To stay with H I can't trust or split and ruin our lives

[Lostthewiseolive]

I posted about this before Christmas but I will try to summarise it here.
At the beginning of December I found out H had been lying to me for months and he had lost his job due to theft. He had been spending money on gaming when he ran out. He tried to make money back by gambling and investing, but ultimately lost it all.

I told him to leave and we would talk about it after Christmas. So he has mostly been living with MIL. He has been begging me to take him back and I have said he needs to prove to me that he is working on himself and trying to make things better.

So far he hasn't really done much to prove to me he is trying. I asked for his bank details which he gave me. But he hasn't really looked into a new job just done some odd jobs from MILs friends. I invited him home for a few days over Christmas mostly for the kids to see him for the holidays. He came on Christmas eve and Christmas day morning. He then decided that the kids/occasion were overwhelming and went back to his MIL as soon as he could, even though he could have stayed a few more days. I should add for balance that he is Autistic and he can find these things too much sometimes. But normally he just goes upstairs for an hour to decompress.

He has refused to take the DCS for anymore than one afternoon a week. When he does have them it sounds like MIL does most of the childcare.

Home life since hes been gone has been easier in a lot of ways. We still have a routine but we can be a little spontaneous without me having to worry about how H feels about it. I miss having someone to share chores with but equally don't miss having to ask him to do things. Most importantly, I will never trust him again, and I'll never respect him either.

But if we split up, I have no idea how I will manage financially. I currently work 3 days a week. I can bump this up to 4 but anymore will be difficult because one of our DCs has many appointments which have to happen during the working week. H won't take them whether he has a job or not because he finds the appointments too difficult. But I will barely be able to afford the bills. H wont be paying any CMS as he doesn't have a job.
If we sell the house, I won't be able to get one big enough for the DCs and me. If I keep it till they are 18 its going to be tough financially.

Then there is the effect on the DCs at the moment they think H is helping MIL at her house but obviously splitting up will be so sad for them and they will really struggle.

But can I live with someone I just can't trust for 18 plus years. I don't know what to do for the best.

An extra adult brings extra cost and extra work. Remember you’ll get 25% off the council tax if you’re the only adult.
Stay with him if you want, but you’ll never trust him and resentment will set in. Then he’ll do something again in the future, and you’ll wish you got out this time.

Contact citizens advice and find out where you stand. You don’t have to separate permanently but you are separated right now. Get the financial support you need. If he gets a job and gets help to manage his issues then whether you take him back can be a consideration for the future but right now I’d leave him at MIL and see what motivation he has to fix his life.

Check with UC, it’s really easy as there is a calculator online. This could make a real difference

Working on himself, to me, would be enrolled into a Gambling Addiction program and already have registered with a Gambling block so that he can not use any money to gamble.

Has he provided you with adequate information to prove that he is tackling his problem?

You could join Gambing Anon support groups too and learn how to increase his chances of succeeding and your chances of detecting any lies.

Give him a proper chance; help and work on the problem.
Stick to your word and do not allow him back into your life if he is not sincere.

If you stay with him, can you trust him not to gamble everything away?

Honestly, easy to say I know but I think splitting and divorcing ASAP provides the best protection for you and your children.

My dh lived out if the house for a time when he had a job working hours away. My food and toiletries bill shrank massively. Me and two children cost the same as one adult man. I was so shocked but it helped massively. It was simple things like portion sizes but also me and the children ate our meal, then had fruit for after etc. Dh will just eat and eat so there were left overs for lunch when it was me and dc, but never when dh was there.

It sounds like you would be so much happier apart from him. You need to ruthlessly go through your finances and strip out all the unnecessary spending. Hopefully he will get another job and be able to contribute to his children, and spend more time with them.

Think through all of your options. How much flexibility can your employer offer? Do you have friends and family who can lean in a little bit? Do you have room for a lodger or room/funds for an au pair?

Is it worth getting legal advice?

You sound like a strong and capable woman.

Get rid of him, your life will be so much easier. If he has a gambling problem you will be financially better off without him too.

check your benefit entitlement you may well be surprised. Also apply for DLA for the child who has medical issues.

Good luck to you, it will all work out in the end.

Thank you for your help

I've told him he needs to show me that he can sort this out. Its not up to me to help him work out what he needs to do to show he is working on it.

But so far he hasn't attended or tried to get in touch with any form of therapy. He insists that it was a one-off. He's tried to apply for jobs in his field, but no one wants to know. Initially he refused to apply for anything outside of that but now he's looking for slightly different roles. He won't apply for anything totally outside his experience such as retail or cleaning just to tide him over in the meantime though.

You should also check your credit report - there could be other debt that he has not told you about. Whatever you decide about the relationship you need to act to protect yourself and the children from any debts - which could be shared if you are married. Please seek advice.

It’s sounds like finically you are in the same place with or without him - difficult

because he isn’t contributing anyway so you have nothing to lose apart from future potential debt

and you know you are just as happy without him there
it’s the dream , a myth, a hope that you are trying to keep alive

Take time to think things through and don't rush yourself to decide.
When the trust and respect have gone, it's very hard to come back from.

The lying and theft are a lot to deal with.