How do I find out the truth?

[Lolasyms]

I’ll start by saying the trust in my relationship just isn’t there, my husband has done lots over the years which have made me doubt his loyalty but I have never had concrete proof. Last year he shared his location with me on an app, after getting a new phone he decided to that he no longer wanted to do this and thought that it was as he put it ‘weird’, so I didn’t push it.

Fast forward to this week he’s been on a week away with a group of friends. For some reason he has turned his location on (maybe to use maps) and unbeknownst to him I can see his location. Last night he went out and met up with a different group of friends, as well as some of his group, that were staying in the same area.

I woke early this morning and decided to check his location, I guess I wanted reassurance that he’d got back ok after a night out (he doesn’t have a very healthy relationship with alcohol in my opinion). His location was in a completely different place, in a chalet around a 40 minute walk from his. I tried to call him, but he hasn’t answered and texts that I sent him last night have not been responded to.

I have since checked and watched as he made his way back to his accommodation at what would have been 6am.

In my opinion this looks very dodgy, I can’t help thinking he has gone home with another woman. Another option is that he has gone back to the other group’s accommodation. I just don’t know what to think. If I ask him outright, I really believe he will just say he went back to his accommodation and forgot to text me, we often have disagreements on how much he drinks and he always wants to be the last to leave any sort of party.

I don’t know what to think! I could tell him I can see his location, but then he will likely just tell me he went back to his friends. Whether that’s the truth or not.

The trust in your relationship isn't there. That's all the truth you need to know.
Whether something is going on or not, this relationship is not healthy and shouldn't continue.

You’ll drive yourself mad trying to find out the reason but you don’t need to know the facts. You say he’s done lots of things in the past which have destroyed your trust in him. You hint that he’s cheated on you before.

When trust is broken the relationship is over. Enough is enough surely ?

For your own mental health, you should divorce him. Get your ducks in a row first.

Spending so much of your life worrying what your partner is up to and suspecting him of being up to no good is no way to live OP.

Even if by some chance he wasn't behaving badly this time and he gave you proof that he wasn't that isn't going to stop you worrying the next time, and the time after that. Unless he makes great effort to reassure you and change his obviously problematic previous behaviour then you are never going to be able to be happy.

Perhaps it's time to consider that your life would be much happier without him in it.

If you spend all this emotional energy thinking about your husband's whereabouts, that's unhealthy and miserable for you.

once trust is gone and the investment in the relationship is no longer there, you're highly unlikely to get it back. Ask yourself if it's right that your DH is deliberately obtuse about where he is on these social events and what he's up to.

Id cut your losses and call time in all this nonsense.

You dont need proof
You are disrespecting yourself by resorting to this level of espionage.
You do not trust this man and that is enough of a reason to leave him.

I completely agree it is unhealthy and I’m not really happy. We have 2 children and if I’m honest they are why I’m still married, I would really struggle emotionally to have to share custody. I would also be in quite a shitty financial situation / would have to find somewhere else to live. I guess all of that seems a lot on just a suspicion, if I had proof I would call it a day.

So you are prepared to leave despite these future difficulties if you have proof. But you are not prepared to leave because you are unhappy.
This just doesn't make sense because the outcome is still the same financial and emotional struggles at the end. Proof of not proof..
You need to make a decision. You can leave now and start rebuilding your life or you can spend the next 10 years playing secret squirrel and destroying your mental health in the process.

I agree with the other posters OP, the trust is non-existant now and you'll never be able to rest easy when he's away from you.

Dont tell him his location is turned on. It'll only give him a reason to have a go at you watching him. However, I'd ask about his holiday when he's home, just in general conversation, no accusations etc. and see if he mentions staying in a different place for a night. If he doesn't, in my mind, that's your answer.

Best of luck OP and I'm so sorry you're in this position

No other advice about what to do, other than don't tell him about the location being on and that you've noticed his whereabouts.
All he will do is get annoyed and turn it off.
At the moment you have access to information and he may forget to turn it off.
Agree with the others that the trust is gone.

I totally understand why you might decide to stay for financial protection and for the kids to have security. But if you do, then you’ll just have to live with this uncertainty and drop the spying behaviour. You’re staying for the kids, not for the relationship. Only you can decide.

You know this isn’t a healthy way to live. No trust - living on your nerves all the time. Why would you need to move out why can’t he?

Whilst he is away, I would be using the time to do some snooping and getting paperwork in order.

You know it’s not if but when so you may as well be one step ahead.

Sorry 💐

"If I had proof then I'd call it a day"

This suggests that you think you could go it alone if you needed to. That theres a certain level of unhappiness in the relationship that you wouldn't put up with.

