To stay with H I can't trust or split and ruin our lives

[Lostthewiseolive]

I posted about this before Christmas but I will try to summarise it here.
At the beginning of December I found out H had been lying to me for months and he had lost his job due to theft. He had been spending money on gaming when he ran out. He tried to make money back by gambling and investing, but ultimately lost it all.

I told him to leave and we would talk about it after Christmas. So he has mostly been living with MIL. He has been begging me to take him back and I have said he needs to prove to me that he is working on himself and trying to make things better.

So far he hasn't really done much to prove to me he is trying. I asked for his bank details which he gave me. But he hasn't really looked into a new job just done some odd jobs from MILs friends. I invited him home for a few days over Christmas mostly for the kids to see him for the holidays. He came on Christmas eve and Christmas day morning. He then decided that the kids/occasion were overwhelming and went back to his MIL as soon as he could, even though he could have stayed a few more days. I should add for balance that he is Autistic and he can find these things too much sometimes. But normally he just goes upstairs for an hour to decompress.

He has refused to take the DCS for anymore than one afternoon a week. When he does have them it sounds like MIL does most of the childcare.

Home life since hes been gone has been easier in a lot of ways. We still have a routine but we can be a little spontaneous without me having to worry about how H feels about it. I miss having someone to share chores with but equally don't miss having to ask him to do things. Most importantly, I will never trust him again, and I'll never respect him either.

But if we split up, I have no idea how I will manage financially. I currently work 3 days a week. I can bump this up to 4 but anymore will be difficult because one of our DCs has many appointments which have to happen during the working week. H won't take them whether he has a job or not because he finds the appointments too difficult. But I will barely be able to afford the bills. H wont be paying any CMS as he doesn't have a job.
If we sell the house, I won't be able to get one big enough for the DCs and me. If I keep it till they are 18 its going to be tough financially.

Then there is the effect on the DCs at the moment they think H is helping MIL at her house but obviously splitting up will be so sad for them and they will really struggle.

But can I live with someone I just can't trust for 18 plus years. I don't know what to do for the best.

He's a lying useless prick by the sounds of it and you're better off without him. Have you considered UC top ups, or disability benefits for your child that has many appointments, are these medical? Would you qualify for DLA?

I'm not sure what benefits I would qualify for. These are medical appointments and I should look into that side of things. Don't think I would qualify for a UC top ups on my wages I will be just above the threshold.

Agree with pp. He is a waste of space, time and energy.

Get a Citizens Advice appointment to find out what benefits you might be able to get. Also advice on divorce and assets.

Do you think MIL would take them to appointments while you work more? That way she would get to see her grandchildren without having to rely on him to have access.

Edited because I misread.

Check out the entitledto website. I earn a pretty decent wage and was surprised that I would qualify for UC if DP and I separated. You can just put your figures in on the website to get an idea of what you’re entitled to.

MIL still works so she won't be able to take them to appointments but she does do a bit of childcare during school holidays which she would hopefully what to continue.
Thank you I will have a look at those websites.

Op you need to leave. Things will find a way of working themselves out, that’s life, but you need to cut loose. Leave now, it will be hard this year but this time next year you’ll have a whole new life.
Don’t leave, you’ll still be stuck in this miserable situation which will only get worse if anything.
Pull the plaster off OP.

Best of luck op. Having been in a similar situation I would just like to make two points ; firstly do not underestimate how much less a household costs to run without a man in. It has blown my mind since shedding mine three years ago how very much better off I am on a much lower household income. Men consume.... Alot. Of everything.
Secondly, you cannot put a value on how it feels to not be living with a liar anymore. I still get waves of relief over how much lighter I feel with the burden of him gone. We aren't well off, I have a child with additional needs, very limited outside help ...but I am so much happier without him here. And although there was a hard adjustment period, so are the kids.

As hard as it must be to make the final decision, NOW is the time to get rid of this deceitful loser.

You will never be able to trust him, and when he wrecks things again, which he will, it will be even harder to get rid of him.

Be strong now before he drags you down with him.

Why would you stay with a man who's only going to further drain your finances and doesn't want to work and contribute financially or even be an involved parent by taking kids to appointments or anything? His mommy does the parenting for him.

You have kids to support and you can't support an adult man on top of them. He's dead weight. Time to jettison him.

It’s interesting that in your title you say splitting would ruin your lives. From what you’ve said it sounds as though staying with someone you can’t trust and who would potentially financially destroy you both would be far more likely to ruin your life.

