Mum has put me in awkward position

[mkn1989]

My mum (early 70s) is planning to leave my step father at some point this year. I'm the only person in the family who knows about this, she's sworn me to secrecy. The only other 2 people who know are her closest friends. We all support her decision because her husband has been getting her down mentally for years now. No physical violence or anything, but he's very depressing and it's taking its toll on my mum. Counselling etc isn't an option because she's absolutely certain that she wants to leave and make fresh start.
I've offered to help her financially and with a temporary place to stay but don't want her leaving at my house long term.
There's a liklihood she might eventually move in with one of her friends who has been very supportive and has even sent me photos of the accommodation he can offer her at his place. I said fine if she'll be happy there and living with him, I'll support it.
Thing is, despite my step father's negative traits, my child (8) and I have a good relationship with him. Child actually dotes on him and they are very close.
When mum eventually leaves and it comes to light that I helped her/knew that was her plan, it will create awkwardness between stepfather and I. If he reacts in any kind of aggressive, nasty way then that will also potentially jeopardise his relationship with my child because I won't allow my child to exposed to any toxity.
What can I do?

THIS. If he's that kind of man then keep your child away from him.

He was awful to your mother for years and you're worried about your son who knew him 5 minutes? I don't think your priorities are right, i feel sorry for your mum.

This really isn’t about you, and your mum leaving an unhappy marriage is not her “putting you in a difficult position.” How self involved can you get?

You do nothing. Obviously. If he cares about your kid then he will maintain a relationship, if you want to. But there is absolutely nothing for you to do and your mum hasn’t done anything wrong.

She hasn't put you in an awkward position. She's entitled to end a relationship she's not happy in and you need to react accordingly. Perhaps the advanced warning is a bit unusual but if anything it gives you thinking time as to how you want to navigate the situation.

Surely your priority is your Mum...

You already know, you are already involved so you can't wind the clock back there.

How your SF reacts is entirely up to him, you can't control that, and if he does respond in a nasty manner, why would it be any sort of a loss to end that relationship you and your child have with him?

Whilst its fair to say you are in an awkward position, no one put you there, thats just how it is. I don't see how anyone can avoid it unless they isolate themselves from other humans entirely!

You'll just have to see how things go once your Mum is out and safe and settled.

Totally agree with this comment. Support your mum, don’t worry about this mean man who has worn your mum down. It’s his fault it’s come to this and I wouldn’t want my child to have any relationship with someone like this.

This.

You’re looking for problems where there aren’t any.

If he reacts poorly or well, if your mum is bothered or not, deal with the issues as they arise. A step-grandchild’s relationship with her step-grandfather is at the bottom of the list of things to be thinking of.

You do nothing. You support your mum if you choose to and leave her to it.

If he behaves aggressively then why do you want him around your child?

I agree with this. Your mum is your priority. If your step dad can’t be nice to his grand child then you’ll have to stop seeing him.

The fact that you are worrying about his reaction to this and the fact he has made your Mum miserae speaks volumes about what kind of man he is. Just because he can turn on the charm for you and your child doesn't make him nice. Would you put up with the things he has put your mother through? Why would you want your child to have a relationship with him?

Agree with this. His motivation for being indulgent with your child will be to do with making it harder for your mum to see him as the bad guy that he really is.
When he has no need to score points he wont make an effort with your child.

What an odd point of view. Your child is only 8 and will soon get used to the new normal, children do. Besides, if he's likely to be nasty and aggressive then he can't be a very nice person. Your priority is your mum obviously.

Talk about main character syndrome.
This is a massive and stressful upheaval for your mum - and you're making it all about how awkward it will be for you.

indeed

This word ‘abuser’ , I feel is too readily bandied about. OP has not said he ‘abused’ her Mother. He has come across as a miserable old chap, whose moods are difficult to handle. I’m not blaming OP’s Mother for wanting out, but let’s keep her partners moods in perspective.

Let's just reframe this @mkn1989

"despite my step father's negative traits, my child (8) and I have a good relationship with him"

So what you're happy teaching your child is that, he can behave without impunity or consequence, because he doesn't treat you both like he treats your Mum/Grandmother?

This is exactly the time you really should show loyalty @mkn1989, fgs!

The Op only said IF he behaves in an aggressive way. She would then not allow her DD to be around him. A sensible course to take. I think posters are jumping to conclusions and forgetting that depression is an illness. I don’t think anyone is saying that her mum should ‘put up and shut up’ with his behaviour. We don’t know what form the depression takes and maybe her mum is making allowances for him in view of their shared history.

It seems to me that the OP is posting out of kindness for all concerned.

Just hang back and determine not to get INVOLVED. after all, there's always a chance that these things can be resolved. In situations like this the best plan is to take one day at a time. In an ideal world we can visualise and influence most outcomes from diligence and positive moves but in this scenario ONE DAY is the rule. And YOU are under no expectation to answer or be accountable to HIM. are you ??,,,,,?,,,,,It's your Flesh and Blood who comes first. Best not be one of those despicable family members who turns their back on a mother in need.

I don’t really know what you’re asking? You obviously support your mum.
I don’t see how you are in an awkward position. This person is making your mum very unhappy. If you think there’s the potential for him to become aggressive why is your child spending any time around him at all?

Erm what can you do? You can help support your elderly mother leave an abusive relationship and support her in the aftermath. You can also not expose your child to said abuser. You know this is how they work manipulation and isolation.