only person in the family who knows about this, she's sworn me to secrecy. The only other 2 people who know are her closest friends. We all support her decision because her husband has been getting her down mentally for years now. No physical violence or anything, but he's very depressing and it's taking its toll on my mum. Counselling etc isn't an option because she's absolutely certain that she wants to leave and make fresh start.
I've offered to help her financially and with a temporary place to stay but don't want her leaving at my house long term.
There's a liklihood she might eventually move in with one of her friends who has been very supportive and has even sent me photos of the accommodation he can offer her at his place. I said fine if she'll be happy there and living with him, I'll support it.
Thing is, despite my step father's negative traits, my child (8) and I have a good relationship with him. Child actually dotes on him and they are very close.
When mum eventually leaves and it comes to light that I helped her/knew that was her plan, it will create awkwardness between stepfather and I. If he reacts in any kind of aggressive, nasty way then that will also potentially jeopardise his relationship with my child because I won't allow my child to exposed to any toxity.
What can I do?

Nothing. Wait it out & play it by ear.

Is she in any form of relationship with the male friend she plans to move in with as can imagine that will be the form thing he asks you.
what income does she have as would be good to get herself organised m.

Have you discussed with your mum that you and your child will want a relationship with your stepfather going forward and how this will work? I would wait and let the dust settle after the break up and be honest if stepfather asks you did you know of her plans. Explain that it put you in a difficult position but ultimately you had to make the decision to keep your mum's confidence. How he responds is up to him. If he values your relationship and his relationship with your child, he'll hopefully feel able to put any resentment and upset behind him.

"If he reacts in any kind of aggressive, nasty way..."

If he's likely to behave like this then it's a no-brainer. His lack of presence in your child's life will be no loss. Yes, there will be a period of adjustment and short-term sadness, perhaps, but overall everyone will be better off without him. Please don't resent your mum for wanting better for herself.

Does he currently see your child alone? Are you worried about fallout in that situation? Childcare?

From experience, the non blood GP faded very fast out of our lives despite us expecting some ongoing contact.

It is great that your mum has your support and that of her friends. My advice would be to bide your time and see how he reacts when she makes her move. If he is dignified and accepts that he is partly to blame, there will be no reason why you and your child cannot still see him. He cannot blame you for the fact that your mum took you into her confidence.

This is one of those relationships that break up because the couple want different things. My youngest son and his wife split for a very similar reason. I worked really hard to maintain a relationship with my DiL. There were a few tricky corners to negotiate and I have cried a few private tears.. Fortunately everyone has behaved very kindly and respectfully to each other. She has been grateful for mine, DH and my other children’s support and my son is happy that she has extra family looking out for her. Living with a depressed partner is really hard, particularly as one party often feels helpless, not knowing how their support will be received.

If you know it’s likely he will become abusive I say stay away forever asap. There are so many kinder men your child could build a relationship with. You could talk to your child’s school about wanting your child to have more time with male role models and see what they can offer. (Often there are clubs that have a high ratio of men to children where they make bird houses and the like.)

I couldn't imagine worrying about losing a relationship with a man who mentally abused my mother for years. It doesn't sound like he's the kind of person who should be in your child's life if you're worried he will get aggressive.

This 100%

You do nothing but support your mum.

Presumably given the effects this man has on your mum's mental health your child is exposed to this 'toxicity' to some extent.

I would be more worried about having my child exposed to an abuser and having that normalised than I would about the relationship being cut off when your mum leaves tbh.

Yep, this

could be wrong but I read it as he’s depressing and miserable
rather than full on abusive narcissist

What can I do?

Support your mum.

I agree that there's nothing you can do, really, except wait and see what happens. Yes, your child's relationship with the step-GF will likely dissolve, though you can try to keep it going (facilitate time together), if you think it's worth the effort. I do wonder if he's a good influence on your child, however, if he's been so depressing to be around that your mum is escaping him, and if there's a risk he could be aggressive, it's best to focus on shifting your child's focus to other things and people, instead.

@mkn1989 What makes you think your stepdad would act aggressively?

Your take on this whole thing is a big odd, OP. You seem to be coming at this as though the primary thing is that your mother is potentially inconveniencing you by leaving her unhappy relationship, because your child is fond of her DH. Then you start talking about him potentially being aggressive or nasty around you and your child after the break.

Look, OP, it's probably quite unlikely your child and this man will maintain a relationship after your mother leaves him. I wouldn't overthink it now. Just support your mother.

I think all you can do is act with some discretion and hope for the best when the split happens. It may well be that you can't keep both your mum and step-dad happy here and then all you can do is deal with any fall out as best as you can.

How has your mum put you in an awkward position? You agreed to this, knowing the nature of the relationship between your child and your stepfather.

You are anticipating the consequence of your stepfather finding out about your part in this will have a negative impact on you as it will create awkwardness - but you're an adult, you can deal with that, you know that helping your mum is far more important than how your stepfather might feel about you afterwards.

But if he's going to act aggressively and nastily towards you then the way forward is clear isn't it? You simply tell him that you understand that he is upset, but your mum is your mum, and that if he is going to treat you in a toxic way then he won't be able to spend time with your child. I mean, if he's someone that acts that way in general then I struggle to see why it's great for your child to be around him anyway?

Please don't blame your mum though - when I read the title of the post I thought it was going to be about a toxic mother - rather than a woman gathering her courage to leave a bad relationship. You have to take the consequences of your involvement on the chin I am afraid - but you are doing the right thing, for sure.

Some pps mentioning abuse. Someone 'being depressing' does not equal mental abuse.

But I also agree with the pp's point about you putting your inconvenience above your mum's happiness. If she is unhappy, then she's unhappy, and she has chosen to confide in you, hoping for your support.

Be loyal to your Mum

You've asked if he behaves badly to a child what should I do? A good man wouldn't react to a child negatively

You support your mum when she leaves. If your SF turns nasty then you cut contact with him and you tell your child he isn't a safe adult and can't be in your lives anymore. Your child will come to terms with it and will be better for not having a toxic person in their lives.

Why do you want this man in your child’s life?

As PP have said, most (not all, but most) step-parents disappear out of their DSC’s lives once they’re no longer with the parent.

If he reacts in an aggressive nasty way, then that’s not the sort of person you want him n your child’s life. Your loyalty will always be to your mum and he needs to understand that.

If he reacts in any kind of aggressive, nasty way then that will also potentially jeopardise his relationship with my child This is a strange way to look at it. If he reacts in an aggressive, nasty way it will be good for both your mum and child to be away from him.