You've said that by splitting you would ruin everyone's lives. Then you've described how he's not acting like a husband, more and overgrown child. Also if anyone's has caused a life ruining issue it's him not you. If you are thinking from a financial position then I would also get the hell out quick. He's taking from not adding money to the family pot. And he's so irresponsible he could go bankrupt. My wife is autistic and sometimes we have to adjust things for genuine reasons but this sounds like your ex has just decided not to adult anymore and not thinking of your kids. He's lucky he's got his Mum's support

I think at this point your decision would be to stay put. Financially tough is something you can manage - the stresses involved in selling, buying and moving, settling in to a new home on top would be enormous.
Who owns the house? Who put money in? You need advice re the house and legals first. IF you can stay there a while, I'd stay. You can always sell later.

Check on the link below.. It's very accurate..

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/

Have you applied for benefits for your autistic child? You might be able to get DLA with the carers element. It also would make you except from the household benefit cap.

Personally, I'd choose to be skint and happy than with a gambling, lying, theif who makes your life miserable. His presence makes you more vulnerable than his absence. Better skint and single than skint and with him.

I mean, he is not earning and he is not taking kids to appointments so I am not sure how staying with him would solve any of the issues you worry about. Sounds like a no brainer to me.
Also, "big enough" house is sort of a nebulous thing. I was brought up in Europe where most people live in flats, siblings share a room and parents often sleep on a pill out couch in the sitting room. Is it ideal? Perhaps not. Is it the end of the world? Also no.

Hi,
There's quite a few benefits calculators online that you can look at. Universal credit has a top up disabled child element. Work having a look.

This was my experience with separating as well.

I have made some life changes including a house move but I have more spending money now than I ever did when I was with my ex.

I think part of that is that we use less of stuff - if I buy chicken breasts it will do two meals, whereas he would have put it all in one. Partly he bought a lot of crap, whereas I tend to buy more thoughtfully. Partly I’m just better with money.

You’ll also find that loads of the bills - council tax, water etc drop when there is only 1 adult in the household.

If one of your kids has additional needs which means you can only work part time you will almost certainly be entitled to DLA. This isn’t means tested and is based on the child’s need.

Its also possible that you’ll have more bandwidth to focus on yourself and your career if you’re not worrying about his needs.

Do not waste your life on this lying loser. If he died today you’d have to get on with it without his input or money, so you can do it without him while he’s alive too.

Will you be worse off financially? He doesn't even have a job and isn't looking for one!

I remember this guy.

start with benefit entitlement, and DLA is appropriate for your child. Then stop giving him headspace and get on with living

He's a financial liability and sharing assets with him is a big risk given his gambling history

How is he contributing at the moment?

Definitely split up, you can’t live with someone you can’t trust, who is a thief, who doesn’t work but gambles away your money, who restricts your life hugely, who can’t even care for his own child because he “finds it too difficult”.

Take his name off all the bills and file for divorce. Have a good look at what you’re entitled to particularly if your child is disabled. But even if you’re not entitled to anything you’ll find it much easier without him.

You haven’t mentioned one positive thing about staying with H. You’ve said he doesn’t contribute financially, can’t help with appointments, gambles away any money you do have and doesn’t help with the DC. I can’t see any reason why you would not make the separation permanent.

Thank you all for your support and the links to work out what I can claim. It does look like I will be entitled to more than I thought. I will contact citizens advice on Monday as well.

To answer some questions, when he was lying to me he was covering the bills out of his personal savings by moving it to the joint account every month as though it was his wages. Now he's working odd jobs and probably borrowing from his mum to cover his half of the bills,

Of course he brings some positives. I love him the DCs love him too.
He works hard for us. He has always made me feel seen and special and loved. He gets involved in our hobbies and interests. He's the type of guy who is quietly thoughtful. Always buying my favourite chocolates and making sure there's de-icer in my car.

We've been together a long time he's my only serious romantic relationship and I never in a million years had thought he would do this and to be honest what he did was awful but the main thing I can't get over is all the lying.
Hes always said hes a terrible lair and could never lie to me and was very against people lying generally. But he did, to my face for months. Not just the big one about losing his job/the money but also the little day to day ones.
I ask him everyday how was work and what did he do that day and everyday he'd tell me about things that had happened and he was lying to me everyday for months.
Everytime I see him all I can think is, is he lying, is there something else I don't know about.

Interesting that some of you said about the cost of an adult man in the house though. I did my first big shop since Christmas the other week and it was noticeably cheaper and I still over-bought on some things.

Of course he brings some positives. I love him the DCs love him too.
You can still love him, when he lives with his mum and visits. You don't have to be living with him, funding his gambling and feeding him.

He works hard for us. He has always made me feel seen and special and loved. He gets involved in our hobbies and interests. He's the type of guy who is quietly thoughtful. Always buying my favourite chocolates and making sure there's de-icer in my car.
Except he doesn't work, and he's been lying for months, and sorry but buying chocolates doesn't balance all that out.

We've been together a long time he's my only serious romantic relationship
You don't have to have another man, you can just be divorced and have a simpler happier life.