But you're not happy now. You don't trust him, and that won't change. So why wait until you're really unhappy, when you could leave him now before you even get to that stage.

The house we live in, is a house provided to us by his work. So I would definitely have to move out and he would likely be offered different accommodation.
I have seen one of my best friends go through a separation this year, and although she was the one that chose to separate, it hit her really hard and she often talks about regretting splitting up her family and losing the family unit.
Thats what I struggle with, realistically I could survive but it would mean that our lifestyle would probably change, we defi

The very fact that you are in this position of conflict and doubt suggests that this is not a healthy relationship. You know there is no point asking questions because you wouldn’t know if he was telling the truth or not.

Maybe you could see a lawyer initially. Many of them give a free first consultation. Does he have savings, investments, pension , shares, other property ?
That is all marital property to which you would be entitled to half if you split.
Do you work ?
Ultimately, what this boils down to is, what is more important to you, your mental health and well-being or the finances ?

Everyone who goes through divorce takes a financial hit. I left my husband and had to pay him as I earned more. But he’s ok now and seems happier. It goes without saying that I’m happier too.
We could have stayed together for the sake of money and been miserable.

You don’t need proof OP. He’s treating you badly and that’s why you don’t feel good in the relationship. Your kids will be picking up vibes that their parents aren’t happy and it will affect them too. More than you think. They’ll know their mum is being disrespected. Your DH is a poor role model.

Understandable, you no longer trust him, he has killed the love, but not everyone has the luxury of being able to split for financial reasons, mumsnet is a little blinded by middleclass women who have emotional and financial support behind them.

Do what you have to do to survive, that usually means dissengaging from the relationship and then concentrating on the monies and living choices.

Good luck, living with a liar is extremely difficult, time consuming, heartbreaking and pointless at the same time.

It sounds really suspect. If it walks like a duck…..very odd he won’t answer his phone.

You don’t need proof to end this relationship. You’re not happy. You’re tracking him. No trust. It’s torture. Just divorce him. Quietly and firmly take back control of your life and get this untrustworthy creature out of your way.

I remember during lockdown tracking my exh in another city where he was working. He would not answer the phone. He was all over the place on the tracker and sleeping at an address which was not ours in that city.

He gleefully told me during the divorce he’d been shagging a 24 year old woman throughout lockdown. I was stunned at the betrayal and his happiness at hurting. There were other affairs too it turns out. An awful experience and I still feel distressed at how someone can be so cruel.

And yes, your lifestyle would change in a divorce but so would your mental health.

Stsrt planning on ways to earn more money post divorce. Skill up.

Thanks everyone, lots of food for thought here. It’s 4.30 where he is and I still haven’t heard from him, I can see from the app that he has his phone charging so he’s obviously picked it up to do that but can’t be bothered to respond to me. I have recently promoted in work, but I work term time only in a sector that’s not known to be well paid. That’s the sacrifice I’ve made to make sure that I can be there for the children. I will start getting my ducks in a row!

Don’t tell him you can see his location as he will know you are looking. Just keep looking and don’t tell him, or he will turn it off and twist on you saying you’re stalking him!

I agree, get your ducks in a row and don’t show any interest in him anymore. Just check out of the relationship and focus on you and the kids. Youll feel better if you can do just that.Plan for your futures and don’t waste anymore headspace on that awful man who is happily making you miserable. There is no rush. Take it a step at a time.

Well I'm glad I'm not in your shoes, if you constantly want to know someone's location that would pee me off. Maybe it's in your head as you say no proof, maybe whatever he does your always thinking of a story to make it something its not. I'm my marriage if I'm on holiday or hubby that's exactly what we are doing out having fun, maybe doss at a mates because we got pissed who cares we trust each other and that's part of love

He was sleeping with someone else, obviously.
I don’t believe that relationships have to be monogamous and people define their own terms and boundaries. But he was with someone else and you don’t need any further evidence to justify leaving him. You have it. But, it’s also ok to be in a relationship that isn’t wholly monogamous if you choose. It’s a choice and a compromise.

Luckily for you you’re not married to me then, and this mistrust hasn’t just come out of the blue, it’s fuelled by years of behaviour that has impacted the way I think. Glad you’re happy in your marriage though.

We have Life360, we got it for the teenagers but I actually like knowing when DH has arrived at work safely or when he's leaving so I can start tea. Or when he is picking me up from somewhere, i can see where he is. I use it for the children a lot obviously. DH never looks at it for any of us. But if he suddenly found it weird, I would think it suspicious.
Why is it so strange for members of a household to know where eachother is?

I agree with the poster who said not to tell him about the location, because he will turn it off.

Is he protective of his phone when at home?